HANNIBAL CROSSING THE ALPS WITH WAR ELEPHANTS

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yuri_nahl Says:

March 3, 2010 at 3:19 am

Comrades, If I had a set of bagpipes, (or bagpipe, or whatever you call the blasted things) I would put a big blob of the finest reefer inside. I would then have a convenient charcoal or stove lighter inside to set flame to the pile of reefer. I would then have a burly Scotsman or burly geezer of any nationality, since the important part would be the burliness. He would then blow into the input pipe and place suitable customers in lines, so they could approach the reefer belching bagpipes and get a suitable whiff , adequate to fill their lungs, and give a sacramental trajectory towards Nirvana.

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yuri_nahl Says:

March 3, 2010 at 3:28 am

Comrades, with my degenerated mind, I forgot to point out that since there are multiple tubes emanating from the “air vessel” part of the bagpipe, that would be where the customers would be getting their whiffs of finest ganjah, and the desired effect would be to induce a metamorphosis in the Rastas , that would re-configure them as “Tabula Rastas” which could be discerned from normal “Rastas” by the apparent separation of mind and body, so desirable when seeking succor upon the Astral Plane.

yuri_nahl Says:

March 3, 2010 at 3:56 am

The story of this epic campaign must be told. But in truth, this story demands to be told. The spirit, the soul, the power of the will of these incredible men whose crossing of these mountains was a war in itself, demands and wills this to have life in our time, so perhaps men can know the potential of men. This achievement has remained a benchmark for those who aspire to great works for over 2,000 years. To win a war with the mountains, to have a chance to fight a war with the Romans! It is the story of the bringing of an army, including the war elephants, by Hannibal, Carthaginian general, and tactician nonpareil, through the mountains northwest of Italy, the Alps, to make war on the Romans.

Clearly, this is but a fragment of the career of Hannibal. As such, this heroic overcoming of this arduous challenge is still illustrative of aspects of the leadership which allowed Hannibal to feel comfortable in the presence of the Gods of War, as his generalship was peerless.

These achievements are known to us from the writings of the Roman historian Livy (Titus Livius) . Livy learned of this campaign through the “Histories of Polybius”, written fifty years after this particular traversing of the Alps occured. Polybius was a Greek historian (and military advisor) who wrote “an extensive treatise entitled ‘Tactics’” for “he was learned in matters, both political and military”. By method, he was a modern professional historian. As a rule, his accounts were derived from eye witnesses who had lived the events, and from visiting the very locations and battlefields. Most of the chronicles of Polybius are lost.The account of the march through the mountain roads survived, so fortunate are we who wish to have some understanding of one of the greatest generals in history.

This listing of the bona-fides of the authors of the histories, and the provenance of the written accounts is only to give credibility to an event which by its nature , is so astonishing and otherworldly, so unbelievable, but for the eyewitness accounts, it would seem to be a fiction, derived from fantasy. Therefore, presented below are the events which together are known as “The Crossing of the Alps by Hannibal the Carthaginian”

This occurs during the time called “the time of the beginning of the Second Punic War” (218BC) A remarkable thing about bringing an army through the Alps is the ingenuity one must use when faced with the pervasive and utter horror of abrasive wind, snow drifts, and blinding snow squalls which limit visibility to a few feet. Under such indescribable hardship, when progress becomes at best, a crawl, the logistics of re-supplying the fighting army with food are all important. Conversely,the weapons of war become an anchor, less than worthless. Only more weight for the exhausted troops to drag with them through the abominable conditions

At this time, the time called the “beginning of the starvation” it was decided to devour the elephant’s penises, as the organs were not utilized in their role as “war elephants”, First the penises would have to be removed from the elephants. (as it was considered unhealthy to try to eat an elephant penis still attached to the elephant, since the elephant would generally take great umbrage to the effrontery) The elephants had to be given an “herbal elixir” and the while under the influence, be given a “light wiener rub”. The elephants’ penises weighed around a hundred pounds, so it took a couple of burly soldiers to give this “light wiener rub”. Injuries were common as the elephant penis thrashing around could easily sling a stout fellow fellow twenty feet so he’d often end up a pile of broken bones. When the wiener was stiff as a tree trunk, a rope was tightened around it and it was sliced off and cauterized.

This penis could then be roasted, and cut into tasty snacks to sustain the army in its time of need.

This penis amputation (and subsequent munching of) would have been sufficient to victualise the army , had it not been for the winter being the worst in decades.

This new period became known as “the time of the peg-legged elephants” Due to the harsh winter, all of the elephant penises were soon devoured, and the land was barren, devoid of any resource which might be used as sustenance. (an aside) This “elephant penis roasting” was adopted by Greek mercenaries and became the basis of the popular “gyros” sandwiches.

The elephants were essential for transport so they could not be slaughtered. It was decided that the elephants would still be functional if one or two of their front legs was amputated, and replaced with wooden ones. (peg-legs) So that these “peg-legs” would not sink into the snow, the largest size sandals available were nailed to the bottom of the legs.

In this way, after removal, the elephant legs could be cooked and gobbled down by starving soldiers. The roasted legs were smothered in “creamy white sauce” derived from the elephant gonads. Unlucky was the chap who received a slice with part of a toe-nail attached!

The decision to use the front legs was because when the war was over, if the elephants were used in a circus, they would have a hard time standing up on rear wooden legs, unless wearing giant “clown shoes ” with holes for the tips of the peg-legs to fit into. As it was, the front legs were then replaced by the crafty army veterinarians with”Captain Ahab” type peg-legs.

Sometimes the wooden legs were outfitted with rudimentary skis, and the elephants slid along, pushing with the back legs. Plans were considered to amputate three legs and use chariot wheels mounted to the peg legs, and using the left over one to push, as the children use “skateboards” in the 21st century. This idea was discarded as being impractical.

As time went by and more elephants were lost to accidents or desperate need for food, there was concern that an insufficient number of elephants would not put the Romans to flight as the massed animals had done to other adversaries. It was therefore decided that on the death of an animal, flies were allowed to devour the insides of the elephants (when the meat that could be removed was in fact removed ) This left a hollow cavity which was outfitted with a framework which allowed soldiers to simulate a walking live elephant especially if observed by someone with bad eyesight.One soldier would be slid down inside each leg and shuffle along, as if he were in drag, and wearing a really tight skirt of the style worn in the 1950s. The legs would be covered with “chaps” but this was a wee bit chancy, as the elephants assumed the gait or, more accurately, “lack of gait” peculiar to the stylised “nuns”, depicted in the film “The Blues Brothers”. In this way, these “spurious elephants” could join the ranks of front line beasts. This was hoped to give the Romans the impression they were hallucinating. These artificial, man-powered elephants were hoped to make the Romans think they were having nervous breakdowns, as when tipped over, they would deflate like balloons, which is not what real elephants do. Hopefully this would confuse the Romans, as it was hoped they would doubt their own sanity.

Another cause of elephant casualties was during the blinding snow squalls, the poor elephants would tumble down from the precarious mountain paths and cruelly die in the crevasses below. This was the sole benefit to the tribes-people inhabiting the Alps. Although, to begin with, these bellowing gigantic animals flying out of the sky, made the tribal chaps run off, thinking dragon like monsters were flopping out of the sky to murder them. But they were ingenious and took the dead elephants and removed the meat, then using the animals skeletons, branches and hide glue, they constructed a structure which caused the dead elephants to appear to be standing in a manner formerly only live elephants were capable of.

When arranged into a configuration which a herd of elephants would assume had they been alive, wild beasts such as ravening wolves or even carnivorous stoats which inhabited these ranges would be afraid to approach the vicinity of the encampment.

After the hides were hollowed out and set up this way, families could move into the elephants and make a cozy dwelling out of the remains.The ploy of the inhabitants “roaring in unison” helped scare off interlopers.

Careful scrutiny by those of other tribes willing to stalk the herd led them to believe these were “zombie elephants” because even though they roared, they did not in fact actually move. They did appear to defalcate, but that was only because the inhabitants had utilized the missing penis aperture for a primitive garderobe.

A few brave primitive “hunter gatherer” fellows would approach the elephant circle utilizing “gris-gris” or other “totems” to help overcome the obvious power of the elephants. Upon seeing that the elephants possessed the skill to make fire and the magic needed to apparently compel animals to come and be cooked , the intruders retreated, afraid the elephants would induce them to befall the same fate as the animals roasting on the spit.

To return to the subject of Hannibal, he successfully brought his army, and elephants, albeit peg-legged ones, down from the Alps and engaged the Romans in savage war.

The third major battle, the “Battle of Cannae” ( 218BC) was considered to be the greatest “encirclement of enemy to win battle” in history until the “Battle of Stalingrad” during 1942-1943 in the Second World War, at which time on the “Eastern Front”, what is called “The Great Patriotic War” by the (peace loving) Russian Federation, the fascist Nazi German Sixth Army (at that time the most powerful military force in history) was encircled and destroyed by the Soviet “Red Army”.This is considered to be the psychological “turning point ” for the Red Army in the Great Patriotic War and was the beginning of the single most important factor of the Second World War, the destruction of the fascist Nazi war forces.

This victory at Cannae, guaranteed Hannibal’s reputation as one of the most accomplished leaders in military history. In the pantheon of military genius, he ranks very near the top.

History tells us that the elephants acquitted themselves admirably also.

( Dr.Yuri Nahl, professor of history, Boondoggle University, British Virgin Islands. 3/1/2010)

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paulboylan Says:

March 3, 2010 at 5:20 am

Yuri, please go on.

(Now THAT’S faffing!)

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Dr Yobbo Says:

March 3, 2010 at 5:30 am

Fucking gold medal performance this.

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