KARL LAGERFELD ATELIER STORY WITH TURD ON HEAD

Wednesday, March 31, 2010 at 2:01am
Comrades, be advised that I saw Karl Lagerfeld hanging around outside my crib at night. Normally I would just send my world renowned Black Dog, Momo the Afghan Hound, to despatch the brigand, but I can see he's packing, I can see he's packing a H&K MP7 or similar, so it would be too risky to let Momo remove the blighter.

So I climbed up onto the roof and dropped a big turd onto his head. With those shades, he's easy to identify. Even Dracula doesn't wear shades in the darkness of the night. I had a supply of frozen turds in the freezer, and I had thawed out a few as I thought I might miss him the first time, and I'd need a spare, or two. (One needs to drop turds on desperadoes in this neighborhood from time to time). I have a microwave on the roof, because I know that getting hit by a frozen turd from 30 feet up could be deadly. He usually has a young model with him and that night was no different. Therefore, I selected a turd for her too. So when Karl came around with his H&K strapped to his chest, I dropped a nice solid turd onto his white pompadour. (I wore rubber gloves, to avert the danger of getting shit under my fingernails, thus avoiding a whiff of poo if I picked my nose. Plus I only used my thumb and forefinger so I could cut the other fingers off the glove and use them for condoms.)

Now, he, Karl, is so vain that he'll not want to have a hair out of place, even if there's a big stinking hunk of shit stuck to his noggin. I have to admit I was thinking of chucking a hand grenade out the window, but I reconsidered. If an explosion went off behind him, it would blow his coiffure up in the air and he would resemble the news chick Christiane Amanpour, who used to hang upside down and blow dry her hair so it was sticking up all over the place, then set fire to the tips, and claim that she just had a narrow escape from Al-Qaeda. Everyone found out she was faking, mangled up hair or not, when she turned around and there were a couple of lit cigarettes stuck in the back of her hair to simulate a smoldering coiffure..(unless they were just using her head for an ashtray while she was taking a nap) Besides, an explosion would shatter the windows of the atelier.

Karl would make much hay out of the explosion and get sympathy. I would have liked to have seen him with his shades blown off though. I have a feeling that someone poked him in the eye on general principles, and he had to have one of his testicles transplanted into his eye socket , then have an iris and pupil tattooed onto it. (he could have got a regular glass eye, but when he went to the glass eye store, he got the impression they were all staring at him) The only problem is if he rolls his eyes too much the fake eyeball gets stuck, and when he un-rolls them, he has one regular, and one completely white eyeball like in the horror movies. Even so, one of the eyeballs might have bulged out more than the other, giving him a "piratical" sort of cachet, because lots of times pirates do have one bulging eyeball. This gives verisimilitude to the phrase when they say "Aaaaaar, matey!" I'm fairly sure he would prefer symmetrically bulging eyeballs. This does not even take into consideration the fact that once the testicle was hooked up to the veins, it still produces sperm which leaks out of his eye like the geezer in that 007 movie. So if he was eating pussy, there was a chance the chick would get knocked up if he just happened to take a close gander at her pussy. That would be a reason to wear shades. Or even better, a frogman mask to completely seal in the sperm, but not an Aqualung.

Now he had a choice. Try to get a comb through the turd, and possibly end up with a reverse "Bride of Frankenstein" motif, with a brown streak on his white hair, or just try saying "Fuck it!" and claim that "It's the latest thing!" and pull off a fashion coup. But also, I then dropped a solid clod of shit down his chicks cleavage. I hoped that it would rip her shirt down and her bra, and it did. Like rend it from top to bottom. Like the veil in the temple of Jerusalem, when Christ died and the Saints were thrown out of their tombs. (although I contend that the Saints were just trying to weasel out of working around the house by pretending to be dead, then when their old ladies learned that Christ had croaked, and the Saints were out of a job [hanging out with the Son of God] their old ladies chucked them out of the tombs) In which case her whopping tits would flop out and dangle down like a couple of grapefruits, one in each of a pair of socks, then the socks tied together and hung around her neck. So she'd have to hold her jugs up to keep them from drooping like some old bag who never wore a bra.

Karl started photographing her now, notwithstanding the turd on his head, and the undeniable fact that there were a multitude of flies sortieing in the vicinity. Going into orbit around the turd, that is.

Because of Karl's desire to shoot me, (with a gun, not a camera) he had to walk through my crummy neighborhood, with this chick holding her tits up in the air, and Karl with a turd stuck to his head, which bore a slight resemblance to some aerodynamic device seen on "Flying Hero" types who proliferated in the 1940s for some reason. In any case, thugs from the neighborhood noticed the hot jugs on this chick, since she was holding them up in a most provocative manner, as if she were sacrificing them on some kind of altar to thugism, but mostly because she liked manly fellows to gawk at her excellent tits and liked their desire to feel, bite, and douse them with a deluge of semen. So the hoodlums asked the couple to stop for a while so they could masturbate and splatter come all over this chicks face and tits, as she knelt on the sidewalk, while their fellow thugs were yanking on, twirling and stretching her nipples as she groaned with lust.

Now Karl did not feel particularly threatened, because he had this machine-pistol strapped to his chest. Plus, with the turd on his head, nobody wanted to come near him, and risk getting bitten by a horsefly. They just kept splattering the chicks tits and face as she knelt on the sidewalk, while Karl took more photos. Because Karl and the young lady had allowed the criminals to ejaculate all over her, they gave Karl a "Thug-Fashion" tip. So Karl walked away from the scene with a comb suitable for the modern hairdos embedded in his head-turd, parallel to the front to rear axis of his head, except with most of the comb hanging out the back, so it added to the aerodynamic appearance of his head-turd ensemble.

Now these two sharp dressers were headed for a party where the top 100 of the glitterati were celebrating after an unveiling of important fashions for next season. Mick and his daughter, Keith, his hag and his daughters were there, Kate, Mrs.Boondoggle, Norman Mailer, (in a coffin, because the family couldn't afford a cemetery plot.) all that hep crowd.

So that opportunist Karl walked in with the turd still stuck to his bonce, and the broad still drenched with come dripping off her face onto her tits, and running down between them. She was still holding up her tits so they wouldn't get all droopy. Plus she was still hot from being mauled by the gangsters, and her nipples were tender from being yanked. A lot of the other dames who were gaping at the spectacle would have given anything to be slurping the come off her tits, because they were big, wobbly, and delicious looking..

The crowd of models, artists, stars of film and the stage fell silent. Then audible gasps were heard. Time stood still. The best people looked at each other hoping for a cue. Then... one person clapping, then two, then more, and soon everyone in the room was applauding, and shouting "Bravo!", "Bravo!" and generally whooping up seeing the new breakthrough fashion work of genius. And at a party, rather than at a corn-ball venue! They speculated..."Should it be called "Super-Dada" ?

At this time, or shortly after, all the women, dames, ladies, girls and transvestites suddenly looked glum, then shortly after that, they looked really pissed! They started slapping their escorts, kicking them in the balls, and stomping out of the room, angry.

Naturally, the men were totally bewildered. They started making Italian hand gestures and facial expressions at each other meaning "What the fuck just happened?" and "Oh my balls!"

Karl Lagerfeld had to tip them off. "Your bitches want to be drenched with come and be holding their tits. purportedly so they don't droop like a couple of cannon balls, but in reality, so they could display their hot torpedoes to the general public, and remember, I created this new unprecedented fashion!"

The lying fuck! Now I knew all this shit because Karl is a sneaky little bastard, and I figured he might double back and head me off at the pass, or alley behind my pad, so I had followed him and the slut. Now here he was, with his bitch, or I should say "a bitch" because he's so decrepit, if he tried to fuck anyone his whole body would probably disintegrate, or if not, his dick would probably fall off inside the bitch, or if she was sucking his dick, and it broke off in her mouth, and she choked on it, and she coughed it out, and it shot across the table, and just by coincidence one of the paparazzi took a photo, of when it landed in a hot dog bun just as some old cow was to take a bite.and this incident became a famous "sex of the rich and gaudy faux pas", which would amuse the common folk for years to come, and insure the photographer of ending up in the paparazzi hall of fame. Sort of like the MIck-Mars-Bar-Incident, which is so well known it's on Wikipedia, and is reputed to be the single main factor in Marianne Faithfuls' becoming a junkie. So back to fucking Karl's taking credit for a turd I dropped on his head! Filthy swine. Who would have ever thought he'd be able to turn a blob of shit on his head and a bitch slobbered with come into a new money making opportunity! Fucker!

Now all the other broads stared to drift back into the room, smiling proudly, drenched with come, shirts and bras ripped apart, semen running down their faces dribbling onto their tits! These chicks had commandeered every man they could find, and had the men douse them with come! Most of them carried turds wrapped in waxed paper, of questionable parentage, to smash onto their escort's heads! Naturally that dog Karl went around with a ball point pen gouging his "KL" into the turds, and since it was a Bic, signed all the slut's tits.

Karl saw an opportunity for photos and all the best people posed in groups as was appropriate to their social status. I knew all this shit would be in Vanity Fair and similar rags very soon. All over the Internet! But then, only Karl could have pulled it off, as he learned how to be an opportunistic vulture during his association with Leibstandarte, at the end of World War II.

The prick!

The only guys who were not dumbfounded by the events of the evening were the old bastards who worked at the Embassies. They were all spies, of course , and I recognized them from my previous career. They were too old to be interested in cunt, so they pulled down their pants and took a shit in the punch bowl. Two of them were re-enacting the Battle of Trafalgar with Admiral Viscount Lord Nelson's turd, representing the warship Victory , against Admiral Villeneuve of France and Admirals d’Aliva and Cisternas of Spain, represented by a couple of other turds. They were just having fun, a couple of doddering old fossils, and then this Russian, or I should say Soviet, because he was definitely an old school spy came along, also took a shit in the punch bowl, and started doing the "Hunt for Red October".

Now within days, fashionable guys were walking around with turds stuck to their heads! The broads took a little longer, because at first they felt shy about asking complete strangers to come all over their faces and tits. (But they quickly got over it) Also, it would usually take four guys to slosh enough goo on them so they looked presentable, holding their tits, waking around, letting other sluts scoop come off them with a spoon, just being complete whores. Very enjoyable for both babes.

Then naturally the Pope stuck his nose into it, and put out an encyclical about it, saying it was immoral, unless the broads had someone take a spoon and a funnel and put the come into their pussies. Then someone with a massive telephoto lens got a couple of candid photos of the Pope taking off that funky hat with the points on it and there was a big pointed turd! At that point , the Pope clammed up.

Larry King was the first news commentator with a turd on his head. The others soon followed. The daring ones had the "Thug-Comb" Neo-Head-Turd thing going on. There was a special show on Oprah, where experts discussed how old girls should be before they went around with come dripping from their faces and holding their tits up in the air. A couple of little 17 year old whores who had gone wrong, gave their opinion on what led them to the vulgar side, but their faces were not shown , and their voices were altered.

It became so fashionable for women to be drenched with come while holding their tits, even Rachel Madow started doing it, as well as most other news talkers with tits, and they held their tits up too as the fashion required . When it was time to turn the pages of the news, stage hands would have sticks with clothing store dummy hands on the end, and would hold up the news broad's tits. Sometimes, randy stage hands would use the hands on the sticks to feel the news broads ass, but the TV audience could not see this.

This "women drenched with come phenomena" led to a sperm shortage all over the world. Runs on sperm banks were occurring regularly! Men were having to jerk off so many times a day, repetitive motion injuries were being reported with much greater regularity. At leper colonies, arms were lying around all over the place. It was revealed that animal sperm was being mixed with human sperm and sold.

It was a "Golden Time" for dry cleaners and the cleaning industry in general. Lawyers did well too, as people were slipping on the semen which was all over everything. Insurance companies were complaining about unprovable claims. Surgeons questioned the need for nurses to be dripping come all over patients on the operating table.

The Japanese started hunting sperm whales in an effort to corner the sperm market. The Greenpeace people were up in arms and this led to a contretemps when the bow of a Greenpeace vessel was sheared off by the Patna Maru, Japanese "research ship" formerly famous for trying to corner the"World Haggis Market" by using giant whale stomachs to speed up haggis production employing spurious Scotsmen of Japanese descent, wearing kilts.

Militias were formed near the Mexican border to keep smuggled Mexican sperm out of the US. Right Wing radio shows discussed the danger of Black men splattering White women etc. Or gay men spurting goo all over straight women. The FDA warned that Canadian sperm was a health risk and recommended not buying sperm on the Internet.

Neo-cons came up with the "PNACS". This stood for "Project for a New American Come Supply". They intended to remodel the nuclear submarine fleet with artificial vaginae, and paint an eye on the side, so they could sneak up on male whales, and make them ejaculate into a vat inside the submarine, so that the US could control the World Sperm Supply. They also planned to invade Africa, or "the country of Africa" if that stupid bitch Palin gets elected. In Africa, the Neo-cons planned to herd all the elephants into a huge enclosure and utilize "Blow-up Elephant Dolls" which the bull elephants could mate with. Inside the spurious elephants, low paid workers would give the elephants a "light wiener rub", and collect the sperm in 55 gallon drums. This seemed like a good idea in theory, but was about as successful a plan as the invasion of Iraq, being a brain-wave of the jackass Paul Wolfowitz .(one of the idiots who planned the "cake walk" in Iraq) Attempts to get Wolfowitz to volunteer to get inside the "Blow-Up Elephant Dolls" and demonstrate how to give the gigantic elephant penis a "light wiener rub" were unsuccessful. That was a stroke of luck for him as, by using low-paid local talent, it was determined that after the raging bull elephants acquired the scent of a man inside the "Blow-Up ElephantDolls", their life expectancy was 1.7 seconds.

The Neo-cons decided to use the famous Exon Valdez oil tanker to ship the Semen from Africa to the US. (even though everyone knew that the sway-backed oil-tanker was a pile of shit) The Exon company said it would be patriotic to refurbish the oil tanker. Dick Cheney agreed and volunteered Haliburton Corporation to do the work. On a cost plus basis.

As time went by, the trend dissipated a little. Markets had to be created. The Traditional Set, always slow of the upbeat, were hard to sell to. Then a clever chap from the plastics industry found a way to cast "hood ornaments" made of shit so that the non-avant garde would buy a shit formed product. So soon people were seen walking down the street with the Pontiac "Indian" or the Oldsmobile "Rocket", hood ornaments, or even the Rolls Royce "Winged Lady" and Mercedes "Three Pointed Star" seen on the radiators of marques,were soon on the heads of car lovers. All of these ploys were used to avoid a glut of shit on the Commodity Exchange. (warehousing shit has always been problematic as just the fly-paper costs alone are staggering))

Even the dog clothing industry was used to sell turd products to pet owners. These were often "Plastic turds" as dogs shaking their heads when they think there's a turd on it would have caused a "Dog Turd Meteorite Shower" not gaining dog popularity, except in France. The "curly" style plastic dog turd is probably the best seller.

A world renowned sculptor was commissioned by the " George W. Bush Presidential Library " committee to sculpt a statue of the ex-president, as shit seemed an appropriate material for the president's likeness. The sculptor was seen on "A&E" wearing an Aqualung, working on the statue.

Now, after a while, styles go out of fashion especially when the "squares" or "non-hep" portion of the population start to acquire that which was previously the realm of only the rich, decadent, young, beautiful,and those who liked being sodomized regularly, while hanging from a cross, but not necessarily wearing a crown of thorns. Old geezers were on Oprah, recounting the times they had been embarrassed when their head turd had fallen into their soup because they were bald and didn't have any hair for the chunk of shit to stick to. Matronly type old ladies admitted that they had paid exorbitant tips to the swarthy type of young hombres they preferred, to squirt long luxurious blasts of semen all over them.

Congress started holding "House Select Committee Hearings on the Semen Dousing of White American Anglo-Saxon Protestant Women" to determine whether or not being slobbered with come was Un-American. And, if it was American, was it "Possibly Un-American" if the semen had been imported from Communist China, North Korea, or Cuba. Or what about the former "Warsaw Pact" nations which "might have left over spies from the former Soviet Union" And if it "Were possible", what would prevent the ''potentially corrupting possible influence'' from convincing "White American Teenagers" from being led down the garden path to a sordid life of having "large or even extra-large, (and even really thick) brown, and dark brown , Communist penises thrust vigorously into previously tight, "White American Teenage Anuses, (both male and female)'' turning them into noticeably reamed out or prolapsed "White American Anuses", with a veritable River Nile of (possibly) Communist semen dribbling out of them , and running down their nylons. As anticipated, a "Prohibition" was incorporated into the Constitution. Also included was a 10 minute "Prayer in School" provision, in which the students begged God to protect their tight White American anuses from being ravaged by a large ,or even extra large , or even really thick Brown, or dark Brown penis, (especially if it was throbbing, and had a big knob on the end) as well as other normal requests.

"Whereas, for their own good, American women will be scanned (by a specially trained dog) at airports for their own good morals, to see it they need to go to a "De-sperming facility, at Gitmo, without any resort to counsel, because of a "possible bad influence from 'previously Warsaw Pact, or countries with "Brownish, or even "Dark Brown" people inhabiting them", who have " large or even extra large (and even really thick) penises'' which "May tend to influence 'White American Women (and even men) " to bend over and have "a large or even extra-large (and even really thick)" Pro-Communist or even 'Left-Leaning' penis thrust vigorously into their bowels, 'Possibly causing them to have an unanticipated, or premature bowel movement' , and doctors say these massive foreign penises could stretch out the rectum leading to "potentially gigantic stools resembling a loaf of Vienna Bread, instead of proper 'Christian, God-fearing normal sized stools' which don't block up the plumbing. (and if used as a head turd, won't cause disk or whiplash problems) ( and if used as a door stop, won't be mistaken for a bowling ball) This amendment made all statues "which had a stream of semen emanating from a penis, (or any other organ or belly button) is hereby prohibited. Naturally this included Hot-Tubs filled with Semen. (unless of course, it is in the Republican House on C street, for study purposes) Included in the legislation was a provision..."any White Man, found to have a large or even extra large (or even really thick) penis will be compelled to have surgery to reduce it in size to a normal White God-fearing sized penis, or be forced to move to France or another heathen country which reputedly likes s-x, and allows dog excrement to pile up so high, that during World War II, the French Partisans built tank traps and bunkers from it.. Amen

HOW TO BE ROMANTIC AND WOO CHICKS SO THEY DIG YOU LESSON ONE THE LOVE LETTER

Honey, sometimes especially in the morning, I have to help Momo switch from a lying on his side position, on my bed, to a standing position, on the floor. Because, even though he’s world renowned, (people know of his exploits on 4 continents) he’s an old duffer. So I put my hands under his belly and help him get up. This action puts pressure on his bladder and he kind of goes wiz on my hand a bit. So with this information in my head, I could take him into the back yard and with my hands just in front of his wiener, I sort of him lift up and his tail goes up like a pump handle and he takes a pee. Lots of times pee gets on my hand, I thought it was because I usually aim his wiener down for him so he doesn’t get pee all over himself, although he usually manages to anyway. And he usually manages to get pee on my hand too. I do this so I can empty him out a bit so he doesn’t get so much pee all over the house.
Some people find pee all over the house dismaying. I feel that these instances are what allow me to tell such accurate depictions in my essays. I hope you wanted to know these things since I just told you. I just hope nobody gets a video of me aiming his wiener down, or they might convene a grand jury. I’m sure that if I pointed out that a “wiener aiming ” is not the same as a “light wiener rub” it wouldn’t make a speck of difference. The prosecutor would like his (or her) all over the evening news with the “First Conviction for Wiener Aiming”. (that way he (or she) could run for mayor,)( like Rudy) I may have to bolt to Switzerland, because I don’t think they extradite for “wiener aiming cases”. (although they might for “light wiener rub” cases). oox