THE GREAT FIRE OF LONDON AS SPAKE (AND WRIT DOWN) BY SAMUEL PEPYS (DIARIST)

Comrades, I like these fashions so much I will let you read this history I have written, which only has the slightest amount of plagiarism in it.

Derived From What Was Written in Samuel Pepys Diary.

“Oh the miserable and calamitous spectacle!” A.D. 1666. So at this time the Great Fire of London occurred. Because of a small mistake, but with tragic consequences.

On September 2, 1666, Thomas Farrinor, baker to King Charles II of England, failed, in effect, to extinguish his smoking material. He mistakenly thought he had tapped the glowing embers from his pipe into his chamberpot, but apparently the smouldering embers ignited some nearby socks, which in turn applied fire to the curtains and by one o’clock in the morning, three hours after Farrinor went to bed, his house in Pudding Lane, fairly close to the river Thames, was in flames. Farrinor, along with his wife and daughter, and one servant, escaped from the burning building through an upstairs window, but the baker’s maid was not so fortunate, becoming the Great Fire’s first victim. “Did this tobacco pipe set fire to London?”

Leading up to this was the extreme nicotine addiction of many English fellows. After a Saturday night of debauchery, fondling stallions and smoking pipes, they would scurry off to church on the Sabbath to try to make amends to God.
The chaps would still be puffing their pipes in church and this bad habit was what led to the ritual of the man of the cloth dipping a brush like device, sort of like a little mop, into a small bucket of “Holy Water”, and slinging the “Holy Water” at the pipe smoking vagabond’s pipes, to try to douse the tobacco in pipes of those partaking of the gaseous elixir. (“Holy Water” being very similar to ordinary water, except for its property of “Being Holy”)

Now this mop apparatus was also actually used to bless the devout, besides extinguishing smoldering tobacco pipes.

In London during that time, most of the church attendees did not have an attractive bouquet. To remedy this condition and the plague of flies which it caused, the “Celebrant” or his “deacon”, would swing this incense holder called a censer or thurible around the holy , but smelly congregation. It hung from 3 or 4 chains and had a metal saucer in which to burn the incense which it was hoped would render the devout with a more attractive fragrance. Sometimes this layperson would be called the “altar server” or “butler”.

A famous large thurible is the Botafumeiro, in the cathedral of Santiago de Compostela which weighs 110 pounds (55 kilos) and is hung from the ceiling. This five foot (1.6 meter) high thurible amputated the leg of one of the pious when the main chain broke during a holy ceremony, and it (the thurible) fell upon the unfortunate chap. Luckily, the bishop was able to administer Holy Ritual before he passed over to the other side, as a way helping the fellow into heaven. He blessed the loins or reins, on account of walking, and the loins as the seat of pleasure. (Since the censer had landed on the fellows loins, it was inferred that his loins had been guilty of sin.) For even by merely walking past a house of dubious pleasures, sin could be drawn into the soul by osmosis. In gratitude, the deceased, (before he actually became deceased, and was therefore still alive) donated his earthly property to the bishop, since in the heavenly realm, these goods would not be needed.

Down through the ages several other worshipers received broken bones when they misjudged the trajectory of the venerated artifact, and were crushed when squeezed between the thurible and a statue of the Holy Virgin Mother. These chaps were thought to have not retreated in time. When first noticed, one of these fellows were thought to have been embracing the statue of the Holy Mother in an “un-dignified” or “in-appropriately personal” manner, until it was realized both of his legs were broken and he was merely trying to keep himself from falling onto the floor.

This “censing” was highly formalised in some religions. This required the censer to wear evening wear of the old style popularly called a “Monkey Suit” plus a “Top Hat”, and “Spats”. Besides the person censing, there would be a “boat boy” who would add incense as needed. Sort of like a “fireman” on a locomotive, or a “stoker” on a coal fired ship. (except not as strenuous).

The different religions had unique ceremonial aspects to their style of censing. For example clockwise and counter clockwise swings, single ,double ,triple, swings, the Sign of the Cross. Sometimes the clergyman would carry a candle in his left hand.

The faithful would sometimes burn their own incense, but this had led to a number of conflagrations, so it was discouraged. There were some of the devout who would try to warm up a cup of tea or heat a shepherd’s pie over their censer or thurible in their pew, but this proved to be a distraction.
In some rites of worship, the censer is swung toward a person or an Icon. Care must be used, as a number of priceless Icons were set ablaze, having been given a coat of flammable varnish in the course of conservation. The Icons were generally doused with Holy Water in an attempt to extinguish the inferno, rendering them more holy.

The chains on the censer had “bells” attached to them. These were not in reality bells but were a form of “bolas” which is used to capture any of the congregation who were stealthily leaving the church just as the collection plate was being passed around.

The swinging of the censer toward a person could also cause problems if the trajectory were not correctly judged. If a fellow was taking a nap and struck by the censer, he could be doused with glowing incense, and (though not noticed right away) start smouldering or burning later. More than one awoke, thinking he had been swallowed into a crack in the earth and been set ablaze by Beelzebub to begin an endless torment in the bowels of Hell. The deacon or altar boy with the Holy Water sprinkler would attempt to extinguish the flame and smoke engulfed parishioner. At least one of these smoldering chaps was so exalted by not being captured by Satan that he donated all the coins he had on his person when the holy offering plate was passed around the church.

There were one or two instances where a member of the congregation who was in debt to the deacons and gave “bugger all” in payment. These ungrateful cretins received an extra helping of flaming embers from the deacon. Then a vessel of flammable baptismal oil (with a healthy measure of Holy Distilled Spirits added) instead of Holy Water which of course only insured that they would run shrieking from their pew enveloped in a ball of fire. The less-worldly clergyman who did not realize the flames were an inducement for payback of a loan, recited the Exorcism Ritual as fast as he could (since he thought this “spontaneous combustion” was a visitation by the Archfiend of Hell) Usually this application of Heavenly Fire was enough to convince the sinner of the rightness of paying back a few quid. By the time his blisters healed, the debt was usually paid back. Nevertheless, the sinner could be slathered with healing unguents for months.

Over the passage of time, various churches tried to augment the flow of coin of the realm into the collection plate by adding opium or hashish to the incense in the censer. This was hoped to give the parishioners a more generous and giving state of mind. The devout would tend to doze in a nap, minds clouded by elixir of Opiate, and when awoken by the jingling collection plate being passed, they would donate some coin of the realm, some Doubloons or Rubbles, before his wits were about him, and realized the clergy had added a couple of “passing the collection plate” events. There was a down side to this “Opiate Dispensing”, in that the clergy would also be susceptible to it’s effect, with the predictable “Altar Boy on Fire” syndrome. (In modern times, the “Sleeping Pope Benedict” was a probable victim.)
Amen.