A story of treachery, torture, an exploding cow, intervention and a happy ending. As told by Pontius Pilate, former governor of Judea.
.THE TIME OF THE CRUCIFIXION.
Posted 12/22/2009 10:03 AM PST
I Have Traveled Through Time And Space To Tell My Story. I Have Been Slandered For Two Thousand Years. Now It’s Time For You To Hear The Truth
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Friends, Romans,countrymen. I Pontius Pilate, Roman governor of Judea, will tell this curious story, of the attempt to subvert Roman rule over the city of Jerusalem by the fellow known as Jesus of Nazareth.
"When my loincloth bloweth in the wind," spoke Zarathustra, "it reminds me of the time, the diabolical time, the time known as 'The Peculiar Illness and Uncuring and Apparently Miraculous Curing of the Lepers.' (Now this was not the famous Zarathustra of "Thus Spoke Zarathustra" fame, it was just someone who was previously known as "Clyde" and who thought "Hey! That's a catchy name...it's me!") This subsequently became known as "Leper Time" (Due to the papyrus makers going on strike.)...This title soon reverted back to the original longer one due to the unexpected deaths of the papyrus makers, (by the hand of the Temple Money Lenders lackeys,)( also influenced by the "scribes" who were paid "per letter") and which then led to the removal of the skin of the previously alive, "on strike" papyrus makers, (now deceased, and no longer on strike.), which was then used to make parchment to write on, So this was a difficult and trying time for me, Pontius Pilate, procurator of Judea.
And so it came to pass that an old friend of mine had come to Jerusalem, and was thoughtful enough to come and visit Claudia and me. This was a man I had met when I traveled to the East, to make trade and commerce more efficient, (on behalf of the Roman Empire) Now I should make it clear that even though he was not Roman, he was a trusted friend. Someone I could rely on, a friend whose deals were clean. (I shall not name him for his own safety).
He had been in Jerusalem for a while, observing, incognito, getting a feel for the street, and came to see me by way of a warning. "Pilate", he said, "The water is turbulent! The natives are restless, not smoking the peace pipe." Since I, Pilate had no idea what my friend was talking about, I requested that he speak frankly, so I would have a clear understanding regarding the subject of his remarks. "As you know, Pilate, it is my habit to come to a place I am not familiar with in a discreet way, not attracting attention, so I can observe.
John The Baptist….There was a character who just couldn’t take a hint! You can see what he got for his sins…blabbermouth!
I Pilate assured my friend that he was "As wily as the jackal in the desert" and please to continue..."It's the lepers!" he exclaimed....."First, no lepers, then, a plague of the smelly fellows! Bits of their bodies falling off, cluttering up the place!... Even whole legs sometimes. Legs left standing like bits of statues from antiquity, waiting for someone to put a vase with an attractive arrangement of flowers on it. Even genitals which offended the ladies, swelling up in the sun and exploding with a lusty pop. Mangy dogs would run up and carry off the limbs, with a squadron of bluebottles flying behind the dog, and a column of maggots which resembled the legions of Hannibal following on the ground, by Jupiter!".... I Pilate said "Poor fellows, such a pity" "But that's it!... As I observed these fellows, I felt my hair standing on end! As if in a dream becoming real. One after the other, they were becoming the swindlers I recognized from my own country! They all claimed to have been smitten by "He Without a Name" regarding their unfortunate affliction. I felt this may have been well deserved, since I knew them as "Bean under the three oyster shells" tricksters, thieves, extortionists, and the rabble a gentleman does not associate with!" "Please continue," said I, Pilate.
A daily occurrence at “Jesus’ Own Sandals Emporium”…. They also had a “pedicure department,” depicted here.
Friends, Romans, countrymen, please bear with me as I am only a politician, and not well versed in the storytellers craft. My friend spoke: "Each of these rascals and sleight of hand artists had been put in stocks and pelted with vegetables so rotten a pig wouldn't eat them. In lieu of being killed by angry mobs, they had been doused with the contents of chamber pots, (which gave their skin a yellowish tint, and a slightly Asian demeanor)." My friend seemed to be in thought. "The thing that troubled me was...the ones I recognized were all run of the mill scoundrels, not able to pull off a complex crime."
"I came to the conclusion that there was a superior mind directing this criminality from a place of concealment." then,..."So what do you think of this Jesus?" "Just another holy man, a messiah type I think." said I. "Is there something I should know?" "Well" he said, "I hate to cast aspersions on a chap, but some years ago, I heard tell of a "Jesus" who would occasionally get run out of town by angry citizens who had been swindled in some confidence scam or other. This Jesus was a skilled shipwright, and carpenter and worked along the coast. He had a talent for cabinetmaking. Fakirs, conjurers, magicians, would employ him to build secret cabinets. The cabinets of concealment, of smuggling. Even for smuggling people."
“Gimme Five, Brother!” Although considered to be a modern day admonition, this friendly remark dates back to the 1st Century. The Emperor is happy with the fact that his girlfriend has passed out and he’s hoping to prong the babe that’s holding her up.
"In other words, these were the trick cabinets built for the thrusting of swords through, allowing a slim assistant to curl up to avoid the sword blade, so as to fool the rabble attending these traveling sideshows in the market. It was from these mountebanks that the messiah fellow learned the ways of the tricksters, and indeed the knowledge which allowed the planted seed to blossom into the masterpiece crime which he hoped would allow him to retire with a decent pension...."
Herod Antipas
Uncle Of Salome
(He Wanted To Bone Her)
I Pilate, was aghast at the revelation! However, as incredible as all this seemed, there was more!... "What really lit the torch in my head was...the falling off of the limbs! Because I had seen this before in my home land! Indeed, the very limbs, stolen from dead bodies were used to fool those being pick pocketed! A person with arms crossed (even though one of the arms had been removed from a cadaver!) sticking his own (live) hand into some pilgrims pocket, and relieving him of his hard earned pieces of silver!
Furthermore, the same limbs stolen from corpses, could have amputated hands, to disguise those who needed a whole arm as proof that he was not the culprit! Because, how could someone replace an amputated hand? All that was required was to pull out his own whole limb from his robes!...Even so, this new evidence in Jerusalem showed that the mind of the author of this plan had evolved!"
It was at this time my friend suggested deploying some operatives from his entourage. Trusted spies, that is! He needed these fellows for his work as an expediter of trade and commerce. These lads did not live near, nor come near my friends residence. They blended in with the local populace, and even sought employment with the gang of hoodlums needing those willing to circumambulate the law, and who were skilled in the arts of perfidy....
One of my favorite paintings! It should be titled “Don’t Do This In A Thunderstorm”! ….. Another guy Who liked to stir up the rabble.
The plan was, (Firstly) to have the spurious lepers beg on the Temple steps and try to make money that way. With limbs from cadavers tied to them with string, pieces of their bodies would fall off so as to get sympathy from the Temple attendees. Their rotting limbs would fall off with a plop and be carried away by scurvy dogs and rats. Arms and legs would be falling off regularly, rattling down the stairs as the flesh fell off the bones. Strange as it seems, people whose arm had fallen off in the morning would be back that afternoon with a new corroded limb. The scene was so revolting no normal Templegoer would notice the beggars face. It was ascertained that Jesus was now there curing the lepers because the undeserved spoils from begging had started to dwindle.
This time was the "Time of The Miraculous Curing".... Stinking lepers in great abundance and variety in various states of disintegration were congregating near the Temple. Chunks of their carcasses were falling off because mainly of the abominably warm summer. The smell was diabolical. The cloud of flies was starting to blot out the sun. The effect of all this was to render the previously immaculate Temple into a greasy slum.
No customers would come to borrow money. The fly situation was so bad that bluebottles were ganging up and landing on vultures, bringing them down by sheer weight, and scoffing them, leaving a pile of bones which resembled a vulture, which then keeled over with a puff of wind. Huge maggots started attacking the dogs which were carried of by force of numbers of maggots, then devoured. The poor dogs had such a look of horror on their faces as they were hauled away to a certain death was very compelling.Their skeletons appeared to be hallucinations of dogs whose owners had been mean to them and were now returning to haunt them.Spies monitoring the Messiah reported that He was negotiating with the city authorities for a massive payoff to relieve the situation.
The angry politicians flat out rejected the extortionist plot. Jesus had anticipated this possibility. He therefore decided to start curing the lepers at great speed, to increase His charismatic quotient with the common people. This high gear curing from dawn to dusk started to thin out the fly and maggot plagues and drastically reduce the number of begging disintegrating fake lepers. It was a good thing too, because the cadaver supply was running out, and as a result, the price for a corpse was getting so high, it was ruining the bottom line.
Did They Do This?! The Baptists Noggin Flew Off With Nary A Chopper In Sight!
I was horrified by the possibility Jesus taking over politically by sheer popularity. My career would be over. If I was called back to Rome to face Caligula, my private parts would probably be removed with a pair of pliers, or a dull meat cleaver, and thrown to the monkeys to eat as a tasty snack. My friend’s spies were trying to understand the physical characteristics of the "Great Curing" that was occurring. The substantive part of the process was the claim Jesus was making about the removal of the moldering body parts and accompanying clouds of big ravenous flies. By using pure logic, we decided on a plan to reverse the cleaning effect of Jesus "Great Curing", and keep the stinking, decomposing, fly and maggot ridden piles there in great and revolting abundance.
We Romans felt that Jesus had over sported himself on this one. I Pilate had ordered the movement of four Legions of battle-hardened troops toward Jerusalem. (just in case) All coming from different directions so as to not alert or alarm the population. Jesus started another day of lording it up as His curing and cleaning gained Him great admiration from the common people.
Most people have never seen this depiction of “Baby Jesus Doing a Line” But here is proof He was on the pipe at an early age.
To curtail this unearned and dangerous popularity, I, Pilate, ordered the approaching legions to stand off at a fair distance, but to discretely transport erect and conceal the siege catapults close enough to the Temple so as to be within range.
The Plan was to turn the tables on the Messiah and avert His perverted plan to weaken the Roman Rule over Judea. This we had learned: He planned to gain great popularity by the spurious curing of the fake lepers. With this popularity among the populace, He intended to challenge and weaken Roman Authority, and stop the "rendering unto Caesar that which is Caesars." at which time He would begin to "render unto Jesus, that which is Caesars" The ballistae and smaller tactical catapults were concealed but ready to use.
One Of The “Fake” Christs
(Although It’s Hard To Discern)
The next day, Jesus' miraculous curing activities were abruptly halted by a sudden shower of disembodied heads, which, launched from the siege catapults, unexpectedly flew out of the sky, fell upon the Temple steps and exploded from the impact of hitting the steps. Pilgrims were splattered with moldering brains and a couple of ears which stuck to them and looked like they had been dipped in mucus. Wonder and confusion ensued. Fingers flew through the air, poking people in the eye, or picking someone’s nose. Heads, zinging along would sometimes bounce up and bite somebody, then roll away.
Soon afterwards, parts of bodies, landed in the same vicinity. A clever secret technique used by us Romans was tying swords into the hands of arms (separated from the bodies they were originally attached to). These hands with swords in them would scythe through the fleeing Temple goers, felling many of them like so many bushes, plumb cut off by some mad gardener. Some of these body parts were feet, wearing high heels! Some roller skates.They struck members of the crowd on the Temple stairs, impaling some of the devout with a six inch stiletto. Others were injured by the whirling legs and arms careening through the air. An un-manicured hand or foot can cause a dangerous scratch! Rotating heads made some of the more religious folk think there was need of an exorcism. Other victims had whole faces, which torn asunder from heads by centripetal force landed on un-expecting recipients, making them as it were, the “progenitors with no portfolio” of the fictional sociopath “Hannibal (The Cannibal) Lector! We Romans called this effect “Shock and Awe”
“I’d Love To Sing The World A Song In Perfect Harmony”!
The best display of Military Genius was the “ cow filled with goats heads”. The cow was opened up along its backbone and a small table installed. The table legs went down inside the cows legs. the table part was as wide and as long as the cow. Onto the table were placed as many goat heads as possible. Any remaining space had manure piled into it. The cow hide was then tightly sewn up. The whole thing was smeared with gold paint. During the night, the Golden Cow was carried up to the top of the Temple steps by some swarthy fellows.
The next day, the sun was blazing hot. The curious came to ponder the meaning of the Golden Cow. It resembled the "Golden Calf", except bigger. Some even wondered "Should it be worshiped?" The intense heat started cooking the manure and forming methane gas. The goat heads were rotting and forming gas too. The day passed by as the cow swelled up, then swelled some more. The whole body part of the cow was almost perfectly round from the gas. At this time a slight unpleasant odor was emanating from the cow.
A chap decided that one more whiff of odor it would be unbearable, so he started to light some incense to provide some relief from the malevolent gas chamber of horrors. As one of our archers hid behind a column, the fellow applied fire to his incense.
Salome
Herod offered his niece a reward of her choice for performing a dance on his birthday. Silly Rabbit.
Upon seeing the fire, the archer knew that the time was right. He released his arrow. When the arrow punctured the cow hide , the gas leaked out, and touched the fire. A mighty explosion ensued. Red and blue fire and smoke billowed forty feet into the air. (This may have actually been what rent the Temple Veil from top to bottom.) Goat heads emanated from the cow at a speed so great, they could not actually be seen! They zinged outward in a circular configuration.
Many a Temple goer was impaled with a goat horn. (lucky for them! An Ibex or unicorn would have certainly been fatal!) Some of the heads stuck to the columns of the Temple and before sliding down with a plop, gave the place a motif suitable for worshiping Beelzebub, not "He Without A Name". A couple of the goat heads shot through windows in the neighborhood, sweeping housewife's tasty dinners they had served their husbands off the table and leaving a smoldering “goat head” in lieu of it! There were whole families who thought they had been possessed by the Devil in a goat head incarnation.
No wonder this chick got “The Head Of The Baptist” She probably got his wiener too.
We Romans were helpless, paralyzed with laughter as goat heads landed with a puff of dust in the vicinity. Some, their eyeballs popping out of the heads and zipping around like some infernal peering marbles. Body parts being hauled away from the Temple had been intercepted and confiscated by Roman troops disguised as civilians. Those transporting the parts were taken into custody. The cloud of flies hovering over this scene concealed the trajectory of the incoming hunks of flesh and therefore the source could not be discerned. Maggots fell from the sky in a veritable hailstorm of the pesky creatures.
“Put it on the mantelpiece!”
Because a state of utter chaos had not been achieved, I Pilate, ordered an increase in the volume and variety of projectiles we were hurling at the Temple. We had acquired crosses with those crucified still attached to them. We installed these crosses into our large catapults which normally launched huge arrows. These crosses were flung towards the Temple. Flying through the air, disintegrating into pieces upon striking the Temple, loin cloths asunder. With wooden shrapnel wounding the pilgrims, making them look like victims of rampaging gangs of pygmies,who had shot blowgun darts at them. The bodies were cart wheeling around, making the flying crucifixes an effective method of encouraging the crowd to exit the Temple and stairs with all deliberate speed.
Jesus And The Apostles Playing Poker
Since we were now enjoying the carcass flinging, we had our taxidermists install human body parts into oxen and donkeys so that their heads would be hanging from the mouths and anuses of these poor rotting beasts of burden. Some had been subjected to enemas with thousands of maggots in the liquid. Upon landing, these animals would pop open, shooting the head out each end and dousing anyone close by with a soup of hideous squirmy maggots. An occasional barrel of ballistic excrement sent the Roman soldiers into hysterical laughter, as turds slid everywhere causing the pilgrims to slip and fall into the goo. The soldiers had often thought about, but never had the opportunity to do this,until now!
We decreased our rate of carcass launching. By now, shrieking hordes were trampling each other as they vacated the Temple. The piles of rotting meat grew more slowly as only an occasional body or barrel of intestines landed in an ungraceful manner, causing some of those exiting to have a digestive system attached to their bodies, or intestines wrapped around their heads like some avant-garde chapeau or fedora
Salome….. “Stick an apple in his mouth and bake him to a golden brown!”
Jesus was taken into custody at this time. Charges were pending. Since He had disrupted the moneylenders business, they had had enough of this nightmare of whirling carcasses, maggots, penises, and other unusual objects falling from the sky. They turned against Jesus with great speed and virulence.
The moneylenders decided that with the Romans, the political situation was more stable. With Jesus, there was no predicting what would happen. In order to gain the allegiance of the common people, the moneylenders decided to start a rumor that they would strike off their books any outstanding loans made by them.
“The Last Supper”
Not Many People Know He Charged An Admition Fee!
I Pilate, could at this time, do whatever I wanted with Jesus. I made special arrangements for Him. He was brought before me and given a chance to explain what he was up to. I did not want to kill Him as He had knowledge we Romans could use. So we Romans asked the crowd of gullible numbskulls to decide what they would like us to do with Him. Led by the The high priests and elders of the Sanhedrin, "Crucify Him", they bellowed! The moneylenders were out for blood. They had lost many a piece of silver because of Jesus' plan to take over Jerusalem. We had the fellow flogged, and hoped that the mob would be satisfied. Unfortunately for Jesus, the peasants were still in a bloodletting frenzy. We stuck a wreath onto his head.
One of the conspirators in the "Leper Scam", Simon of Cyrene, was made to carry the cross to Golgotha. The cross was carried into the tomb where Jesus was to be nailed to it. At that point, darkness covered the land. A little later, an earthquake shook the ground, ripping the Temple Veil in two from top to bottom. Matthew's gospel records, "The earth shook and the rocks split. The tombs broke open and the bodies of many holy people who had died were raised to life." We Romans thought that the dead coming back to life was evidence of a bunch of lazy bastards who were weaseling out of working around the house by feigning death. A few days later, Jesus revealed Himself to His disciples and let the blackguards know what He thought of their friendship!
One of my favorite scenes. We all get a laugh over this painting.
I Pilate, thought this whole episode was illustrative of the fleeting nature of popularity, and of the type of loyalty based only on thuggery and money. This "Resurrection" surprised his "disciples" too because they were really a bunch of gangsters and not "holy men" by any stretch of the definition!
In political life we find that friends can sometimes be found in unexpected places. Since both sets of Jesus' previous associates had thrown him over to save themselves, I Pilate, had decided to help the fellow. I told Jesus that He would live, as long as He never returned to Judea, and relocated to Scotland. He would help me in return. He would report the lie of the Scottish street through persons I would supply for that purpose. His wife, Mary, who was expecting a child, would not have to grovel in the stinking heat of the eastern Mediterranean, scorned by the populace. After all, the man had exhibited initiative, leadership in a complex crime, the ability to think on the run. Attributes which had built the Roman Empire. If He did not repeat the mistake of working within a context of religious fanaticism, he could succeed in his next vocation.
Judas Iscariot
I Pilate had arranged for Jesus to be taken into the tomb with his cross. He was covered with blood, but it was animal blood. I had the flogger dip his whip in a bucket of blood and this gave the appearance of a brutal beating. In the tomb, a dead man was nailed to the cross. He had been tied to another cross in case rigor mortis set in, and the corpse assumed an un-dignified posture resembling a cabaret dancer frozen in time, or chorus girl, with one foot sticking out, for example.
Check out the wiener on the guy in the middle! And the horse farting on the right could have been more polite!
No one hung around the cross when " fake Jesus" was nailed to it. After His ascension, there was no body to look at and compare with "real Jesus", so it was the perfect scam! To be honest, sometimes I think that the whole thing might have been a scam, by Jesus, with the free ride to Scotland included! Everyone ended up happy. The common people, and the un-common people had their revenge. They thought I Pilate was a firm but fair ruler.
Jesus The Christ
After Going To Scotland And Going Native
He Changed His Name To Angus McBoondoggle.
He was an ancestor of “Mad Eric Blue Hair McBoondoggle.
He was an ancestor of all of the branches of the McBoondoggles, the Von Boondoggles, and the Boondoggles.
He was ancestor to the great American Frontiersman “Daniel Boondoggle” and Mrs.Boondoggle the supermodel, actress of stage and screen, jetsetter, bon vivant,renaissance woman. I must say that calling him “Jesus ‘the Christ’” seems sort of ostentatious, sort of like “Mott the Hoople” or something.
Jesus changed his name to Angus McBoondoggle, and his descendents became big in church life. This was because Jesus had seen the power and money making potential of religion, and since "religion" is a scam in itself, he was already experienced! One of his descendents, was called Ninian and was "a most reverend bishop and holy man of the British race who had 'been instructed in the mysteries of the Christian Faith in Rome' (!)" This was the ultimate scam! A true masterpiece. A guy getting rich using a lie based on his own death, which was fake in the first place! I only learned of these facts after traveling though space and time to get to the 21st Century. I had always wondered how it turned out for Jesus, Mary and their baby.
Special Carrier Pigeon With Special Pigeon Suitcase For long Trips Used To Transport Clandestine Information Back To Me, Pontius Pilate
Jesus actually reported about life in Scotland for a while, but as time passed Rome decided the Scotts were an incorrigible people, beyond civilizing. In fact the Emperor Hadrian had a wall built to keep out the savages, which still stands to the present day!
THE END
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