1.
yuri_nahl Says:
April 19, 2010 at 4:59 am
Comrades, in safe deposit box of the Schikelguber family, following masterpiece was discovered with used condoms with names of ladies written on same, apparent “trophy condoms” of future Chancellor of Germany.
Meine Deuches Volk
Before I became the Fuhrer,
I was really destitute,
I tried to make ends meet,
By becoming a male prostitute.
I’d go to a be-bop joint,
Where the band was really jumping,
Try to find an old bag,
Take her home and do some pumping.
Many a night of ecstasy.
Was enjoyed by these old bats,
Whose privates smelled like the sandbox,
Of a hundred mangy old cats.
The Ende
2.
yuri_nahl Says:
April 19, 2010 at 5:40 am
Comrades, A reminiscence of time of Underground Church in Peace Loving Motherland.
When I was altar boy at high mass, we would have to use those candle extinguishers to catch priests pee, as he was an old bastard with the weak bladder, and because the high mass takes really long time. Especially if he’d been swigging a lot of the sacramental wine. So when he was facing the altar he’s discretely pull his penis out and we’d take turns catching the wizz, in the candle extinguishers, because they’re on long stick and dumping same in brass cuspidor. Priest would get angry when we purposely let piss overflow onto his shoes, and we would have to dry them off with that scarf thing that hangs round his neck. In summer when he wore the sandals, priest wold get angry because his feet would turn yellow, from the piss. We would do our best to fill his shoes up with piss anyway , it was funny because when he walked there was this sloshing noise like he was walking through puddle. One time he was so drunk he forgot to put his wiener away and his tool was hanging out while he passed out communion. The ladies were gasping and opening their mouths and the priest thought they were having an epiphany. When we were collecting the priests pee in the candle extinguishers, we would dump the pee into a brass cuspidor, because a ceramic chamber pot with bunnies on it would not look quite right on the altar. But we’d always put it in a place where he’d trip on it and have the sacramental wine and hosts flying through the air to the devout, like hailstorm of miniature flying saucers, or Frisbees, The alcoholics would dive towards the wine and the truly devout would try to capture the hosts in their mouths, or purses for those housewives who were economizing. (because later, they could put a little pate on the hosts and serve them for snacks at coffee clutch)
In any case the drama looked similar to when zoo worker flings hunks of mackerel to seals, except without the barking. The priest would by then be surfing down stairs, resembling the battleship making 25 knots through heavy seas. Awash on a Niagara Falls of piss, the old duffer would be drenched. We never emptied the cuspidor of urine, and it would smell like worst piss pot in universe. We had to stop doing it when the priests’ pointy hat stabbed one of the parishioners when he was surfing down the steps. He had had it lined with metal after a death threat (because of a molesting case) and the pointy bits were metal too and that’s what stabbed one of the devout who was lying on the floor as a result of panic to get away from the tidal wave of urine. The ambulance guys had to carry stabbed man away impaled with pointy hat still stuck in him, and remove the priest who was sitting on poor fellows’ chest trying to wrench the hat out. Amen..
Comrades, this is true story.
3.
Moko Says:
April 19, 2010 at 6:39 am
lol @ both of you..
4.
yuri_nahl Says:
April 19, 2010 at 7:38 am
Comrades, be advised that I saw Karl Lagerfeld hanging around outside my crib at night. Normally I would just send my world renowned Black Dog, Momo the Afghan Hound, to despatch the brigand, but I can see he’s packing, I can see he’s packing a H&K MP7 or similar, so it would be too risky to let Momo remove the blighter.
So I climbed up onto the roof and dropped a big turd onto his head. With those shades, he’s easy to identify. Even Dracula doesn’t wear shades at night. I had a supply of frozen turds in the freezer, and I had thawed out a few as I thought I might miss him the first time, and I’d need a spare, or two. (One needs to drop turds on desperadoes in this neighborhood from time to time). I have a microwave on the roof, cuz I know that getting hit by a frozen turd from 30 feet up could be deadly. He usually has a young model with him and that night was no different. Therefore, I selected a turd for her too. So when Karl came around with his H&K strapped to his chest, I dropped a nice solid turd onto his white pompadour. (I wore rubber gloves, to avert the danger of getting shit under my fingernails, thus avoiding a whiff of poo if I picked my nose. Plus I only used my thumb and forefinger so I could cut the other fingers off the glove and use them for condoms.)
Now, he, Karl, is so vain that he’ll not want to have a hair out of place, even if there’s a big stinking hunk of shit stuck to his noggin. I have to admit I was thinking of chucking a hand grenade out the window, but I reconsidered. If an explosion went off behind him, it would blow his coiffure up in the air and he would resemble the news chick Christiane Amanpour, who used to hang upside down and blow dry her hair so it was sticking up all over the place, then set fire to the tips, and claim that she just had a narrow escape from Al-Qaeda. Everyone found out she was faking, mangled up hair or not, when she turned around and there were a couple of lit cigarettes stuck in the back of her hair to simulate a smoldering coiffure..(unless they were just using her head for an ashtray while she was taking a nap) Besides, an explosion would shatter the windows of the atelier.
Karl would make much hay out of the explosion and get sympathy. I would have liked to have seen him with his shades blown off though. I have a feeling that someone poked him in the eye on general principles, and he had to have one of his testicles transplanted into his eye socket , then have an iris and pupil tattooed onto it. (he could have got a regular glass eye, but when he went to the glass eye store, he got the impression they were all staring at him) The only problem is if he rolls his eyes too much the fake eyeball gets stuck, and when he un-rolls them, he has one regular, and one completely white eyeball like in the horror movies. Even so, one of the eyeballs might have bulged out more than the other, giving him a “piratical” sort of cachet, because lots of times pirates do have one bulging eyeball. This gives verisimilitude to the phrase when they say “Aaaaaar, matey!” I’m fairly sure he would prefer symmetrically bulging eyeballs. This does not even take into consideration the fact that once the testicle was hooked up to the veins, it still produces sperm which leaks out of his eye like the geezer in that 007 movie. So if he was eating pussy, there was a chance the chick would get knocked up if he just happened to take a close gander at her pussy. That would be a reason to wear shades. Or even better, a frogman mask to completely seal in the sperm, but not an Aqualung.
5.
Barnesm Says:
April 19, 2010 at 8:00 am
“I’ve decided to keep my opinion to myself”
These are indeed words to survive by in any relationship.
6.
bangarrr Says:
April 19, 2010 at 9:45 am
Along the lines of “Better to be thought a fool, than to open ones mouth and remove all doubt”?
7.
paulboylan Says:
April 19, 2010 at 3:14 pm
Yuri – I was wondering what happened to you. Does Greybeard know you’re back?
Barnes and Bangar – Exactly.
8.
yuri_nahl Says:
April 19, 2010 at 8:51 pm
Comrade, humble self just returned. Following exposition may help explain recent departure. Then Comrade Gretbeard does not as far as I know.
Partial answer to conundrum follows and I will add facts as they become understood by mind weakened by horse and dog hypnosis assault.
Comrades, you will please excuse sudden and unexplained absence…. I, Yuri Nahl was in deep “de-mind control” therapy.
Because of the astute, observant Mr.Boondoggle, who noticed that the world-renowned black dog, the Afghan hound Momo, had let the hair on the side of his eyes grow long, (so his eyes could not be seen), he (Mr.Boondoggle) was able to extrapolate or infer that Momo was hypnotizing me every time he thought no one was watching. Furthermore, it was determined that Momo and the horses were beaming “mind-control rays” at me, using various methods, in order to make me enter a partial “Voodoo trance” .
Upon realizing these facts, I was removed to a dog and horse free location, where I would be safe from “mind-manipulation” by four legged animals. This was an old “Cold War” A-Bomb blast and radiation fallout shelter, buried underground, immune to most types of radiation, gamma rays, Voodoo Black and White magic, etc. (even though they were not cloven hoofed, [ the minions of the Fiend of Hell"] these horses and the dog Momo could generate magic storms equal to the output of the Vatican on Good Friday.) This “magic plasma” power is equal to ten lightning strikes and has caused the population of whole towns to have their hairdos become like Nick Nolte’s.
The horses were moved to a new location in the pasture right by the foundry and supplied with a tent, their wide screen TV, a supply of their special smelly hay they had ordered on the Internet with their voice actuated keyboard, and the pirated videos from Parkland College in Illinois, USA, which showed horses mating. (they had hacked into the Veterinary School files and thought these videos were ”OK horse xxx pornos”) They had been selling these “horse pornos” on eBay.
Now while I was isolated in safety and not susceptible to the horse “hypnosis rays,” the nerds looked around the horses stalls. There the nerds found , (1) A wireless keyboard, voice activated, (2) A number of LCD photo frames, with the dog Momo or one of the four horses on each of them, in head on poses looking intense, (3) Wireless connections to hook up the horses electronic contraptions to the foundry computer system, (4) Evidence of (hacked) code in the foundry computer, suggesting the horses had set up some hidden operation of their own, which was invisible, unless nerds were looking for it. (5) Miniature CS TV cameras,(closed circuit TV) (6) LCD picture frames set up in the horse stalls, and used as hard to notice TV monitors.
Using nerd mind power, mostly of the Chief Nerd Clyde, the significance of the hacked, almost invisible computer code was determined. It was shown that when I Yuri Nahl was in the foundry, The horses would be observing me with their miniature closed circuit TV surveillance cameras, waiting for me to sit down and relax, and perhaps take a draw on a medicinal “blunt” or “spliff” prescribed by the Doctor of Voodoo Medicine, Baron Samedi MD. Then using a camera in each horse stall, one camera aimed at each horse, they would beam “mind control rays ” at me, using the LCD photo frames the cameras were hooked up to, as a medium. These LCD photo frames were hung in the foundry lounge where everyone relaxed, including me.
9.
yuri_nahl Says:
April 20, 2010 at 4:51 am
Whereas, most people think that two live mammals have to be physically present in the same location to do hypnosis, this is not correct. A reasonable facsimile will suffice, such as the LCD picture frame “horse photos”, which in reality were “real-time” Video of the horses!
If I were to look at the “horse photos,” (which were supposedly for my viewing pleasure) they would stand really still. (and pretend it was a “photo”. not an active hypnosis medium.) I seem to have a recollection of a fly drifting by in one of the photos, but it just didn’t register in my mind, as I was probably partially under their “enchantment” or “spell”.
These devious animals had a “flash drive” type system in their hacked foundry computer, from which they played different “mind control” images, and murmurings, sort of like Jane Fonda exercise videos. Their software had face recognition capability, including detecting “yawing” of the subject being observed’s head, which allowed them to see if I was looking at their “LCD photos”. They had apparently hacked the software from an anti terrorist surveillance gadget at San Francisco airport. They used this to stop the murmuring and focused energy rays if I happened to look at their photos. At that time they were shown posed in a docile and relaxed manner, as if they had just munched an extra helping of their special smelly hay. (Which made them drowsy.) ( normally, they would then watch “Mr. Ed” videos, or get giant boners. or both.) This setup evolved into a self regulating hypnosis weapon, which could be turned on and left, while the horses were taking a nap for example).
These “fake LCD photograph mind control weapons” were constantly working, so there was no escaping the beams of energy. If Mr.Boondoggle had not noticed and diagnosed my symptoms, there’s no telling what might have happened, but I suspect it would have had something to do with attractive female horses. This “horse love” was their downfall. Dobbin had been composing a love sonnet to a female horse e-pen pal he had been courting and forgot to encrypt it,….There it was in plain text just by coincidence at the time when the nerds were doing their forensic code analysis, so the jig was up. This “love poem” also tipped the other horses off about Dobbin’s “love monopoly” and they wanted in. They checked on eBay to see if the stuffed “Trigger” (Roy Regor’s horse) was up for bid, so they could use it as a “sex toy” .
Much horse strategy had been planned, including their film careers.
Momo suggested that they reprise the “Mr. Ed ” show with Dobbin playing “Mr. Ed,” as the original “Mr.Ed” had passed over. They were planning on using Mr.Boondoggle as “Wilbur” since the original actor, Alan Young, was 90.
10.
yuri_nahl Says:
April 20, 2010 at 9:27 am
Comrades, this is a few more words describing the “Karl Lagerfeld Incident” As you may recall from reading the first part of the story, I dropped a turd onto Karl Lagerfeld’s head because he was hanging around my pad with a machine pistol, and seemed to be up to no good.
Now he had a choice. Try to get a comb through the turd, and possibly end up with a reverse “Bride of Frankenstein” motif, with a brown streak on his white hair, or just try saying “Fuck it!” and claim that “It’s the latest thing!” and pull off a fashion coup.
But also, I then dropped a solid clod of shit down his chicks cleavage. I hoped that it would rip her shirt down and her bra, and it did. Like rend it from top to bottom. Like the veil in the temple of Jerusalem, when Christ died and the Saints were thrown out of their tombs. (although I contend that the Saints were just trying to weasel out of working around the house by pretending to be dead, then when their old ladies learned that Christ had croaked, and the Saints were out of a job [hanging out with the Son of God] their old ladies chucked them out of the tombs)
(So the turd I dropped on her decolletage ripped her shirt and bra open. In which case her whopping tits would flop out and dangle down like a couple of grapefruits, one in each of a pair of socks, then the socks tied together and hung around her neck. So she’d have to hold her jugs up to keep them from drooping like some old bag who never wore a bra.
Karl started photographing her now, notwithstanding the turd on his head, and the undeniable fact that there were a multitude of flies sortieing in the vicinity. Going into orbit around the turd, that is.
Because of Karl’s desire to shoot me, (with a gun, not a camera) he had to walk through my crummy neighborhood, with this chick holding her tits up in the air, and Karl with a turd stuck to his head, which bore a slight resemblance to some aerodynamic device seen on “Flying Hero” types who proliferated in the 1940s for some reason. In any case, thugs from the hood noticed the hot jugs on this chick, since she was holding them up in a most provocative manner, as if she were sacrificing them on some kind of altar to thugism, but mostly because she liked manly fellows to gawk at her excellent tits and liked their desire to feel, bite, and douse them with a deluge of semen. So the hoodlums asked the couple to stop for a while so they could masturbate and splatter come all over this chicks face and tits, as she knelt on the sidewalk, while their fellow thugs were yanking on, twirling and stretching her nipples as she groaned with lust.
11.
Flinthart Says:
April 20, 2010 at 12:23 pm
Broken axle? Could be worse. (But thank you for reminding me what I have to look forward to…)
12.
paulboylan Says:
April 20, 2010 at 2:58 pm
Flint – You have no idea.
13.
yuri_nahl Says:
April 20, 2010 at 11:44 pm
Comrades, To continue with this Karl’s blatant assault….
Now Karl did not feel particularly threatened, because he had this machine-pistol strapped to his chest. Plus, with the turd on his head, nobody wanted to come near him, and risk getting bitten by a horsefly.
The gangsters just kept ejaculating on the chicks tits and face as she knelt on the sidewalk, while Karl took more photos, giving the babe instructions on how to pose, in order to evoke various emotions in the viewer, (or “voyeur”) of his erotic art. (His mentor, or artistic concept progenitor, was the late Robert Mapplethorpe) Because Karl and the young lady had allowed the criminals to slobber come all over her, they gave Karl a “Thug-Fashion” tip. So Karl walked away from the scene with a comb suitable for the modern hairdos embedded in his head-turd, parallel to the front to rear axis of his head, except with most of the comb hanging out the back, so it added to the aerodynamic appearance of his head-turd ensemble. Karl began to realize that his “head-turd” somehow had begun to resemble the hair-dos of the Samurai featured in the Shaw Brother’s classics of the 1960s. Those stylized coiffures they wore while whittling up anyone who did not pay excessive deference to their sense of “warrior identity”.
Now these two sharp dressers were headed for a party where the top 100 of the glitterati were celebrating after an unveiling of important fashions for next season. Mick and his daughter, Keith, his hag and his daughters were there, Kate, Mrs.Boondoggle, Norman Mailer, (in a coffin, because the family couldn’t afford a cemetery plot, and even though dead, still a personality) all that hep crowd. Since Norman was in a coffin, Gore Vidal showed up too, but brought a couple of bodyguards in case Norman was struck by a bolt of lightning, and resurrected and even though smoldering enough for people to light their cigarettes on, still might chase Gore around the room, trying to exact revenge for some real or imagined slight, smoke and small flames emanating from his funeral accoutrement.
So that opportunist Karl walked in with the turd still stuck to his bonce, and the broad still drenched with come dripping off her face onto her tits, and running down between them. She was still holding up her tits so they wouldn’t get all droopy. Plus she was still hot from being mauled by the gangsters, and her nipples were tender from being yanked. A lot of the other dames who were gaping at the spectacle would have given anything to be slurping the come off her tits, because they were big, wobbly, and delicious looking…you could say…the definitive “embarrassment of riches “.
The crowd of models, artists, stars of film and the stage fell silent. Then audible gasps were heard. Time stood still. The best people looked at each other hoping for a cue. Then… one person clapping, then two, then more, and soon everyone in the room was applauding, and shouting “Bravo!”, “Bravo!” and generally whooping up seeing the new breakthrough fashion work of genius. And at a party, rather than at a corn-ball venue! They speculated…”Should it be called “Super-Dada” ?
At this time, or shortly after, all the women, dames, ladies, girls and transvestites suddenly looked glum, then shortly after that, they looked really pissed! They started slapping their escorts, kicking them in the balls, and stomping out of the room, angry.
Naturally, the men were totally bewildered. They started making Italian hand gestures and facial expressions at each other meaning “What the fuck just happened?” and “Oh my balls!”
Karl Lagerfeld had to tip them off. “Your bitches want to be drenched with come and be holding their tits. purportedly so they don’t droop like a couple of cannon balls, but in reality, so they could display their hot torpedoes to the general public, and remember, I created this new unprecedented “Deshabille Fashion”, and this young slut is the prototype. And by the way , doesn’t my “head-turd” look excrement!”…”You vill laugh!, Ve have Vays of makeeng you laugh!”
14.
Ana Nymous Says:
April 22, 2010 at 8:13 pm
Too bad about the car; bad news but not too bad. Just enough to lead to a wonderful bit of prose.
15.
yuri_nahl Says:
April 23, 2010 at 12:50 am
Comrades, you will please to forgive disrupted sequence of events, as during this “diminished defense from
encroachment into the sovereign will,” alleged “man’s best friend” Momo had laid into place a few
“Manchurian Candidates” riding “Trojan Horses” to facilitate
future villainous deeds of criminally inclined mountebank. Therefore assembling history is “a wee bit chancy”, as Auld Angus McBoondoggle was want to say occasionally.
So to continue in narrative of “Incident at Boondoggle Foundry”……
Much planning had gone on, led by the renowned Momo. Due to his penchant for history, Momo had read of the British Raj in India, (the “Jewel in the Crown” of the British Empire). (It must be said, most of his reading was done online , as dogs find it difficult to turn pages.) (rumor has it he’s considering a small edition of his “Seven Pillars I Wizzed On” An account of the British adventures in the old country.
He had dog relations in Afghanistan, who had communicated with Indian elephants whose ancestors had been in service to the British during the time of the Raj. Some of these service elephants were used as “hunting platforms” for the British, and when the elephants overheard the British talking about some barbaric “tiger hunt” or equally grotesque pastime, they would tip off the tigers through the animal grapevine so the tigers would know which area to clear out of till the coast was clear. There were even tales of elephants pretending to trip over objects to fling the hunters off their platform when they were ready to blast some innocent creature which God had created to Kingdom Come.
The elephants had many interesting tales, (due to their good memories, and oral histories passed down from generation to generation), some of which had never been told before. For example, After hearing of the exploits of Katherine the Great of Russia’s love of using horse semen for a restorative skin balm, British women who had accompanied their husbands to India to educate and evangelize the heathens had started to use this “stallion semen therapy” to fight the rapid skin aging caused by the blazing sun.
They also seemed to enjoy practicing newly learned “love skills ” taught them by the Indian women who were not repressed like the British. The ladies had cleverly utilized the most appropriate admonition, “When in Rome, do as the Romans do.”
Luckily for the ladies, there was an ample supply of healthy stallions which the British officers used for prancing around the countryside, and lording it up in general. These stallions allowed the ladies to commence learning the correct semen harvesting method needed for their “Stallion Semen Skin Therapy”, as taught by the Indian ladies who were “in waiting” to the British ladies. The stallions did not seem to take great umbrage, or any umbrage at all to this “semen harvesting”, in fact , they were very co-operative.
This learning of the “marriage skills” was facilitated by the two foot long penises of the stallions, because during “marriage skill class” six or so British ladies could participate in the learning process at one time ( because a lot of dainty little hands could fit onto a two foot long penis at one time, while giving it a “light wiener rub”). This allowed larger classes, sped up the learning process and helped the British women overcome their Puritanical upbringing, and getting used to a horse ejaculating into their rectums for a therapeutic semen enema.
This did not mean that the ladies had enormous two foot long horse penises stuffed into their undersized, non-sodomized rectums, no. It merely meant that a few of the other ladies held the knob on the end of the writhing, squirmy, throbbing member firmly against the anus of the lady who was undergoing treatment, and holding it there as the flow of semen would jet into her bowels like a geyser of hot lava or a pot of hot clam chowder which had somehow been thrown off the second floor of an apartment building by a woman who’s plumbing was plugged up and landed right on the ladies anus as she did a peculiar yoga posture which rendered her anus pointing skyward and her legs spread apart. The ladies would know when the patient had received enough medicinal ejaculate because they could see her belly swelling up and they knew just the right time to pull the quivering horse therapy knob away from her anus before it blew off the end of the penis and into the woman’s rectum and became embedded within, resembling some giant tumor, or ricocheted off her bottom and gave somebody a black eye, or the woman erupted like a fountain squirting therapeutic semen from her mouth and anus simultaneously.
Previously the ladies had utilized the penis of a “house boy” for “marriage skill” development. The British women practiced fellatio, hand stimulation, sodomy, sitting on a face and various other practices listed in the “Kama Sutra”, including “golden showers” and an occasional “brown-out”. Often utilizing their houseboy’s stiff, young extra long, (and sometimes even extra thick) penises, which had a big throbbing red knob on the end and reminded those of them with a still life collection of “a painting which had an empty pint milk bottle with an apple sitting on the top of it upside down.” This made the job as a “house boy” much sought after.
The use of the semen which the women had their house boys ejaculate onto their faces and bosoms was also a blessing in that, the dubious expensive lotions previously used were not needed.
Semen therapy allowed the ladies to show their bosoms to the general public again, even with the blazing Indian sun. This display of heaving bosoms squeezed out their garments by tight corsets with clever padded parts which had the effect of making their bosoms wobble and bulge out of their dresses so much that their breasts had the appearance of something which the slightest jolt, such as a butterfly landing on a flower within a quarter mile or so would be cause enough to burst loose these grateful large bosoms from their un-natural confinement and answer the prayers of all who had caught sight of this potential miracle by becoming true, and restoring faith in the most devout atheist regarding the power of prayer.
The reason these ladies bulging, wobbling, swaying breasts were being displayed was to keep their White husbands and suitors from becoming overly well acquainted with any of the lovely brownish Indian ladies whose own dangling wobbly swaying breasts could be almost seen through the gauzy fabric and lace garments they wore. The British ladies were also aware of the marriage skills of the Indian ladies, since they were the actual teachers, and the British ladies the students.
Some of the gentlemen resorted to paying some heathen to fire a gun in the vicinity of any lady whose large, wobbly bosoms he wished would pop out of her tight accoutrement, and when she was startled and flinched, many times that was the result. Then the gentlemen would pretend to not watch as the lady tried to stuff her size ten bosoms back into a size five shirt, and this was an attractive process to observe, since just as she was done cramming one bulging bosom into her shirt and almost the whole second one, the first would re-pop back out and many silent prayers of thanks to a number of Gods, Christian and heathen, would emanate from the men within line of sight. (although hidden behind newspapers with holes cut in them to better observe the attempts to re-insert the breasts into the shirts without seeming too blatant)
Comrades, unfortunately Momo, Dobbin, Boliver, Albert and Rollo seem to be holding parts of anecdote hostage for unknown reason. Will present facts as soon as I, Yuri Nahl can do so.
>>
16.
YB Says:
April 23, 2010 at 4:41 am
Yuri, You never cease to confound and entertain.
17.
yuri_nahl Says:
April 23, 2010 at 5:11 am
Comrade, most gracious compliment shows generous nature of yourself. Please accept grateful thanks.
18.
Abigail Says:
April 23, 2010 at 1:14 pm
Nice to be back in the wonderful world of Boylan and Nahl, the best troll ever. I wonder could you make a sit com about a troll called yuri?
20.
Greybeard Says:
April 28, 2010 at 9:52 pm
A witless man, when he meets with men,
Had best in silence abide;
For no one shall find that nothing he knows,
If his mouth is not open too much.
Often he speaks who never is still
With words that win no faith;
The babbling tongue, if a bridle it find not,
Oft for itself sings ill.
21.
Scott Says:
April 29, 2010 at 4:18 pm
Yuri, funny as allways by about the third comment I’m in stitches, probably says something about my twisted sense of humour.
Are we looking at another Yuri/Greybeard poem off?
22.
paulboylan Says:
April 29, 2010 at 4:48 pm
Personally, I am secretly hoping for a yuri/greybeard
#
#
yuri_nahl Says:
April 30, 2010 at 1:24 pm
So like, you open your 10,000 eyes and realize you’ve been
re-incarnated as a fly. You were such a bastard in your last life, you
have to atone for your sins by living as a fly for a few lifetimes and
work your way up as a raccoon and maybe a monkey before you are human
again.
So this takes place in India because that’s where the general story
takes place, and your religion is one where this sort of
re-incarnation shit takes place. You can be a fly, a rotting corpse,
or a pile of ashes. So you’re fucked.
You’re really hungry because the house you came to life in is a
British house (even though it’s in India) . The dwellers are obsessive
compulsive and want everything “just so” “ship shape and Bristol
fashion”.
As a result, there are no dead cats or lying around the place or a dog
like Momo who would take a shit on the carpet, or in his masters bed,
as a practical joke. Therefore there would be nary a turd, or
moldering pile of necrotic flesh to nurture a flock of fly babies in.
As a result, no flying around humming “While Shepherds Watch Their
Flocks”. No gobbling down a snack from a festering turd.
You are forced to hide under the toilet seat, waiting for someone to
come along and plop a meteorite into the calm waters of the Porcelain
Sea.
You’re thinking, “This starving to death , waiting for a hunk of shit
to snack on is the lowest form of life. Plus, there is always the
“Hell of Being Smashed with a Flyswatter” so the lifetime spent as a
fly must be worth ten lifetimes as a mongoose, or squirrel.
Then to add insult to injury, the homeowners have a fan in the ceiling
turned by one of the heathens stationed in the sweltering attic. They
have attached crucifixes to the blades with string, so they swing out
and act as a “prayer wheel” like in Tibetan religion, and also to bat
to death flies who are not inclined to watch for danger.
The Indian houseboys have taken up the habit of collecting already
dead flies and flicking them up in the air like boogers so they land
underneath the fan. They pretend the crucifixes have walloped the
dead flies out of the air and exclaim, “it’s a miracle!”
The Memsahib agrees, and gives the heathens a long lecture on
Christianity, even though they think it’s a crock of shit, but laying
around being evangelized is easier than doing house chores.
So now, back to hiding under the toilet seat, waiting for a bit of
Mannah from Heaven. Or even more appropriate, waiting for his ship to
come in , or submarine to surface, (depending on whether or not it’s a
floater.)
#
yuri_nahl Says:
April 30, 2010 at 1:28 pm
You, (fly), are hoping that the person pinching off the loaf is an
opium user, because they get constipated, (like Elvis) and their
turds move like watching the minute hand of a clock. Or even watching
a woman in hard labor having a child.
A lot of squeezing and groaning is required to evacuate the Rock of
Gibraltar from their anuses. It could be compared to a size ten train
trying to push through a size five tunnel.
Some people have said when these people finally cut loose a turd the
size of a small loaf of bread, it’s reminiscent of the WW II German
super heavy 60cm mortar “Karl” lobbing a projectile into the air.
Except sort of “up-side down” but you get the picture.
The fly’s prayers are answered as some hefty British dowager
approaches, floorboards creaking under her considerable weight. She
hasn’t had it in the ass for years, so she doesn’t have a gaping,
reamed out asshole like these young British ladies.
No semen enemas either, so no quivering stallion love apple having a
chance of sliding into her lady garden and remodeling it into a
structure with dimensions similar to those of the Spiral Nebula.
You (fly) see the old cows gigantic ass descending onto the toilet
seat, making it bend and making you worry that you will be crushed.
The bathroom floor around the toilet bowl dips down slightly.
The whole scene reminds you of when you were human, (before being
re-incarnated as a fly) and it was monsoon season, and daddy had
hired those fly-by-night roof repair men , and hundreds of gallons of
water had leaked into the ceiling above your bed and it started to bow
downward and even though you kept yelling “Daddy, the ceiling’s caving
in!” since he was gouging mama a new set of innards, he ignored you
till the deluge broke through, and carried you down the stairs towards
the front door hallway . Sort of like Moses, except not on a basket
woven of reeds. This of course gave mama an excuse to avoid being
ravaged by papa in monsoon season.
#
yuri_nahl Says:
April 30, 2010 at 1:42 pm
After settling down, the matriarch’s anal organ starts to creak open,
with music created for the occasion by the God of Flatulent tunes. You
get dreamy from waiting in anticipation , and your mind drifts off
visualizing a “Hell of a Hundred Gigantic Stools” , and Rodin ,
sitting on the toilet , speed sculpting a self portrait, later
developed into “The Thinker’, from a massive chunk of feces. And what
if gnomes existed, could they take a cue from the idea of Rodin, and
hang around in toilet bowls, sculpting turds in free fall , and using
the footage for a new TV concept, “American Turd Sculpting Idol” .
Or how about , for the modern fly, “The New Corpofagial Treat, Stool
on a Stick”, with which a “Pied Piper of Flies” tricks the flies to
follow him out of town, by pulling a wagon with these “stools on
sticks” sticking up in the air to draw the flies away to the promised
land.
So you see the woman’s bung hole start to open up and bulge out like a
carbuncle on a bicycle tire getting ready to explode. You see this
what appears to be a brown bowling ball getting larger and larger, and
you are having to control vivid fear of the clod of shit flying out of
her and destroying the toilet bowl, creating a megaton of flying
porcelain shards which shred every piece of flesh off any living thing
within a quarter mile radius. So that one second, there is a man
walking his dog, and then, in an eye-blink, a couple of skeletons
standing , which then fall to the ground in a poignant manner.
So for a starving fly, this is a window of opportunity.
You are distracted by the diameter of her anus. You think, “The
priest must have porked the poor girl in the confessional in lieu of
the usual “Ten ‘Our Fathers and ten Hail Marys’”.
Most priests have a special “confessional” built by a “magic cabinet”
builder, so he can prong the girls and boys so they will think twice
about sinning again.
So here comes this massive turd, in the manner of Moby Dick breaching,
except sort of upside down, and brown, not white as Moby Dick was.
The plan is to leap aboard the turd, and gobble a couple of bites
before it hits the water. Then You’re thinking “Eating shit! This must
be worth ten lifetimes as a possumor beaver!”
#
yuri_nahl Says:
April 30, 2010 at 1:46 pm
But then, even though you don’t think that you’re like Andy Divine
sitting on that hydrogen bomb hurtling towards the Soviet Union in the
movie “Dr. Strangelove” (because that movie won’t come out for another
hundred years, the image would appeal to those reading this tale in
modern times.
And had it taken place in modern times, you (fly) might have felt like
the Apollo 13 astronauts. Or even worse, gave thought to the guilt
ridden Soviet scientists who put that poor dog “Laika” into orbit.
These scientists are reputed to have recurring nightmares of a
smoldering zombie dog crashes through the roof of the dacha, and
chases them around the table while little flames, embers and smoke
puff from its blackened carcass, ears and tail falling off, glowing,
sparks flying from them.
Aside from these easily foreseeable thoughts, you (the fly) , standing
on the turd, hurtling toward the toilet water, are thinking, (between
gulps of shit)… “If only this turd were not so aerodynamically
correct, if only it had a little parachute on it, or just a piece of
string, a piece of string which the person taking the defacation had
eaten to preclude getting her bottom splashed by poo-water, by
allowing the turd to lower itself slowly and gracefully in a dignified
manner. (since the string would be embedded in the “out of body” turd,
and the one still lodged in the rectum of the person depositing the
blob of poo..
Had this “string ploy” been used, the fly would have been able to
dine an an ample and abundant manner.
This was not to be however, as there was a danger of the dowager
matron being done going poo ascending from the toilet, forgetting to
cut the turd-string and pulling a string of turds out of the toilet
bowl, and imagine…a lady dragging what resembled a string of
sausages, and considering the hallucinatory state of mind had by many
colonialists of the sub-continent (due to the prevalence and use of
opiates there) the string of turds could be confused for a family
of diminutive armadillos chasing the woman around the drawing room.
Now as an aside from this narrative of the “Glory Days of Empire” ,
as a public service to help combat the pandemic, here are some
essential health tips:
#
yuri_nahl Says:
April 30, 2010 at 1:49 pm
(1) Never wash your hands. That’s right. Never wash your hands.
Think about it. Who washes their hands? ….Sick people….They’re
trying to get well by washing their hands.
(2) Now I say, “If you take a shit, and you manage to poke your
finger through the toilet paper, and there’s a brown streak on your
finger, just rub it in like hand lotion. That’s right, just spread it
all over your hands, then make a sandwich”
Now you may say, ” Why would I smear Shit all over my hands then make
a sandwich?” Then I would answer, “Because that’s how you stay
healthy, and if you’re sick, get better.”
(3) I postulate “Who is always washing their hands to get
healthy”?…..sick people.” then “What happens when you go to the
doctor?” He gives you an expensive exam, then goes into the other
room where the nurse starts sucking his dick. He says to her “Go take a
shit, and put it into these capsules.” Then she says, “How the fuck
am I supposed to stuff a turd into these little capsules?” Then the
doctor says ” What the fuck do you think a funnel is for, you stupid
cunt?” and she says ” I thought that was for pissing into your
patients assholes when you can’t get you dick into it.”
(4) Think of this: How many times have you (out of natural curiosity)
opened up a capsule, taken a whiff of it and thought, “that smells
like shit!” . Did you ever wonder why?
(5) It’s because the doctor is filling the capsules with shit, and
charging you a fortune for them.
(6) Why?….Because when you go to medical school, you fuck yourself
silly for nine years, get your parents to lend and give you piles of
money for whores, drugs, booze, gambling. Then in the last year, they
teach you:
(7) “To stay healthy, roll around in, and eat a smear of shit every
day. If you shit in your bed, or underwear, that’s a plus.
Some people may say, “He’s crazy.” (meaning me, the author). But now I
have proof that this hypothesis is correct.
Now consider this: Ready?
(8) Have you ever seen a sick fly? No , you have never seen a sick
fly. Nobody in the whole world, or throughout history has seen a sick
fly. Now what do flies do all day? They wallow around in shit, eat
shit, eat rotten meat, and they’re so healthy they can fly around. Now
can you fly around?
(9) Now remember the first rule of good health…..Anytime you see
some asshole washing his hands all the time, that motherfucker is
sick. Stay away from that person. (smear a little shit on their
doorknobs and toothbrush, and they’ll be right as rain in a jiffy.)
#
paulboylan Says:
April 30, 2010 at 3:50 pm
Scott – Exactly what I did.
Yuri – You go, Tovaritch!
#
yuri_nahl Says:
April 30, 2010 at 4:06 pm
But back to the fly.
God made flies just to fuck with human’s heads.
God also made men crazy enough to wear white linen suits in India, in
the 1800s just to see who was a sporting type.
That was because washing machines had not been invented yet and if you
didn’t have a heathen to do your laundry, you’d be fucked.
God would have been watching, sneering, while the poor laundry boy
tried to find some clean water to wash this white motherfucker’s
white linen suit. Now he’d have to go down to some mangy assed
waterway, with the dead bodies of cows and men, and probably a few
other forms of life , all floating down to the sea, plus the devout
performing their ablutions and an occasional enema
Some crafty devils came up with the plan of stopping the floating
bodies upstream then shoving sticks into the carcasses, and hoisting
little sails on them, plus the flag of the gentleman betting on the
corpse. This way, the heathens would release all the bodies at one
time and the colonials wold wager on them. In this way, there would be
two birds killed with one stone. The stiffs would proceed out to sea
with greater speed, and the heathens could skim off some of the
colonials ill-earned swag by various means since they made sure the
Raj were served an overabundance of alcohol to which a little opium
had been added. This expediting the departure of the dead had the
desired effect of cleaning the water a little so that the British
could sport about in white linen suits in India, in the 1800s.
#
paulboylan Says:
April 30, 2010 at 4:14 pm
Yuri, buddy, that was simply one of the funniest essays I’ve ever read. You have no idea how much I appreciate you. I may not always comment but I always enjoy your prose. But sometimes, like this time, I can’t stop laughing. I mean, come on, carcass and cadaver betting in old India: can it get any funnier than that?
#
yuri_nahl Says:
April 30, 2010 at 4:50 pm
God, being a prankster, decided to have a little fun. In the
afternoon, after the flotilla of bodies had gone by, and bets were
settled, God changed the direction of the wind. He’s God after all and
can do whatever he wants. So as evening drew nigh, the corpses started
to navigate back up the river. The bookies were trying to re-collect
their bet money , so as to skim a little more boodle from the
colonials.
Soon gunfire was heard, as the irate British decided to sink the
carcasses with an un-holy tactic. As everyone knows, if not relieved of
their digestive system , bodies will bloat in the high temperature of
India. Thus, when the bloated bodies floated up the river, their
penises were bloated too, becoming like a fleshy periscope searching for a suitable vagina.Some of the British men saw this as an
affront, partly because the ladies liked this penis-scape as they had only seen such large penises on their stallions, when they gave them a therapeutic “light wiener rub”.
At this time, the intoxication of the colonials was at it’s height. It was therefore logical to sink the dead, or un-dead, depending on the point of view. Some thought it was a “miracle” This was due to the swollen zombie penises being more gigantic and desirable than they had been in life.
Artillerymen were summoned, and ordered to fire red hot pieces of
metal at the flotilla of corpses. Upon striking the bodies , the red
hot metal shards ignited the intestinal gas. The resulting explosions hurled flesh, intestines, penises, hands and feet into the air, creating an “a la cart” for circling gulls and carp. Scuttling the dead in a macabre prequel of the High Seas Fleet in 1919 or so. (at Scapa Flow)
To some of the British, this was a glorious reminiscence of sea
battles of renown. Reminiscences of Nelson and Harvey in some lusty below deck romance, or a fashion show featuring a cabin boy in a frilly nightie. Some broke into choruses of “Hearts of Oak”, and
“Rule Britannia” Calling each other “dirty old men”.
The explosions also caused many a guffaw regarding “being hoisted of
their own petard”. Although some heathens did not find it that
humorous. They did think it was fun when a couple of faces blown from
their rightful owners landed on some sleeping British gents and
rendered them into a “gone native ” motif.
The gunfire caused consternation in the British households as this
noise disturbed the fellatio the British women were performing on
their houseboys swollen throbbing extra long (and sometimes really thick ) penises, with the red knob on the end, which was warming up to fire on the ladies uvulas. as their love sausages seemed to shrink temporarily.
#
yuri_nahl Says:
April 30, 2010 at 4:59 pm
At that time in history there was unemployment in a couple of related
industries. The “Hooded Cobra herders” were losing employment, as were
“Mongoose Herders” . It was discovered that the cobras were being
de-fanged and used as rectum cleaning devises, by the ladies of the
Raj. The ladies would stick the cobras into a silk bag and have their
houseboys insert them into their rectums. The cobras would panic, and their fluttering “hoods” were expected to scour any chunks of excrement clinging to the ladies rectums. When the cobra was suffocated, a new one was inserted by the houseboy so the unconscious one could revive.
Needless to say, this caused a cobra shortage, and put the cobra
herders out of a job. With no cobras, the mongoose herders were out of
a job. Speculation was rife. After all, how much cleaning does one
rectum need?
History tells us that there were various causes for the “mutiny” (The
First War for Independence” In India, the facts included in this
story were the essential substantive ones. The other causes were incidental.
………Professor Yuri Nahl. April 30, 2010
#
yuri_nahl Says:
April 30, 2010 at 5:17 pm
Comrade Paul, many thanks for you kind and generous compliment.
#
Greybeard Says:
May 1, 2010 at 7:06 am
In Life what hope is always unto flies?
Tales of Beelzebub that shall come again
Smearing the Earth with his eternal stain,
House, Horse, Blow. While ever grease fries,
What matter which, or how, or even when?
If we but look beyond the swatter’s pain,
And trust the Future to write all things plain
Squashed on glass with the predestined pen.
This is their doom. Upon the blind blue sky
A little cloud, no larger than a hand.
Whether I live and shit, or shit and die,
I care not: either way I understand
To me–to live is a buzz; to die is gain
For I, I also, I shall come again.
#
yuri_nahl Says:
May 1, 2010 at 7:18 am
Comrade, very lovely! Remember to have a nice May Day.
#
Greybeard Says:
May 1, 2010 at 7:23 am
счастливый день может to you too Comrade Yuri. Down with the bourgeoisie! Except me of course.
#
yuri_nahl Says:
May 1, 2010 at 11:21 pm
Comrades, a public service announcement http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpuYoK6wv_Y
#
yuri_nahl Says:
May 7, 2010 at 2:34 am
Comrades, it has come to my attention that the Eastern predilection for prayer wheels may rub off onto the western world. This may cause a need for inspection of US government owned automobiles to have their hubcaps inspected for “prayers” as with every revolution the auto’s wheels, a prayer is said. This may seem to be exaggeration but it is not. “Jesus Rifles” in Afghanistan, causing a ruckus with the local Muslims. There are Internet, Digital, Electric, Wind, Fire and Water powered prayer wheels. The danger of hubcap based prayer wheels is immense, as with all that prayer, beamed at the wrong God, or focused to help the wrong cause, could do irreparable damage to the United States Republic. Even worse are the Thug-mobile type wheels that keep spinning. (The ones with the scimitars attached to them) They are reciting prayers even when the automobile is stationary, thus out-praying the non-spinning (non Thug-wheels) by an amount not subject to normal mathematical analysis. I urge you to write to your congressperson to establish a select committee to look into “stealth prayers” on the wheels of government operated cars. These are attached to the wheels by operatives of foreign governments such as “The Jackal” This may is as big a problem as any other un-American plot. Normal Americans may be influenced by a “normal appearing taxi ride to the airport”. We all have heard of “The American Taliban”, who suffered this fate , and switched from going to see his mother and signed with a gang of desperadoes.
#
Greybeard Says:
May 7, 2010 at 3:36 am
Thank you Yuri! You have inspired my greedy Capitalist mind with a wonderful new means to rip off the American public, raise public nuisance levels to new heights and possibly bring down civilisation as we (but not necessarily you) know it.
Any large circular hubcap could easily be stamped during manufacture with a spiral groove of varying depth. This is the very technology of the analog musical devices of ancient times called “records”! A simple spring-stabilised arm pivoting vertically from the side of the vehicle would have a needle to run through this groove, converting the varying amplitudes into what I have named “Ultra-Low-Fi Sound Reproduction”. The resulting noise, further modified by uneven road surfaces and the random bouncing of the needle, would be projected through outward facing speakers in the sides of the boot (or trunk as you inexplicably call it, since your elephantine American vehicles should clearly have the trunk at the front). At low, cruising-the-boulevard, speeds, your “rap” music would be almost understandable and any scratching effects would be indistinguishable from the operations of the usual DJ.
The possibilities are enormous, by which I mean appalling. Islamists could record a different speech by Bin Laden on each hubcap and drive through New York. US military convoys could blast provocative comments and aggressive prayers as they travelled the highways of Afghanistan and Iraq. I don’t even want to think about this technology falling into the hands of Southern Baptists or Mormons.
Painted markings on these caps could also be arranged to spell out offensive comments at selected road speeds using stroboscopic effects. Skillfully sized and positioned holes could produce siren sounds or high pitched whistles that would drive every dog within a mile of the road insane. This may be the greatest advance in hubcap-based technology since Boudicca! I have of course reserved all intellectual property rights connected to these brilliant inventions in the name of Greybeard Inc.
#
yuri_nahl Says:
May 7, 2010 at 4:50 am
Comrade Sir, you are a genius I must say. Your talent for product development will earn you a fortune when you arrive on the shores of the promised land. Just make sure you keep up your medical insurance because in the “land of the free, it ain’t free”.
Your fusion of old and new technology raises your stature because your vision is so above the mere vulgar acquisitiveness and lust for the banal so often thought of as achievements in this great land. A statue resembling your mortal self should be erected in a suitable location. My location would be near the Washington Monument, although I would feel more comfortable deferring to your superior judgment.
I feel that this unveiling of your unprecedented “New-Capitalist-Concept” deserves a celebratory day in your native land.
I feel that, at this time, should you chose to, you could start a religion with yourself staring as the “Savior of the Capitalist World”.
#
yuri_nahl Says:
May 8, 2010 at 2:50 pm
Comrade Women, Happy Mother’s Day. Hug hug , Kiss kiss
Monday, May 24, 2010
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
HISTORY OF THE DOWAGER'S BOTTOMS GETTING WEDGED IN TOILET SEATS AT THE TIME OF THE FIRST WAR OF INDEPENDANCE IN INDIA
Comrades, the following is an additional piece of previously unheard of history.This anecdote has never been published in any form , anywhere.
The only way I became aware of it was because Momo the world renowned black Afghan hound, realized the chariot horses, Dobbin, actually, should send an email to the elephants at the Pinnawela elephant orphanage in Sri Lanka. The horses and Momo were getting some authentic background for the new "Mr.Ed in India" TV series.
In Pinawella, these elephants met with the chariot horses. The flight crew, (who were all Rastas) accompanied the horses and Momo on their quest for an account of history only the elephants would know. The Rastas were delighted to have a chance to converse with elephants as there were not many in Jamaica, and they could bone up on their elephant dialect. (Rastas have always been able to converse with animals, as they both are joined by the essential knowledge.) The Duppy stories recorded in the 1920s show examples of this "human to animal dialect", "animal to human dialect" and some stories showing the interactions. The Rastas also had their own steel band. Every time there were no people in sight, the horses made them roll a few spliffs, as these had been prescribed by their doctor. They wanted to keep their medication private so nobody could mis-represent it in the fan magazines.
Now these elephants, even though they were in Sri Lanka, were expatriate Indian, or had Indian relatives, and so were well versed in the oral tradition which elephants have as a history dating back till the first century.
Naturally , they spoke English and so could communicate with the horses. Momo the world renowned Afghan hound was also there in case there was a translation problem.
He, Momo had been staying up late at night at the foundry, reading about the Indo-European languages, in case there was a problem which could be sorted out by knowing the root or etymology of the word. Anyway, reading helped Momo to keep his mind clear, since hanging around with the horses had the opposite effect. They kept smoking that smelly straw with that weird pipe they had, singing "On the Open Road", and whinnying hysterically, rolling around on their straw, nickering, coughing, all that stuff.
But I have to go back to the beginning, as this is sort of the middle.
In San Francisco, near the foundry, near the floating dry docks on third street. Riding at anchor, in San Francisco Bay, was the Boondoggle aircraft, the "Spirit of Eventual Arrival".
Now they loaded all their essential supplies onto the aircraft. The crew arrived and looked a little unusual for a flight crew. Two pilots, a flight engineer, navigator, radio operator, a chef, steward, stewardess, and stable-boy. Many bales of smelly hay were craned aboard. Also, steel band instruments, victuals for an extended stay, (just in case). Many maps, satellite phones, contraptions for Internet, A huge computer monitor, (for the horses). An acting coach for the horses, an acting coach for Mr.Boondoggle, two makeup artists, a hairdresser. Even a person for polishing up the horses hooves, so they looked spiffy.
Their destination was Mumbai, the Hollywood of India, but there were a couple of stops where they would rest up a bit. The flight crew always looked like they needed resting up. They wore sunglasses all the time, and smelled like the hay the horses liked. In addition, when they removed their pilot caps, their hair flew out and was very abundant and nappy. In fact, it looked like it had not been combed in five years or so. They could communicate with "Bongo-Drum" language, which proved handy when the intercom and flight engineer were out of commission at the same time.
Therefore the aircraft jaunted down to Isla Cerralvo in the Baja of Mexico and landed on the water for fuel. This aircraft has huge wheel spats and these were waterproofed so that the machine is amphibious with no re-configuration required. (considering the crew, that's a plus). This Baja water is slightly calmer and many resorts allow for re-fueling and re-victualing the craft. The flight engineer was seen purchasing drums of alcohol for injecting into the motors during takeoff. (to cool the cylinder heads) I had always imagined it would be "wood alcohol" not "grain alcohol".
Any time customs or other bureaucrats from countries they visited came aboard, the horses would go poo and break wind in the direction of the officials, who became disinclined to search the aircraft further.
We stayed on board during the night, but the horses were lowered into the water for a swim. There is a crane on board the aircraft to facilitate this swimming, and other loading chores. It took as long to get their swim trunks onto them as lowering them into the water. They are stars, certainly. (One of them had brought "Speedos", but thought about it and decided to store potatoes in them instead.)
Another stop in Veracruz, Mexico, and on to Jamaica. Rather a long stay there, un-planned too. But we re- acquired the physician, Baron Samedi,MD. He had gone ahead of our flight on a commercial jet. He had to pick up a few supplies. We loaded an MRI machine into the aircraft. Good thing we had the crane. The Baron said we need it , just in case. He also had a trunk of Voodoo medicine, and his Voodoo-ology books, (a library of a few hundred volumes), and a stenographer in case he wanted to jot down the native black and white magic as practiced in the different countries.
At this time , the flight engineer noticed there might be an anomaly with some of the instruments, mainly the compass. Then on to Guyana, out over the ocean to Cape Verde islands in the Atlantic, Gibraltar, stay overnight, at the mouth of the Mediterranean, Palermo Italy, (stop to see friends , and have wonderful food) (and see Italian babes) Alexandria Egypt, then straight south, doing anything needed to avoid Israeli airspace, to Dubai, then rather a long flight to Sri Lanka, to visit the Pinnawela elephant orphanage. There, the horses planned to converse with the elephants to gain some authentic background history for their "Mr.Ed in India" TV show.
Elephants have a deep and detailed oral history. They are known to have good memories, and pass this history from one generation to the next.
From the time of the First War of Independence in India, also known as the "Indian Rebellion of 1857", by non-Indians, there have been seven generations of male elephants who could breed, and ten generations of females. Since the females were probably not crazy like their male partners, they were asked for the details of life as it was, one hundred fifty years ago.
I Yuri Nahl, historian, cultural anthropologist, fashion consultant, have already published extensive narrative of life during the time of the Raj. These following details were lost in the sands of time and only re-discovered by Momo, the Afghan hound, as he chatted with some of his dog relations in Afghanistan who had been jabbering with the Indian elephants, making jokes about the British.
This particular story was overheard and passed on by an elephant who was waiting for his driver (mahout) to become un-frozen. He had become paralyzed with laughter and could not have moved even if his testicles were lying on a railroad track, and a train was coming. Some house boys were regaling him with the tales of life in the mansion.
Now you may recall reading about the dowager who shattered the toilet bowl with a well placed lump of faeces, when her bowels finally moved. She saved herself from falling onto the floor by grasping the chain to the cistern, although she managed to pull the cistern off the wall in the process, knocking her maid silly and putting a big undeserved bump on her head, as the cistern swung from the wall, being pulled by the matron's hefty avoirdupois, and simultaneously held back by the lead pipe connecting the cistern to the toilet bowl proper. Several bottles of gin fell out of the cistern, but the maid was polite enough to pretend not to notice.
Blasting toilet bowls to pieces became common as the use of opiates caused constipation resulting in impacted stools hard as granite. A new branch of "geomancy" developed, using the shattered fragments of porcelain as the medium to be interpreted.
I should mention that there were mysterious occurrences where toilet bowls were shattered into thousands of pieces, the pubic hair of matrons singed off and no fat bottom was embedded into a toilet seat. This happened when the lady was puffing a bowl of opium, or smoking a cheroot, and broke wind while tapping the ash from her opium pipe or cheroot into the toilet. It was the resulting explosion of the gas which singed off the hair on the matron's private parts. The blast also lifted the matron up into the air a few inches, while simultaneously puffing her formidable ass cheeks apart and therefore avoided getting them jammed into the toilet seat itself. Naturally, nobody discussed such private things, and this would have been lost, if it were not for the heathen household servants discussing it within earshot of the elephants.
The elephant handler told the house boy's tale in which the following facts were the body of the story.
Opiate use was common in India. It was a sort of herbal ''stiff upper lip''. Now this opium use also had the effect of the constipated matriarchs spending extra time sitting on the toilet, and during that time, their fat, sweaty bottoms had a tendency to squirm down into a wedged configuration, relative to the toilet seat, itself.
It came to pass that gigantic assed old ladies were ripping whole toilets off the floor so often that the "bustle" was invented to camouflage this fixture attached to the woman, till a plumber and doctor were summoned. These professions not being represented in abundance in the scorching climate.
It was not considered polite to walk around with a whole toiled bowl jammed onto a lady's ass, especially at diplomatic functions where ambassadors were expected to attend. It made dancing a wee bit chancy also. A toilet bowl could get knocked loose and was rather hard to explain, as it skidded across the dance floor. If there were water in the toilet bowl, it would sometimes make a sloshing noise, and wake up old salty dog type codgers, having induced a nightmare of being back at sea, rounding the Horn.
Even the Sherlock Holmes stories were affected by the torn off toilet bowls phenomena. Since the women still had to perform their bodily functions, they sometimes sat down and inadvertently defecated on the carpet. (through the toilet bowl wedged onto their asses) Large dogs were purchased because they could be blamed for the heaps of excrement. Some people think the evil Alistair Crowley somehow got wind of these "excrement piles" and thought he'd use it as a novel way to get attention. This of course leading to his penchant for "passing stool" on the living room carpet when attending a party at the bishop's mansion. For example.
Conan Doyle wrote a story in which Holmes had to reason the source of manure piles appearing in the house of a duffer who had died after returning from India. This title "The Mystery of the Appearing Stools" was only published in a limited edition, as it was thought the reading public would be unable to bear with the book, and conclude the author had slid into insanity, crazed by cocaine. It was assumed the British public could never accept the possibility that a British lady would do such a thing. It was not even proved that British ladies even passed stool at all.
Now after this incident, the matriarch decided to try turning sideways on the toilet seat because she wanted to preclude getting her blubbery behind jammed into the toilet seat. The danger being of course, that if she were obliged to ascend from the toilet (in a hurry) the seat itself could be torn loose from its moorings and become a type of "Dada" ass jewelry, which in reality would only look good on an 18 year old girl. Or, even worse, the whole seat and toilet bowl assembly could rip loose from the floor, and she'd be forced to walk around with a whole plumbing fixture attached to her ass like a girl scout ready for every contingency, including taking a dump on the run.
It goes without saying, the affliction made horse riding impossible. Because of the climate, when the horses learned of this, subtle expressions of joy could be discerned on their faces. For now, their only duties would be having their semen harvested for face lotion, and not hauling around large weights in the blazing heat.
After shattering a toilet, a number of these ladies were put out of commission, laying on their backs, unable to right themselves, resembling turtles in long dresses until an NCO of engineers thought of using a chain fall with the hook attached to the toilet seat, (after the porcelain part was broken away) and hoisting away. The original intent was to yank the seat from her behind, but it was found that this lifting up would return the woman to her normal attitude toward the horizon, namely vertical. Although with the seat still jammed onto her bottom.
A danger nobody considered is the propensity an anus has to make flatulent discharges an octave higher if there is a toilet seat jammed onto it. (because of the similarity to the tightly pursed lips of a bugle player, as he wants the notes to be higher)
Even the toilet seat lid became part of the Raj legend, as when passing gas, the seat lid would tend to be blown away from the anal organ, (undulating back and forth) and create an effect similar to the "wah-wah" pedal made famous by Jimmy Hendrix a hundred years later. In the time being described however, the sound was identified as a "spirit manifestation" , A "crying in the night" as "sorrow for a sin, un-atoned for". Perhaps the yowling of a hyena yearning for his mate.
Now this "sitting sideways" on the toilet had an influence on something which could have never been anticipated in a thousand years.
This was because of the prevalence of the epidemic of "K.O.D.S." (keeling-over dowager syndrome).
This would happen when a clod of faeces would be fired from a bowel which finally moved. The toilet bowl would shatter, then the matron would keel over backwards. Since by sitting sideways, she had nothing to hang onto. (Her maid was still recovering from concussion.) Then when her back hit the floor, the impact would fire another stool from her anus, and since the toilet seat was jammed onto her, it focused her behind like the taper bore barrel of some artillery piece, and launched the faeces cannon-ball out the window, with enhanced rapidity.
Since the British had a love for parades and formal troop inspections while wearing a wool uniform in the blazing Indian climate, there were often officers with their swords held vertical at attention, the clod of flying dung got split into two parts by the sword of the front officer. Each of the two chunks flying to either side, knocking out the officers behind the first.
This event was duly noted in the diary of the regiment.
This was such an unusual event that it was incorporated in the heraldic coat of arms of this regiment, in that a (highly stylized) fat woman, lying on her back was portrayed firing a clod of (stylized) faeces, which was cut into two parts and shown knocking out two officers, struck down by the excrement shrapnel. All these elements were almost unrecognizable, unless the viewer was familiar with pageantry, and heraldic symbols.
This may seem un-important, but in the 20th century the coat of arms was observed by a weapons developer who liked to view historical aspects of his deadly trade. He was learned in the language of heraldry. Noting the splitting of the single lump of dung into two warheads, he derived the M.I.R.V. concept, or "multiple independently targetable reentry vehicle" for long range ballistic missiles, a new way to kill more of the enemy, and confuse the anti-missile defense of their opponent.
It was inferred the German "Paris Gun" of the WW I era was inspired by a tipping over dowager who had imbibed a few extra fizzy gin and tonics, with Schweppes tonic water, because of the quinine, (to bolster her against the malaria) and shot a stool twice the normal distance. This unusual spectacle was observed by a visiting German officer of artillery, and incorporated into his thesis for a doctorate. (not mentioning the material the projectile was made from). (or the construction of the barrel) . He concluded there was a possibility for a long range weapon, a railway gun, using increased amount of slower burning propellant. This was developed into the "Paris Gun". This same officer's interest in projectiles fired from ladies was probably the inspiration for the WW I era 420 cm mortar "Gamma". Although the literature does not mention excrement. (or ladies).
An idea the British had for eliminating some of the fly population was met with limited success. When troops noticed that a chicken leg thrown into the air would hit the ground as a bone, the fly problem was addressed.
Some local talent was recruited to sculpt a wounded soldier from stools. (packed into a dense pile.) The British kindly gave him a stick of incense to deodorize his studio. The sculpture was then dressed in a bloody uniform. He was loaded onto a cart and pulled out of town by a number of heathens. After reaching a suitable distance, a charge of explosives was detonated using a fuse. The government estimated 5 million flies were dispatched to fly hell. Most of the heathens survived the explosion, but their attire was blown off them so they were arrested for "indecent exposure" and fined an amount equal to what they were to be payed for this pulling the cart out of town.
Now when these "turd-cannon balls" were careening through the air, some observant chaps noticed a "comet tail" following them. Closer observation showed it to be "flies in pursuit of a decent meal." After this, anytime fireworks sky rockets were used by the Raj, a lump of fecal matter was smeared onto it (by a heathen) and it was hoped that this would lead to fly deaths since the comet tail would be in the blast of the rocket propellant and and singe their wings off. The flies would then fall to earth and be eaten by other insects.
These are the main facts which are not included in the curriculum used by students in their quest for knowledge. The horses asked the elephants if they could pass the information on to humans, even though many humans have less respect for animals. So with the permission of the elephants, I hereby publish this information for your enlightenment.
Professor Yuri Nahl.
The only way I became aware of it was because Momo the world renowned black Afghan hound, realized the chariot horses, Dobbin, actually, should send an email to the elephants at the Pinnawela elephant orphanage in Sri Lanka. The horses and Momo were getting some authentic background for the new "Mr.Ed in India" TV series.
In Pinawella, these elephants met with the chariot horses. The flight crew, (who were all Rastas) accompanied the horses and Momo on their quest for an account of history only the elephants would know. The Rastas were delighted to have a chance to converse with elephants as there were not many in Jamaica, and they could bone up on their elephant dialect. (Rastas have always been able to converse with animals, as they both are joined by the essential knowledge.) The Duppy stories recorded in the 1920s show examples of this "human to animal dialect", "animal to human dialect" and some stories showing the interactions. The Rastas also had their own steel band. Every time there were no people in sight, the horses made them roll a few spliffs, as these had been prescribed by their doctor. They wanted to keep their medication private so nobody could mis-represent it in the fan magazines.
Now these elephants, even though they were in Sri Lanka, were expatriate Indian, or had Indian relatives, and so were well versed in the oral tradition which elephants have as a history dating back till the first century.
Naturally , they spoke English and so could communicate with the horses. Momo the world renowned Afghan hound was also there in case there was a translation problem.
He, Momo had been staying up late at night at the foundry, reading about the Indo-European languages, in case there was a problem which could be sorted out by knowing the root or etymology of the word. Anyway, reading helped Momo to keep his mind clear, since hanging around with the horses had the opposite effect. They kept smoking that smelly straw with that weird pipe they had, singing "On the Open Road", and whinnying hysterically, rolling around on their straw, nickering, coughing, all that stuff.
But I have to go back to the beginning, as this is sort of the middle.
In San Francisco, near the foundry, near the floating dry docks on third street. Riding at anchor, in San Francisco Bay, was the Boondoggle aircraft, the "Spirit of Eventual Arrival".
Now they loaded all their essential supplies onto the aircraft. The crew arrived and looked a little unusual for a flight crew. Two pilots, a flight engineer, navigator, radio operator, a chef, steward, stewardess, and stable-boy. Many bales of smelly hay were craned aboard. Also, steel band instruments, victuals for an extended stay, (just in case). Many maps, satellite phones, contraptions for Internet, A huge computer monitor, (for the horses). An acting coach for the horses, an acting coach for Mr.Boondoggle, two makeup artists, a hairdresser. Even a person for polishing up the horses hooves, so they looked spiffy.
Their destination was Mumbai, the Hollywood of India, but there were a couple of stops where they would rest up a bit. The flight crew always looked like they needed resting up. They wore sunglasses all the time, and smelled like the hay the horses liked. In addition, when they removed their pilot caps, their hair flew out and was very abundant and nappy. In fact, it looked like it had not been combed in five years or so. They could communicate with "Bongo-Drum" language, which proved handy when the intercom and flight engineer were out of commission at the same time.
Therefore the aircraft jaunted down to Isla Cerralvo in the Baja of Mexico and landed on the water for fuel. This aircraft has huge wheel spats and these were waterproofed so that the machine is amphibious with no re-configuration required. (considering the crew, that's a plus). This Baja water is slightly calmer and many resorts allow for re-fueling and re-victualing the craft. The flight engineer was seen purchasing drums of alcohol for injecting into the motors during takeoff. (to cool the cylinder heads) I had always imagined it would be "wood alcohol" not "grain alcohol".
Any time customs or other bureaucrats from countries they visited came aboard, the horses would go poo and break wind in the direction of the officials, who became disinclined to search the aircraft further.
We stayed on board during the night, but the horses were lowered into the water for a swim. There is a crane on board the aircraft to facilitate this swimming, and other loading chores. It took as long to get their swim trunks onto them as lowering them into the water. They are stars, certainly. (One of them had brought "Speedos", but thought about it and decided to store potatoes in them instead.)
Another stop in Veracruz, Mexico, and on to Jamaica. Rather a long stay there, un-planned too. But we re- acquired the physician, Baron Samedi,MD. He had gone ahead of our flight on a commercial jet. He had to pick up a few supplies. We loaded an MRI machine into the aircraft. Good thing we had the crane. The Baron said we need it , just in case. He also had a trunk of Voodoo medicine, and his Voodoo-ology books, (a library of a few hundred volumes), and a stenographer in case he wanted to jot down the native black and white magic as practiced in the different countries.
At this time , the flight engineer noticed there might be an anomaly with some of the instruments, mainly the compass. Then on to Guyana, out over the ocean to Cape Verde islands in the Atlantic, Gibraltar, stay overnight, at the mouth of the Mediterranean, Palermo Italy, (stop to see friends , and have wonderful food) (and see Italian babes) Alexandria Egypt, then straight south, doing anything needed to avoid Israeli airspace, to Dubai, then rather a long flight to Sri Lanka, to visit the Pinnawela elephant orphanage. There, the horses planned to converse with the elephants to gain some authentic background history for their "Mr.Ed in India" TV show.
Elephants have a deep and detailed oral history. They are known to have good memories, and pass this history from one generation to the next.
From the time of the First War of Independence in India, also known as the "Indian Rebellion of 1857", by non-Indians, there have been seven generations of male elephants who could breed, and ten generations of females. Since the females were probably not crazy like their male partners, they were asked for the details of life as it was, one hundred fifty years ago.
I Yuri Nahl, historian, cultural anthropologist, fashion consultant, have already published extensive narrative of life during the time of the Raj. These following details were lost in the sands of time and only re-discovered by Momo, the Afghan hound, as he chatted with some of his dog relations in Afghanistan who had been jabbering with the Indian elephants, making jokes about the British.
This particular story was overheard and passed on by an elephant who was waiting for his driver (mahout) to become un-frozen. He had become paralyzed with laughter and could not have moved even if his testicles were lying on a railroad track, and a train was coming. Some house boys were regaling him with the tales of life in the mansion.
Now you may recall reading about the dowager who shattered the toilet bowl with a well placed lump of faeces, when her bowels finally moved. She saved herself from falling onto the floor by grasping the chain to the cistern, although she managed to pull the cistern off the wall in the process, knocking her maid silly and putting a big undeserved bump on her head, as the cistern swung from the wall, being pulled by the matron's hefty avoirdupois, and simultaneously held back by the lead pipe connecting the cistern to the toilet bowl proper. Several bottles of gin fell out of the cistern, but the maid was polite enough to pretend not to notice.
Blasting toilet bowls to pieces became common as the use of opiates caused constipation resulting in impacted stools hard as granite. A new branch of "geomancy" developed, using the shattered fragments of porcelain as the medium to be interpreted.
I should mention that there were mysterious occurrences where toilet bowls were shattered into thousands of pieces, the pubic hair of matrons singed off and no fat bottom was embedded into a toilet seat. This happened when the lady was puffing a bowl of opium, or smoking a cheroot, and broke wind while tapping the ash from her opium pipe or cheroot into the toilet. It was the resulting explosion of the gas which singed off the hair on the matron's private parts. The blast also lifted the matron up into the air a few inches, while simultaneously puffing her formidable ass cheeks apart and therefore avoided getting them jammed into the toilet seat itself. Naturally, nobody discussed such private things, and this would have been lost, if it were not for the heathen household servants discussing it within earshot of the elephants.
The elephant handler told the house boy's tale in which the following facts were the body of the story.
Opiate use was common in India. It was a sort of herbal ''stiff upper lip''. Now this opium use also had the effect of the constipated matriarchs spending extra time sitting on the toilet, and during that time, their fat, sweaty bottoms had a tendency to squirm down into a wedged configuration, relative to the toilet seat, itself.
It came to pass that gigantic assed old ladies were ripping whole toilets off the floor so often that the "bustle" was invented to camouflage this fixture attached to the woman, till a plumber and doctor were summoned. These professions not being represented in abundance in the scorching climate.
It was not considered polite to walk around with a whole toiled bowl jammed onto a lady's ass, especially at diplomatic functions where ambassadors were expected to attend. It made dancing a wee bit chancy also. A toilet bowl could get knocked loose and was rather hard to explain, as it skidded across the dance floor. If there were water in the toilet bowl, it would sometimes make a sloshing noise, and wake up old salty dog type codgers, having induced a nightmare of being back at sea, rounding the Horn.
Even the Sherlock Holmes stories were affected by the torn off toilet bowls phenomena. Since the women still had to perform their bodily functions, they sometimes sat down and inadvertently defecated on the carpet. (through the toilet bowl wedged onto their asses) Large dogs were purchased because they could be blamed for the heaps of excrement. Some people think the evil Alistair Crowley somehow got wind of these "excrement piles" and thought he'd use it as a novel way to get attention. This of course leading to his penchant for "passing stool" on the living room carpet when attending a party at the bishop's mansion. For example.
Conan Doyle wrote a story in which Holmes had to reason the source of manure piles appearing in the house of a duffer who had died after returning from India. This title "The Mystery of the Appearing Stools" was only published in a limited edition, as it was thought the reading public would be unable to bear with the book, and conclude the author had slid into insanity, crazed by cocaine. It was assumed the British public could never accept the possibility that a British lady would do such a thing. It was not even proved that British ladies even passed stool at all.
Now after this incident, the matriarch decided to try turning sideways on the toilet seat because she wanted to preclude getting her blubbery behind jammed into the toilet seat. The danger being of course, that if she were obliged to ascend from the toilet (in a hurry) the seat itself could be torn loose from its moorings and become a type of "Dada" ass jewelry, which in reality would only look good on an 18 year old girl. Or, even worse, the whole seat and toilet bowl assembly could rip loose from the floor, and she'd be forced to walk around with a whole plumbing fixture attached to her ass like a girl scout ready for every contingency, including taking a dump on the run.
It goes without saying, the affliction made horse riding impossible. Because of the climate, when the horses learned of this, subtle expressions of joy could be discerned on their faces. For now, their only duties would be having their semen harvested for face lotion, and not hauling around large weights in the blazing heat.
After shattering a toilet, a number of these ladies were put out of commission, laying on their backs, unable to right themselves, resembling turtles in long dresses until an NCO of engineers thought of using a chain fall with the hook attached to the toilet seat, (after the porcelain part was broken away) and hoisting away. The original intent was to yank the seat from her behind, but it was found that this lifting up would return the woman to her normal attitude toward the horizon, namely vertical. Although with the seat still jammed onto her bottom.
A danger nobody considered is the propensity an anus has to make flatulent discharges an octave higher if there is a toilet seat jammed onto it. (because of the similarity to the tightly pursed lips of a bugle player, as he wants the notes to be higher)
Even the toilet seat lid became part of the Raj legend, as when passing gas, the seat lid would tend to be blown away from the anal organ, (undulating back and forth) and create an effect similar to the "wah-wah" pedal made famous by Jimmy Hendrix a hundred years later. In the time being described however, the sound was identified as a "spirit manifestation" , A "crying in the night" as "sorrow for a sin, un-atoned for". Perhaps the yowling of a hyena yearning for his mate.
Now this "sitting sideways" on the toilet had an influence on something which could have never been anticipated in a thousand years.
This was because of the prevalence of the epidemic of "K.O.D.S." (keeling-over dowager syndrome).
This would happen when a clod of faeces would be fired from a bowel which finally moved. The toilet bowl would shatter, then the matron would keel over backwards. Since by sitting sideways, she had nothing to hang onto. (Her maid was still recovering from concussion.) Then when her back hit the floor, the impact would fire another stool from her anus, and since the toilet seat was jammed onto her, it focused her behind like the taper bore barrel of some artillery piece, and launched the faeces cannon-ball out the window, with enhanced rapidity.
Since the British had a love for parades and formal troop inspections while wearing a wool uniform in the blazing Indian climate, there were often officers with their swords held vertical at attention, the clod of flying dung got split into two parts by the sword of the front officer. Each of the two chunks flying to either side, knocking out the officers behind the first.
This event was duly noted in the diary of the regiment.
This was such an unusual event that it was incorporated in the heraldic coat of arms of this regiment, in that a (highly stylized) fat woman, lying on her back was portrayed firing a clod of (stylized) faeces, which was cut into two parts and shown knocking out two officers, struck down by the excrement shrapnel. All these elements were almost unrecognizable, unless the viewer was familiar with pageantry, and heraldic symbols.
This may seem un-important, but in the 20th century the coat of arms was observed by a weapons developer who liked to view historical aspects of his deadly trade. He was learned in the language of heraldry. Noting the splitting of the single lump of dung into two warheads, he derived the M.I.R.V. concept, or "multiple independently targetable reentry vehicle" for long range ballistic missiles, a new way to kill more of the enemy, and confuse the anti-missile defense of their opponent.
It was inferred the German "Paris Gun" of the WW I era was inspired by a tipping over dowager who had imbibed a few extra fizzy gin and tonics, with Schweppes tonic water, because of the quinine, (to bolster her against the malaria) and shot a stool twice the normal distance. This unusual spectacle was observed by a visiting German officer of artillery, and incorporated into his thesis for a doctorate. (not mentioning the material the projectile was made from). (or the construction of the barrel) . He concluded there was a possibility for a long range weapon, a railway gun, using increased amount of slower burning propellant. This was developed into the "Paris Gun". This same officer's interest in projectiles fired from ladies was probably the inspiration for the WW I era 420 cm mortar "Gamma". Although the literature does not mention excrement. (or ladies).
An idea the British had for eliminating some of the fly population was met with limited success. When troops noticed that a chicken leg thrown into the air would hit the ground as a bone, the fly problem was addressed.
Some local talent was recruited to sculpt a wounded soldier from stools. (packed into a dense pile.) The British kindly gave him a stick of incense to deodorize his studio. The sculpture was then dressed in a bloody uniform. He was loaded onto a cart and pulled out of town by a number of heathens. After reaching a suitable distance, a charge of explosives was detonated using a fuse. The government estimated 5 million flies were dispatched to fly hell. Most of the heathens survived the explosion, but their attire was blown off them so they were arrested for "indecent exposure" and fined an amount equal to what they were to be payed for this pulling the cart out of town.
Now when these "turd-cannon balls" were careening through the air, some observant chaps noticed a "comet tail" following them. Closer observation showed it to be "flies in pursuit of a decent meal." After this, anytime fireworks sky rockets were used by the Raj, a lump of fecal matter was smeared onto it (by a heathen) and it was hoped that this would lead to fly deaths since the comet tail would be in the blast of the rocket propellant and and singe their wings off. The flies would then fall to earth and be eaten by other insects.
These are the main facts which are not included in the curriculum used by students in their quest for knowledge. The horses asked the elephants if they could pass the information on to humans, even though many humans have less respect for animals. So with the permission of the elephants, I hereby publish this information for your enlightenment.
Professor Yuri Nahl.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Yuri Nahl. Soviet Poet, Historian, Spy.
Peace loving Red Army with T-34 tank in Berlin
My Spiritual Advisor
Baron Samedi
Hello my fellow Americanskis! am recently come from Russia, or as funny Americanskis say" Former Soviet Union" Hoho! You fellows make many funny joke...I laugh! I make joke! "Like in Russia we say "America...former country where indigenous natives ran free till genocidal white men came and laid to waste countryside" Ho ho I laugh. But I change my name from Yuri Anatoli so I fit in melting pot of equal opportunity. However I notice this newspaper part of Hearst company. Were complicit in marketing of "Remember the Maine concept" well nobody perfect I suppose. In Soviet Union we all admire revolutionary "Tania" rob Capitalist bank. Had nice beret. Crummy sub machine gun .H & K is much better. So police kill her friend name "Sink" , Was first name "Kitchen?" Ho ho I make many joke! Probably last five minutes till removed in Land of Free! Ho ho I can't stop.!
My Lawyer
Comrades, in my humble opinion this is symptom of population growing older. Creaky old fossils are afraid pieces of their bodies will fall off if they have vigorous sex. This was not problem in 1960s. Then we did what we wanted even in peace loving former Soviet Union. Then, behavior was subject only to desire. Was not in realm of "Reason". Please excuse my awkward English. Translator is on holiday. One more thing: Violet has large portfolio and list of accomplishments...I am certain she gets out more than average peasant.
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30th Gun Battery “Maxim Gorky” Defenses at Sebastopol. Destroyed by Fascists. (cross section) 305mm x 52 calibers= 62 feet long .Turrets weight: 1,360 tons. (two turrets per battery)
Comrades, please excuse! Forgot to say : Excrement story about dog ka-ka on sidewalk below! Very funny!
Comrades, this is example of excellent American "Deceleration of Independence" mayed in year 1776. You will please excuse my awkward English as personal assistant is on holiday.
Comrades,you will please excuse of my incorrect English grammar since personal assistant is out Christmas shopping. (As I see it, rendering of sacred religious celebration into vulture like Capitalist orgy of consumerism, but that is different story!) .
German Krupp 800mm Railway Gun
Used in Siege of Sebastopol against soldiers of peace loving Soviet Union
Length of barrel approximately 100feet.
Destroyed By Fascist Nazi Army 1941
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Found recently in (former) peace loving Soviet Union GRU (military intelligence ) archive, A Joseph Goebbels poem about the Fuhrer. This special privilege, was allowed by Prime Minister Vladimir Putin, only because one of my uncles had served with Comrade Putin's father at Battle of Nevsky Bridgehead in October 1941. Putin was marine and badly wounded in military disaster. So here is, (courtesyof peace loving Russian Federation) Goebbels poem regarding the Fuhrer....
“Ohmygod!”
Joseph Goebbels
(In this photo displaying great acumen in killing a fly on his pompadour)
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Fuhrer Poem by Goebbels
As a consequence of the Fuhrer's bladder sphincter always getting weaker,
The pond of urine in his riding boots was continually getting deeper.
The Fuhrer had a fountain installed, that would gurgle and splash and bubble,
To conceal the fact that he always sounded like,
He was walking through a fairly deep puddle…..
The Fuhrer had the cobbler put holes in his boots,
With which he could discretely pour,
The urine into some special funnel shaped holes,
Which the workmen had drilled through the floor…..
Those Nazis who were working in the basement knew
That, approximately every half-hour,
They’d have to spring open their umbrellas,
As protection from a golden shower......
Because the Fuhrer was very superstitious,
Often his astrologers would meet,
To attempt to understand the significance ,
Of the Fuhrer's damp and yellow feet.......
After drinking a pot of tea,
The Fuhrer would dribble a drop of pee,
And would then feel so ashamed,
He would scold his faithful Alsatian dog,
Poor Blondi would have to take the blame!.....
The End
The Fuhrer And Blondi
German Super Heavy Mortar used to bombard Sebastopol.
610mm caliber. Had to be lowered onto ground as recoil would break the track undercarriage.
A Camel
Comrades, luckily for the morality of the youths, the ability to superimpose platform shoes onto camels has saved the male youths from becoming aroused by viewing the camel toes on the camels.The superimposition of the black platform shoes gives the camels something akin to "hooves" which is visually less arousing than "camel toes" and is less disruptive in the classroom since there is less sniggering.
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Comrades, Mr. Richard Smegma, master cheese maker from east of the Carpathian mountains, known in the neighborhood as Old Dick Smegma.
Cheese
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Projectile from German 800mm railway gun. Used to destroy Fortress at Sebastopol. Naval rifles emplacement “Maxim Gorky” Barrels of these guns, 305mm x 52 calibers, = approx. 62 feet long. Removed from obsolete battleship. Installed into gun battery.
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A Nun
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Comrades, my friend used to get loaded on the sacramental wine so badly he'd be dropping the bible, that big one. But God got him back when God caused him to pile his car into a tree when he was loaded again. Then the one priest would flip out when you slammed the door of the confessional. The one nun would beat Richard Shremsers head against the cinderblock wall, mostly cuz he was fat I think. They shipped her off to nun pasture the next year. The Catholics in America (Chicago) were positively medieval compared to the ones in the old country. They actually believe.
……A Mind Enhancing Activity…The Life Drawing Class……….
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The Fuhrer Contemplating The Rising Urine Level In His Riding Boots
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Comrades, I suppose that people sometimes imbue in the characters their avatars represent, qualities that in themselves they feel are somewhat wanting. Upon thinking this I recall how reborn I felt as I read the posts on this reliable message board. How I could be as an actor and be able to sort of split myself into a few people or maybe only two. So that I could post funny posts and make up for all the time I lost banging my head against the rock pile to make ends meet, and become a swan whereas before I had only been an ugly duckling. So that "if I could communicate and with the baring of my soul, anything is gained" I wonder as one wonders to the tenth power why someone working for this newspaper would delete my post from last night about Mr. Ed, the talking horse who was accused of passing along messages from the Devil, if his monologues were played backwards (of all things!)
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The Fuhrer’s Doctor
Doctor Morel
Comrades, From Doctor Morel we acquired another poem about the Fuhrer's condition. ......
Dr. Morel's Fuhrer Poem
.With the Fuhrer's weakening bladder sphincter,
He really couldn't take a chance,
Of wearing a light colored summer uniform,
And getting a wet spot on the front of his pants.
The End
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News Nobody Wants To Hear
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Comrades, the Joseph Goebbels diary was recently examined and within was a poem attributed to Joseph Goebbels, (although some experts claim to recognize Magda's rhythm) ....
Magda And The Girls
Rest In Peace
Joseph Goebbels V-1 Bomb Poem
The rocket powered V-1 flying bomb
Was a diabolical, evil creation.
The Fuhrer had them fired them across the English Channel
To terrorize the British nation.
But when the rocket bombs occasionally missed London,
The Fuhrer would throw an undignified fit,
Banging on the Fuhrer map table,
Saying "That Werner Von Braun is a twit!"
The End
Flying Bomb “V-1”
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Reichsmarshal Herman Goering
Comrades, in the GRU (military intelligence) archives I mentioned earlier today, it was found that Joseph Goebbels (the propaganda minister), in order to emulate the Fuhrer, wrote some poetic observations regarding Herman Goering which are the following:…
Herman Goering by Goebbels
"Herman Goering was such an overweight swine,
The Fuhrer had a hunch- that
Goering kept a lot of food in his jodhpurs,
In case he needed a snack before lunch.
The Fuhrer suspected quite rightly,
That every time he was gone,
Goering would gobble down a loaf and some cold cuts,
And a magnum of Don Perignon."
The End
(This poem was also found in the Fuhrers' retreat in the Bavarian mountains, "Der Adlerscheisehoff" loosely translated, "The Eagles Lair".)
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The Fuhrer And Blondi Having A Quiet Moment Together
At The Country Cottage
The Fuhrer At “Der Adlerscheisehoff” His Cottage Where He Could Relax And Have A Few Friends Over
Comrades, in lieu of "Knee breeches," they say the Fuhrer would have worn his customary "jodhpurs".
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Comrades, I apologize for not posting anything but I was in Moscow at GRU archives for the opening of some documents taken from the Fuhrer's mountain retreat in Bavaria (Der Adlerscheisehoff) which contained a draft of Mein Kampf in the Fuhrers' own handwriting. (very unusual since Rudolph Hess would normally type as the Fuhrer dictated.) This document had never been shown to the public or even to professional historians such as myself before. A cursory glance shows a warning he gave to the whole world...."If you have a square monocle, you might poke yourself in the eye." So this seemed to be before the Fuhrer developed such hatred for everyone.
Grain Elevator In Stalingrsd
Site Of Ferocious Battle With Fascists
Grain elevator as photographed is shot up by artillery and tanks.
Below is a story which seems to have been translated by software into English.
It describes the Battle for the Grain Elevator.
The Soviet Navy had Marine Infantry, and they arrive to help the soldiers who are defending it against the Nazis.
I should mention that a recurrent theme expressed by survivors of the Siege of Stalingrad is: They have no understanding of how they survived. The odds against survival were so great, that it was beyond their understanding.
Former commander of marine platoon lieutenant Andrey Khozyanov (from 92-baltic sea naval brigade) wrote in his memours book:
[I]"......Guardsmen were very glad to our arrival, merry combat jokes and remarks immediately fell. In the arrived platoon there were 18 people with a good armament. We have two machine-tool and one light machine gun, two anti-tank guns, three automata and radio station.
the 18th at dawn from the southern side elevator appeared fascist tank with the flag of truce. "what's happened?" - we thought from the tank seemed two: one Fascist officer, another - translator. The officer through the translator began to persuade us so that we would be returned "valiant" German army, since defense was useless and us no longer one should here sit.
"you will free faster elevator, told us officer. - in the case of the failure of mercy not it will be. In the hour let us begin to bomb and will crush you ". "What's impudent persons!" - we thought and they here gave the short answer to the Fascist Lieutenant:
"transmit on the radio to all fascists so that they would roll on the light launch... to the bogovoy(god's) mother... But truce bearers can leave conversely, but only on foot ".
Fascist tank attempted was to go back, but by the volley of two our anti-tank guns it was stopped. Soon from south and from west ofsides into the attack on the elevator send tanks and infantry ofenemy with the number approximately of times in ten is stronger us. After the first repelled attack began the second, after it - the third, and above the elevator of flyed "frame" - reconnaissance aircraft. It adjusted fire and reported the situation in our region.
Only 18 September were repelled nine attacks. We greatly took care ammunition, since to bring them was difficult and far. In the elevator the wheat burnt, in the machine guns the water evaporated, injured requested to drink, but there was water closely not. So we were repulsed three days - day and night. Heat, smoke, thirst, in all cracked lip. In the daytime many of us took away to the upper points of elevator and they from there conducted fire according to the fascists, and on the night they got down they downward and occupied all around defense. However, our radio station during the first day of battle malfunctioned. We were deprived of connection with our parts.
But here it began on 20 September. At noon from the southern and western sides of elevator approached twelve enemy tanks. Anti-tank guns were already without the ammunition, grenades it also remained not one. Tanks approached the elevator from two sides and began into the support to almost shoot our garrison. However, no one trembled. From the machine guns and the automata we beat on the infantry, without giving to it to break inside the elevator.
But here by projectile tore "Maxim" together with the machine gunner, and in other section by splinter it opened the jacket of the second "Maxim" and bent stem. One light machine gun remained. From the explosion into the pieces the concrete flew away, wheat burnt. In the dust and to smoke we did not see each other, but they encouraged by the cries: "hurray! Polundra!" (note by me Polundra - is the famouse war-cry of naval infantry )
Soon Fascist sub-machine gunners appeared because of the tanks. Them there were about hundred fifty - two hundred. They dispatch very carefully in the attack, throwing in front of themselves grenades. We succeeded herself in catching garnets in flight and flinging them conversely. With each approximation of fascists to walls of elevator we on the persuasion shouted everything: "hurray! Forward! For The native land!(for Matherland)"
In the western side of elevator for fascists it nevertheless was possible to penetrate inside the building, but the sections, occupied with them, were here blocked by our fire.
Battle flared up inside the building. We felt and heard steps and respiration of enemy soldiers, but we could not see because of the smoke of them. They were beaten to the rumor. In the evening ammunition were calculated with the short respite. Them it proved to be a little: cartridges to the light machine gun - one-and-a-half disk, to each automaton - on 20-25 and to the rifle - on of 8-10 pieces. To be defended with this quantity of ammunition it was impossible. We were surrounded.
They decided to break through in the southern section, into Beketovki region, since the tanks of enemy plied from the east and the northern side of elevator.
On the night of 21 September under the cover of one light machine gun we moved into the way. The first time the matter went successfully, fascists did not here us expect. Passing beam and railroad bed, we stumbled on the mortar battery of enemy, which recently under the cover of the darkness began to be established on the position. I remember, we overturned on the move three mortars and trolleys with the mines. Fascists scattered, after leaving on the spot seven killed mortarmen, after throwing up not only weapon, but also bread and water. But we succumbed from the thirst. "to drink! To drink!" - only it was on the mind. In the darkness be sawn to satiety. They then had a snack by the bread seized in Germans and moved further.
But, alas, further fate of my comrades I do not know, since itself arrived into the memory only on 25 or 26 September in the dark damp basement, accurately doused by some petroleum residue. Without the field shirt, right foot without the boot. Arms and legs completely did not obey, in the head it made noise...
Andrey Khozyanov was taken prisoner by germans but survived.
prisoner by germans but survived.
Red Army Flag
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Christ
Comrades, Pilate claims this "fake" Christ would go around as sort of a snake oil salesman performing miracles which were just conjuring tricks. He would have a donkey and use it to prove that by waving a wand he could enlarge its' manly parts.
Comrades, it turned out that the fake "Son of God" had paid a cobbler to make an imitation "Donkeys' private parts" out of animal skin. Then after his assistant was in place, the artificial "Savior" would signal him to inflate the imitation "donkeys' private parts " with air using bellows like the kind used to start a fire. The assistant had rigged up a hunk of animal intestines from the bellows to the artificial "private parts" and this was like a hose to deliver the air to inflate it. The spurious "Christ" would claim that this was a miracle. He also claimed that if the fellows in the congregation rubbed his special oil on their own private parts, this could also happen to them, if they had faith. Naturally the miracle took a couple of days applications to work. The fake "Savior" was out of town by then. Pilate was a contemporary of these people and times, but the same historical facts were also found on a scroll believed to have been deleted from the Gospels in the second century.
A Young Donkey
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Comrades, Pilate also claims that there was at least one spurious or duplicate imitation Christ during the real Christ's time on earth. (which he wasn't responsible for ending, he claims)
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Pontius Pilate
Celebrated Roman Fellow
Comrades, I have to pass this on from a celebrated Roman fellow since his computer got turtle soup slobbered all over it and as a result it went bionic. So it's the most popular example of religion giving credibility to the state. "Render unto Caesar that which is Caesars', Render unto God ,that which is Gods'." So Pilate claims that this is the state giving cred to religion , and religion giving cred to the state. So give your tax money to Caesar, give your tithe money to the church.So the power structure hand in hand is encouraging "Faith". And faith is giving up your own judgment and relying on some other bounder to take responsibility for your life. The state and high religion both say one thing and do the other. Faith helps disguise the double vision of this. Giving control to others is an important concept. Give control to the church, give control to government. Is this too obvious? Should I tell Pilate to shut up? Pilate thinks this stuff is good.
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Comrades, Jesus had a special sandal to chuck at the moneylenders at the Temple. It was curved in a certain manner so it would return to him like a boomerang . This convinced the devout that the Holy Spirit was indeed on the Savior's sandals.
A Donkey
Comrades, the "Gospel about the Donkey with a Straw Hat on ,with Holes Cut in it so His Ears Poked Through" was deleted in the second century. It was only discovered after the Dead Sea Scrolls were decoded.
A Palanquin
Comrades, when the Apostolic Delegate came from Rome to check out my Catholic school and see why so many buttons and pop bottle caps were in the collection plate, he arrived in a Rolls Royce. I was only a kid but I thought "What happened to using a donkey as a conveyance?" Or at least a palanquin with a coupe of monks carrying it. Or a short monk at one end and a tall one at the other end in case the palanquin was going up or down hill and the Apostolic Delegate wanted to remain on an even keel.
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Comrades, gay parents could be better parents. Since gays have to have the talent to get over on the flatearthers and ignorant clods with no experience , this talent may rub off on the kids who will develop social and success skills from it. Gays are generally better off financially so this could equate to better schooling. Gays have to go through a greater ordeal to adopt kids so this may indicate an actual desire to have kids rather than someone that accidentally gets knocked up and ends up as a poor single parent with no money. Loving parents are probably a greater influence than a mom and a dad. My dad was a lunatic so that has rubbed off on me and it took quite a lot of effort from me to overcome the passing on of his neurotic behavior from him to me to my kids. Older parents are less insane due to not struggling for a crust of bread. That's where grandparents come in. A lot of the resentment against gay parents comes from the lowest common denominator who get their information from Rus Limbo or some authority figure or entity such as religion or politics like Little Joey Goebbels rather than using their own judgment. Having never learned to use their own judgment. That is why there is so much diversity in San Francisco, because it's a city where diversity has been celebrated. The influx of people from all over the world and their great diversity of different traditions, and also their larger experience which would allow them to prioritize rather than have right off the farm clodhopper attitudes.
Comrades, as citizen of peace loving former Soviet Union, I have come to the following conclusion:In order to just protect yourself and get over on people that you've fought , Sometimes you have to mis-represent yourself and pretend you're someone that you're not. So if you're English and want to get along with Scotts, just tell 'em your name is "Jock".
Comrades, you must have some special Mocha Java (with cream). The Fuhrer kept a thermos of coffee in his jodhpurs along with some blood sausage and some funky bread to make a nutritious lunch. Of course that was before Geli Raubal done herself in and the Fuhrer quit eating meat.
Comrades, the city of Chicago has a larger gay population than San Francisco. The mayor (Daly) a hip politician embraces the gay community because it is a large block of voters. Maybe he likes gay people too. In any case the City of Chicago has been known as "the City of Big Shoulders" for a long time. During the 1930s and 1940s Berlin was known as "The city of Big
Comrades, this is evidence of the "devolution of the average American Yokel". Next they will be teaching that that earth has returned to being flat, bring back burning witches, as portrayed by a consensus of the lowest common denominator. The apostles of the vulgar swine Rush Limbog.
Comrades, Ron Regan invented "I can't recall" during the Iran -Contra hearings. (in the early 1980s) Except in his case it seemed real. Lots of people have a toasted memory like me. Luckily we have the Internet, an electronic memory available to anyone that gives enough of a hoot to click their mouse a few times. This is why the liars posts don't mean squat because you don't have to go to the library to look it up. Just click your mouse.
Pile Driving Crane
Comrades, my cousin Sonia Nahlinskia was afflicted with piles. She went to the proctologist and he informed her that she must refrain from all this "pile driving". She told him that it was her civic duty as a comrade to keep pile driving since she was a crane operator and they were erecting a statue to honor "Uncle Joe" Stalin. The doctor told her that he would correct her malady, but from now on she had to have a good heater in her crane and a soft cushion to protect her from the pounding of the hammer so she would not be depleting the medical resources of the peace loving former Soviet Union. (Since their health care was free.
Comrades, the biggest corporate welfare boom was caused by the previous administration by bringing us "Iraq War II" (the destruction of credibility of the US.) Having a war with no bid contracts for Halliburton. Destroying the Iraq sewage and water systems so that US companies could make fortunes rebuilding them. Setting up a structure so that the US could project power into the Middle East . Etc. If you don't already know this stuff , you probably still believe that the US is on a "Humanitarian Intervention"!
Comrade Bon, Naturally I meant no disrespect for my gay brothers and sisters by saying a broad generalization about gay people as you probably already know! I had good fashions when I was young too. Perhaps it is the realm of the young. The movie "Crowley" has some fun fashion examples for old geezers like me though. But then too , that's the academic crowd. (I keep telling this youngish {36 or so} fellow I know to get some leather elbow patches for his corduroy jacket and take up smoking a pipe) cuz he's a college teacher. Crowley in the movie had some fun behaviors too, but that's another story. See the movie, it's good.
Comrades, a really must see Vampire film is "The Good Shepherd", the Robert DeNiro movie about James Jesus Angleton. (The Good Shepherd is revisited throughout the four Gospels in references to Jesus not letting himself lose any of his sheep.){the previous was a new one on me} but the theme is one of bloodsuckers using "The Red Menace" as a justification to sink a ton of dough into the "Military Industrial Complex" (which President Eisenhower, formerly General Eisenhower) warned us about. This could have been extended to include the "War on Terror" as the new perfect boondoggle to shovel money into instead of healthcare for the average Joe. Although people who don't think "The Good Shepherd" is Communist propaganda could probably come to that conclusion themselves. When I was a Communist spy, we had free healthcare in the peace loving former Soviet Union. When I came to "The Land of the Free" I noticed people generally worked too hard, but then they needed to to pay their own medical !
German 800mm Krupp siege cannon. Barrel elevated to fire at peace-loving Soviet gun-battery, “Maxim Gorky” at Sebastopol, Ukraine.
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Comrades, I also liked "Bram Stoker's Dracula" but I thought it would be a new religion for me and I was a bit disappointed too. Although on the whole I did like it. Anthony Hopkins was cool. I liked that Kate Beckinsale flick about the vampires, she's to die for. Then the flick "Van Helsing" I liked . That flick took me a few times to dig. The ultimate horror flicks for me were the first 2 "Hellraiser " movies. They had the classic " when in the face of insurmountable odds go for it anyway "theme. The other ones were only an imitation of themselves. But I also think kids should be vampires walking on the streets cuz if you can remember the 1980s when there were some really fun fashions like Mohawk hairdos and slutwear for girls and a generally outrageous theme, that changed into the boring fashions of the next eras. Maybe only gay people had fun duds. I'm not sure. I could be wrong. I don't get out much.
Comrades, when I lived in peace loving former CCCP, I didn't have to pay for health care. Then I came to "land of the free" and found out "it isn't free"!
Comrades, remember the "Lumberjack Song" on Monty Python? Also for your reading pleasure there are books which say that Pope J.P. I was bumped off, because he wasn't a money grubbing vulture. There is also "In God's Name" which is a hilarious romp through the foibles of the Vatican Bank Scandal. Many laughs are contained within! Mafia monks, all that good stuff.
Pope Benny
Comrades, Pope Benny caused consternation by rescinding "excommunication" bestowed on "Holocaust Denying Bishop" . This news found in "Old Europe" newspaper.
Comrades, the scroll was also able to have the prescience of the time of the alchemist, conjurers, magicians, the practitioners of black and white magic. This was partly because the grip of great nations and their propaganda had not come to cloud the minds of men. The scroll told of the time when turbidity reigned. Then the clearing. This was caused by the solidification of the sandy particles in the water. The model for the Empires was the Roman Empire. This rose and fell. The scroll told of the time when "Earth will think" Also of the time when "machines will fly and kill for those who have been infected by acquisitiveness and a lust for power." This concept was laughed at. Even till the new millennium. Now it has been understood that when the earth can think, the scrolls referred to the sandy earth. The silicone. The integrated circuit. The flying death machines are in use in Pakistan. In that way, nerds can kill from the office without getting dirt on their fashion jeans.
Comrades, I have to go walk Momo as his foot has healed sufficiently.
Mary Magdeline
Comrade im, that is exactly correct and was in fact the topic of Dr John Allegro's PhD thesis. The tomb of Mary Magdeline was dated to the First Century using the special sandals appropriate for non-Romans of that time which had the inscription in Latin and an"X" on the front..."place nail here, hit with hammer" This was part of a ploy to make the Romans the "masters" and everyone else the "slaves"
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Comrades, the Bible should be interpreted especially if the copy you have is written in a foreign language, or it will seem like a bunch of gibberish.
Comrades, the Bible should only be read while wearing those glasses we had in the 1960s. They had a lot of facets cut on them so you would see about ten of whatever you were looking at.
Comrades, on the "copper scroll", historians translated ancient text which foretold of Mary Magdeline and Jesus. However, Mary Magdeline was described as a pedicurist, and in fact a tomb was discovered in Jerusalem with indications that here was the actual burial place of Mary Magdeline. In a box, intricately decorated, was a collection of toenails which were assumed to be those of the Saviour. This was inferred from the curing effect of the toe nails,when used as a glue on nail. For if the toe had a corn or bunion, it was instantly cured! (otherwise why collect mangy toenails, unless it was an example of magic). With which Mary Magdeline was attempting to put some gri-gri on the Romans.
Mary Magdeline
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Comrades, in the beginning, my Big Joey Stalin, the "man of steel" went to seminary, but not much rubbed off on him. You see to him it was just a way to meet chicks. Hi clem. Hi everybody.
Comrades, my auntie also found a poem by Doctor Morel who tried to emulate the Fuhrer in certain ways because he was like the obsequious Uriah Heap but kept this poem secret because it showed the Fuhrer in a rather dim light...So for your edification this is "Doctor Morel Secret Poem Regarding the Fuhrer".…….
Doctor Morel Fuhrer Poem
As the Fuhrer got older and more decrepit,
And his bladder sphincter became weaker
He started tucking his jodhpurs into his riding boots
In which the depth of the urine just got deeper
The End
Comrades, my beloved auntie, Doctor Ivana Nahlinskia, was brought to Doctor Theodor Morel’s residence, (he was the Fuhrer's private physician) to view the doctor's private diaries before they were taken to GRU (military intelligence ) archive. In peace loving Soviet Union. In the diary was found "Lost Fuhrer Poem (regarding medical issues)". I will publish it here for the first time for your reading pleasure………
Fuhrer Poem Regarding Medical Issues
When I became the Fuhrer ,
To lead the Fascist nation,
I had to give up these barbiturates,
Because they gave me constipation.
The End
Comrades, don't believe anything thet Baris says. He is deserter from Tsar's army.
Too bad there is oil there.Ever see "Syriana"? What does what the Bible says have to do with flogging a 2009 Saudi woman? Any more than a 2000 year old shopping list would have to do with getting your groceries today.
Comrades, even better is to take dog land mines and stick them in hand puppets. When the person removes their hand , it has a lasting effect.
Front Foot
Momo Foot
Hi Comrade mtn. sorry I was gobbling boiled eggs. Momo got all his stitches out and his foot looks kind of weird with only 3 toes! But he was hobbling along trying to chase a squirrel. He had a splint on supporting his foot so he has to get used to being bare footed now.
Baby Elephant
CIA Elephant Connection
Then because of the activity in and around Greece, the CIA has leaked files that said..."After WW II zoo management noticed elephants getting sex reassignment operations. It was discovered that the elephant keepers were selling the wieners to gyro joints to use on the rotating gyro meat cooker. Due to a shortage of gyros. Most domesticated gyros had been rounded up and hauled off to Germany as the Germans retreated to the Fatherland and the Allies flowed into the area.
Captain Ahab
Comrades.....Ahab..."I would smite God himself if he insulted me..." something like that. Then Orson Welles, as the pastor. The power of the spoken word. His sermon was almost as good as the Fuhrer. It helped if you were dosed.
Comrades, how about that scene in the Omen when the bad priest is in the front yard of the church and lightning strikes the flagpole on the church and it falls then impales him to the ground! I almost died laughing . You could see it coming a mile away.
Comrades, people in general would feel sleazier if they wore high heel platform shoes with the front made into a cloven hoof.
Sexy High Heel Boots
(As Worn By Members Of The SS Female Auxiliary)
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Comrades, I always also thought religion would be more popular if there was a movie where it started with Christ and the 2 thieves hanging from the crosses. Then music would start and they'd climb down from the crosses in a stylized Fred Astaire manner and do a spectacular jazz dance while an orchestra played. It would be a lavish production similar to and similar in content to the "Smooth Criminal" vid by Michael Jackson. On You Tube. Then when they were done dancing, they would climb back onto their crosses snapping their fingers and the Roman guards would shake themselves awake, thinking they had been in a dream.
Comrades, "We know he has busloads of fat guys eating French fried shrimp and cauliflower which will park up wind from American troops and break wind, convincing the invaders it is a gas attack."
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Comrades, should you have a time machine, Try to make sure that you don't start your journey back in time while you're going number two.
Comrade bear , thanks. Hey clem thanks too for that thing. I sent it to my pals. Hey leedee long time no see. If the cross had been mounted on roller skates, the Lord could have got around more by hitting the street and blessing the people.
View comment on: Judge refuses to toss suit challenging Prop. 8 at 10/16/2009 8:53 PM PDT
Comrade ak, don't be jealous of the fudgepackers. You could be one too. Just put in an on line job application at the Ghirardelli Chocolate Factory down by Fisherman's Wharf, in San Francisco. I have heard that they are always looking for fudgepackers there especially during the holiday season. You never know, you might fit right in. Good luck.
Comrades, it was well known to the the ascetics who mortified the flesh and stayed in the wilderness that in times when there was less interaction between the righteous among us, (like the normal people on this board) that the evil spirit, Beelzebub would come forth disguised as a Holy Man to confuse the devout and spoil the glorious life and earth that God in his infinite generosity has provided us sinners. Therefore, I say unto right doers, do not be swayed by the Devils who would tempt you to a life of nay saying, cheap thrills and acquisitiveness. Be steadfast in the path which enables you to love your fellow men and women with their various incarnations and predilections.
Gospels Found Near Qumran Wadi
Hi Comrade lion. I'm sure you will be interested in this. In the 12th cave around Qumran Wadi, there were gospels found which were later deleted from the cannon of the Christian church. Near the Holy City of Jerusalem, was Beit Gorvin, a Roman Amphitheater. It was said to have been built in the Second Century, but archeological digs have found that it was built on the ruins of a previous arena which the contemporary historian Josephus Flatus alludes to. This is called the Roman Period. In any case, the gospel tells the parable of Mary Madeline's visit to the arena. "The Lord had said to Mary, 'Mary wilst Thou go to the "Jesus' Own Loaves and Fishes Snack Bar" and pick up those goats eyeballs and take them down to the amphitheater. We have to get rid of them before they go bad, anyway they make me think someone is always staring at me. If you sing 'I Only Have Eyes for You' perhaps they will sell better'" Whereupon Mary did manage to sell the goat's eyeballs. This was the Word.
John Le Carre British “Old Chap” Type Fellow And Spy
Comrade porky, my favorite KGB book is by the double agent John Le Carre, who is hiding under cover of broad daylight posing as an author of excellent spy novels such as the trilogy, "Smiley's People" .This is a veritable "how to" on the secret agent's trade work and is known to be read by spies in many lands. The "Smiley's People" novels have been made into movies available at your favorite video emporium. Also for the true fan of the achievements of the peace loving (former) Soviet Union, there are many books on the Great Patriotic War in which the Red Army scythed through 250 divisions of Fascist dogs in what was the most important achievement to end the "Second World War." One book I keep re-reading is "Absolute War" by Chris Bellamy ,(professor of military science) although anecdotes of ordinary people like us compel one to learn more, since this saga is beyond understanding as part or whole. It is more like a vast tapestry of everything mankind is capable of. So it's fun.
Comrade gab, that rings a bell. You're Canadian, right? You gave me some advice about my computer but that was before I had to change identities. Being a Communist spy, one is forced to do that occasionally. I still retain my credentials as a historian however as you can see from my post.
Comrades, found on a wall of a temple in Herculaneum..."Romans, the earth can't be round! The whole world looks to the earth as being flat!" Thus spake the Romans before God in his wisdom exploded Vesuvius to shut the heathens up. Amen.
Comrades, let us pray. "Oh God, Thou art my God. We beseech Thee to intercede with Satan and tell him to not allow the Fuhrer out of Hell, because we don't need another Right Wing nutcase criticizing the correct Left Wing policies. We also don't need to see a Charlie Chaplin type fellow goose stepping around while wearing stupid jodhpurs with not a single horse or pony person is sight. Amen"
Comrades, to continue, "The flogger will flog the Messiah, Savior or Prophet type for one half hour with a cat o' nine tails, and take fifteen minutes to crown the same with a crown of thorns.(If so desired). The crucified will be nailed to the cross which he supplied. After death, precipitated with a stabbing with a reasonable facsimile of the "Spear of Destiny", the dead will be buried in a tomb pre-paid by the crucified. End of Proclamation" This tablet was carboned to the First Century and is consistent in style with official Roman proclamations of policy. It now resides in the British Museum. Allegro was lionized after this monumental find, only to be scorned after publication of his book "The Mushroom and the Cross".
Comrades, for his doctorate thesis Dr John Allegro (the only secular scholar translating the Dead Sea Scrolls), found separate from the scrolls, a tablet from the First Century. Inscribed in Latin and Hebrew, this tablet was a Roman proclamation brought about mostly because of the exponential growth in Messiah, Savior,and Prophet types of suicidals after the crucifixion of Jesus of Nazareth. Here is "Roman Proclamation Regarding Crucifixions" "Due to the increasing number of crucifixions, the budget for executions is becoming larger every year. Whereas, the Roman Empire allows freedom of religion, the Empire does not feel compelled to take responsibility for every crucifixion where the person being crucified is doing it as a "lifestyle choice" Therefore, no crucifixion, unless it is the result of a crime, will be paid for by the Roman Empire. Any Mesiah, Saviour or Prophet types will have to supply their own cross, three nails, a loincloth, and one hour of overtime to a flogger"
Comrades, on my way to the headshrinker, I had an epiphany. God was in my car all of a sudden. He pulled out a spliff. He took a big draw on it and handed it to me. I said "I can't take any street drugs because they may say I'm mental because I take drugs that have not been prescribed by a doctor." God thought about this for a while and said "I'm trying to think if the cave men had rehab, and if they did, who got the cash?"
Comrades, I must now go to my headshrinker to make sure I'm OK. Luckily for me , he's from India so he's not the usual boring type of headshrinker who hasn't been off the farm. How many people here would like to find their Catholic school teachers on the street with nobody else around? Enquiring minds want to know.Amen.
Comrade mtn cat, we were out pasting up some posters announcing the revolution is imminent. We also pasted up a few Che posters that we got at a discount. Even this Communism has bills to pay. I could guarantee this conversation would not be taking place in countries where they like sex.
comrades, the anthropologist John Allegro after studying the "Copper Scroll" came to the conclusion that the Savior prayed to His Heavenly Father thusly..."Oh Heavenly Father, I pray that Thou should not have me come back to the mortal world for my Second Coming in the 1950s. Holy Father , this would subject your Son to the indignity of hanging around with beatniks, playing bongo drums, wearing aviator sunglasses, snapping my fingers instead of applauding and wearing a beret while hanging from a cross should I chose to do so. I should have to listen to hep cats like Jack Kerouac and Allen Ginsburg be-bopping and wearing black sweaters all the time therefore ruining my dramatic entrance while wearing my robe. Because you only get one chance of making a dramatic entrance, the fall of the curtain, the limelight and all that. Amen. This was all truly written on the "Copper Scroll".
Comrades, people who doth not haveth children are helping the world overcome the overpopulation and footprint of this overpopulation that is causing large parts of oceans to be devoid of oxygen, species to be disappearing, vultures (which are the canaries of civilization, just as canaries are the canaries of coal mines) disappearing warning that the environment is becoming too toxic. Not to mention the carbon . There are millions starving because of over population. Having children is not actually required to be a human being. The way the world is now, I would think twice before having kids. Therefore, gay people not popping out children is a plus, in my humble opinion.
Comrades, Let us pray again..."And the Savior did say unto the Apostles 'Yo I say to thee, if thou weareth a shortish loin cloth on a hot day to keep thy private parts from overheating, remembereth to install some stones on the hem, so if some squall or puff of Satanic wind bloweth up, thy manly tools shan't be exposed to the multitudes" Amen.
View comment on: Judge refuses to toss suit challenging Prop. 8 at 10/15/2009 12:17 PM PDT
Comrades, let us pray....The Lord did sayeth to Mary Magdeline, "Mary wilst thou goesth to the market and bringeth back a goat slaughtered in the traditional manner, a few dates, an onion, and some goat milk?" This was the Lord's shopping list. Then the Lord drank of the wine blessed in the traditional manner, and went to the temple and cast out the money lenders and sellers of trinkets. Angering the money lenders and usurers, who went to their Roman masters and crossing the Romans hands with silver did implore these Romans to kill the Lord so they could continue their un-holy activities. They were sick of the Lord smiteing them. The Romans crucified the Lord and he ascended into Heaven. On the Third Day he was resurrected, and saw that the moneylenders were back in the temple charging even greater interest rates and foreclosing on hovels. The Lord said "I shall return in 2 millennia, and smite the Wall Street scoundrels and vampires of money who prey on the people."
View comment on: Ready to eat your face and scream / Zombies and vampires and evil viruses, and nary a divine awakening in sight at 10/14/2009 4:04 PM PDT
Comrades, so what's this "Erotic Ball" that's coming? I have read that the Prince of Wales had great balls, but my memory could be wrong.
Comrades, being on the cusp is OK, just don't be on the cuspidor. If you step on one you will get tobacco juice all over the floor and if your dog licks it up he might catch a nicotine buzz. It can be used as soup stock though in a miner's camp. Tobacco juice soup. Once when I chewed tobacco, I was clamming the juice into a Coke bottle. Someone I knew came along and took a draw on it , thinking it was Diet Coke! It was hilarious!
Comrades, let us pray. Oh integrated circuit ,I have faith in Thee. Pickpocket I haveth faith that thou wilst snag my wallet if I be-eth stupid enough to stick it in my back pocket. Oh, hunk of brown stuff in the toilet bowl, I have faith that thou will return and make my housekeeping skills look shoddy when I'm trying to look swell. Amen.
Comrades, there is nothing like the smell of the air before a brown out. I have to go to the Laundromat to recover the fragrance that existed before Momo's accident,
The Fuhrer in a typical pose.
Comrades, my grandfather Igor Nahlski always would talk about a "Lost Fuhrer Poem" which probably got stolen from the archives by a NKVD commissar. This is called "Un-numbered Fuhrer Poem (dated 1936 and in Fuhrer's own handwriting)" This has surfaced and is to be auctioned at Christies sometime in November pending authentication. ....
Fuhrer Poem
If I hadn't become the Fuhrer,
But had remained a suave young man,
I'd have thrown these unfashionable jodhpurs,
Into the nearest garbage can.
The End
Comrades, these Fascist dogs use toilet seats to frame their family portraits.
Comrades, I often send my posts to my headshrinker. Luckily for me he is a voodoo headshrinker. Also luckily he is not an Amazon river headshrinker, or I could be hanging from a stand in a tourist shop in South America.
Comrades, sometimes if you roll your eyes, your eyelashes get hooked into your eyebrows like Velcro. Especially if you have eyebrows like that old kung fu geezer in "Kill Bill”
Comrades , that avatar looks like a stylized Swastika with the Fuhrer sieg heiling on it.
Comrade clem, some cultural anthropologists thing that is how the "loli pop" concept was thought of. I had a funny story about sitting on top of the little mountain in Corona Heights Park and looking down on the city, in particular the Castro Theatre and Market st and the whole city , with lights on and looking swell. All of a sudden I had to pinch off a loaf , so I did, on top of that mountain and it was liberating. I used to walk Zak there when I lived in my van by that school.
Comrade. That is ferret. I had stoat. Capitalist dog swore it was male ferret. He would sneak into my bed and try to amputate my toes . Sometimes private parts. He got cancer. I think it was because he stole a dildo and chewed it up. Like most of business end was all eaten away. So this may have led to his demise.
Comrade, articles of speech such as "the" "a" etc are hard for us spies and Slavic Europeans in general. However it is a ploy lots of times to distract listeners from the substantive part of a conversation while the listener is saying in his head "Darn foreigners!" instead of listening. Anyway personal assistant took the day off because Momo finally went potty after a week of not going and accidentally got a couple of specks on the carpet. Like about half a kilo of specks.
Comrade, when I was a young lad in former Soviet Union, I studied hard so as to get into spy college. At this time we watched "Rocky the Flying Squirrel" show so as to get the feel of the American milieu. Also "American Bandstand" for latest funky dance steps such as "mashed potato" "twist" "locomotion" "gorilla", and especially steps of James Brown, genius of popular culture and self created niche in tapestry of Americana. Also required to watch "Playboy After Dark" ,original show where "Heff" smoked pipe and hung out with hep cats like Lenny Bruce or Sammy Davis Junior. This was all so that us spies could be successful bon vivants and hang with all the right people who had access to industrial secrets and hot sex stories.
“Heff” A Hep Cat
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Comrade disturbed, you know me from a previous incarnation! I have a picture of you on my blog . I may have mentioned this to you before but as an old bastard I am loosing my memory so I'm not sure.
Comrades, is funny, many neo-Fascist dogs make a joke on board which this is. (Please you will excuse awkward sentences for my personal assistant is no in office). I laugh. Pretend to be "liberal" neo-Fascist! I laugh. Torrez is correct. In Soviet Union, we observe President Regan try to depopulate gays from world by ignoring AIDS. This was over when many priests acquire same affliction, plus poor alter boys. In Soviet Union we do not have "Bill O Frights" only GUlag, where many fine fellows can be residing. Or bullet in back of cervical vertebrae. In United States, you have "Defacation of Independence" this is better. As for me, as ex-Soviet spy, I derive or infer Republican politicians are sex fiends. They tap shoes in airport (we all do, who could pass up fun while waiting for flight) but same Larry Craig purport to be straight arrow! Is contradiction please. Then hound of sex senator from Arizona porks staff member and bribes same to chivy out of sticky wicket like stoat or badger. Then fine Comrade on this message board pointed out Republican child molester in high office political. Seems like big insurance companies and war mongers allow sex fiends to stay in office so they can be manipulated into following party line! This is like old style Soviet blackmail with honey trap. How clever! Only developed country with no socialized medicine too! Rest of world rolls eyes. I roll my eyes so much , eyelashes are imbedded in my head and I can't shut my eyes. Kid in my pharmacy at Consulate of Russian Federation said " How can AIDS victims in America afford medication? It costs $50,000 a month!" In Soviet Union, and all of Europe, in Great Patriotic War, known as WW II to rest of world, many fine fellows and babes died. To survive, one must have creative mind. Must be resourceful. Able to adjust to circumstances. Energetic, Lucky too. This could be construed as "Modern Day Natural Selection" Since great land America had no war on country, could be capital of blockheads of world.(since civilians(like my beloved mother) were gainfully employed in war work) Results were: People who can be manipulated with certain buzzing words like "abortion, God fearing, gays, guns, freedom, burning flag, government control, have Confederate Battle Flag on garage door. "In Soviet Union, we call this "Consensus of Halfwits" unless of course there is some money in it for them, then they are "Fascist dogs". Blaming gays, blacks, browns , atheists , women's lib, Commies (like Me) for their failures. Harvey Milk Day is opportunity to take smallish step in right direction. I applaud this. Any incremental advance is good. A groundswell for civil rights, and rights of alternative sex people particularly.
View comment on: Gay-rights activists rally in S.F., Washington at 10/12/2009 4:33 PM PDT
Thanks Comrade clem. It was all over my bedroom! My ma was happy cuz she had empathy for his plugged up condition. It must have been like Krakatau going off . She was laughing about it. Now I have to clean it . Cotton picker!
Comrades, Momo finally went pee and poo. (all over my bedroom,the filthy swine!)
Momo About Six Years Before He Went Pee And Poo All Over My Room
Comrades, voodoo is the language of the Political Realm. No country without a massive standing army can get rid of its nukes. The Fuhrer's "Blitzkrieg " method of war worked fine in small countries. (Poland , France Belgium, etc. ) then came the U.S.S.R. Now fast forward to now. Try going up against China, or the present day Russia with their gigantic populations! I am not a soldier and never was. I am not a historian or student of war, but this seems to be a giant neon sign Ray Charles, or Stevie Wonder could read easily. That's why I think nobody should hold their breath for "no nukes" Google "global research" for another version of what's really happening.
View comment on: Gasps as Obama awarded Nobel Peace Prize at 10/10/2009 10:16 AM PDT
Comrades, since time of Revolution to free workers ( who were starving and freezing) from grip of Tzar,(who was gobbling much food staying warm and allowing Tzarist troops to be massacred) Communist Soviets and Chinese Communists have sought Peace and Harmony with all peoples of world , even diabolical Capitalists, who were only interested in access to "Markets" and did not give a hoot about ideology anyway! Luckily, Capitalists had Heroic Soviet Red Army to destroy 250 divisions of Fascist troops and their allies on Eastern Front in Great Patriotic War . This was most important occurrence in ending Fascist dominance of Europe. As a result, 27 million Russians and Comrades of other Soviet countries sacrificed their lives to achieve this goal for World Peace. Modern Fascist dogs should keep these facts in mind before over sporting themselves into an untenable situation.
Flag Of Peace And Freedom Loving Revolution
Red Army
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Comrades, Here in Moscow in Peace Loving Russian Motherland we all pray and thank Holy Mother of God that psychotic warmongers in Republican Party were not elected to follow in steps of megalomaniac George W. Bush. Many peace loving American Comrades do not know that Bush family fortune was started in WW I manufacturing armaments for allies in war. They had foundry in Ohio.
Comrades, this just in. Dick Chaney said in an interview in Casper Wyoming Tribune: "I was so disappointed when they turned down my nomination of George W. Bush for the Nobel Peace Prize because he had the mercy to pardon Scooter Libby for outing CIA operative Valery Plame thus exposing her clandestine contacts and risking their lives in a cheesy political stunt, I had another heart attack and developed a boil on my buttocks."
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View comment on: Gasps as Obama awarded Nobel Peace Prize at 10/9/2009 8:09 PM PDT
Comrades, this just in: Reuters reports ex-president George W. Bush is planning to build deluxe condominiums suitable for members of his previous administration and any dictators, murderers, Nazi or Fascist dogs left over from Great Patriotic War. Delux castle style condos (for security) with blast proof walls, will be built on site of Guantanamo Naval Base in Cuba. (also for security) . Lease to be payed by Halliburton in return for silence regarding "no-bid contracts in Iraq
Comrade, I saw Jethro Tull playing at Kinetic Playground in Chicago about the time "Aqualung" album. Somehow, music put a spell on me and my life was similar to Aqualung character. (like sleeping in van in Manhattan with other skinny guy like me , with one fat chick between us to keep us warm as ice formed on ceiling of van. She was nice anyway. Going into restaurants and getting cup of fine Mocha Java (with cream) and gobbling down leftovers from other customers. But this fit in with my false persona since I was actually spy for Soviet GRU, and in any case, it was just the late 1960s. That's just how things were. Comrades in Manhattan would paste posters on walls and have free revolting soup for their pains. Posters of Comrade Ernesto "Che" Guevara, subject of accurate depiction in prize winning movie "Motorcycle Diaries" (you will cry if you see this) and victim of Bolivian Army and CIA. And as final irony, coasters with Che's likeness on them for sale on Internet!
View comment on: Behold! Canada's most disgusting export / Nothing like Alberta's's revolting oilsands to destroy your optimism at 10/8/2009 9:42 AM PDT
Field Marshal Bernard Law Montgomery, 1st Viscount Montgomery of Alamein, KG, GCB, DSO, PC ….Weird English geezer, but well mannered.
Comrades here is Fuhrer Poem Regarding Desert (number two)....
Fuhrer Desert Poem Number Two
In the desert sun when the sirocco blows,
My camel wears a balaclava ,
To protect his nose....
In the desert night ,
When the cold wind blows ,
My camel has woolen socks,
On his camel toes.
The End
Camel
These poems were written when Hitler was obsessed about the North African Desert, where he lost many Fascist soldiers to a skinny old chap type fellow with weird hat , Monty. A peculiar, but well mannered sod.
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![yuri[1]](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjhdD6-SZ625qFEqS23T6OVWl8vV-AWE6B_g5kRSbzAA71YYlrfH79UnlHfK4B4bljI9LPr9tD8xKCQv-FqImXg_fDkpsccocYs6GcrPraEaSzVPDPFGMYWzeAAMqy8JqQ1aYeQxXH6J8E/s1600-h/yuri%5B1%5D%5B2%5D.jpg "yuri[1]")
“Motherland” memorial. Located on Mamayev Kurgan, a hill in Stalingrad. Memorial to Red Army soldiers who fell in cataclysmic struggle against Fascist Nazis.
Comrades, Upon liberating Berlin from Fascists, much care was devoted to discovering personal archives of high rank Fascist soldiers so that superiority of Soviet Red Army could be gauged against previously strongest military force in World. Was interested in documents relating to successful Fascist "Rommel" in North Africa, opponent of "old chap" type fellow, "Monty" semi-puny (but well mannered) sort of sod. Found in Rommel "communications with Fuhrer" (apparently Hitler was obsessed with desert and wrote following corn-ball poetry.) ...... Fuhrer Poem Regarding Desert (number one)
Fuhrer Desert Poem Number One
I have a camel,
Her name is Mary,
If she had one hump,
She'd be a dromedary.
The End
Comrades, this anthropology was continued for years. Soviet Union (in order to promote peace and freedom) tried to discover how insane Fascist dog Adolph Hitler managed to sway peace loving Germans into following his march to destruction. Filmmaker Leni Riefenstahl, a "chick", as the Americans call the female Comrades, had many reels of films, showing Fuhrer in light designed to convince Germans that Hitler was swell guy, not lunatic. For example, depicted is the Fuhrer wearing lederhosen and an Alpine hat, taking yodeling lessons with fat swine Herman Goering. Some poor elephant must have died in order to make Goering's leather shorts. The fool was also carrying his diamond encrusted field Marshall baton and this ruined whole ensemble. So this duo of impudent fellows was shown cavorting through heather and moss on Bavarian Alps, slapping each other in that weird German folk dance way. most likely planning invasion of Sacred Motherland Russia. (Which of course let to inevitable complete destruction of Fascist armed forces.)
Momo in the snow in Gilberts.
Comrades, sodomy is a type of sausage. It is usually spiced and can be made from squirrel meat. Possum, even skunk. One time I rescued a family of skunks who were dying of hypothermia in a hole dug on our job. I chucked them babies into my lunch bag and wrapped the mom in my jacket. So I zoomed to the vet with the heat turned up full blast and got sent home to fend on my own. I tookum and rinsed the mud off um. That revived um. The I had a chicken wire ring with a kid pool over it to trap them inside. Then after July 4th, I raised the garage door and the mom and a few babies bolted. I was unhappy cuz I liked the skunks. Then I looked around the garage just in case. I kept hearing this "pat, pat pat" So I could see one of the skunks was patting the floor which is a warning that you are going to get doused with a volcano of the smelly stuff. The girl was OK. The boy was too butch. The little bastard bit me. The girl liked a tummy rub. They bolted too . They were under the bushes looking. (at me)
Comrades, is funny how American people hate stars when they have sex. Is curiosity. Call stars "scum" "creep" . Maybe it is true what my Iranian friend said...."Persia....'cradle of civilization' America....cradle of right off the farmism'" Star of movies, Dennis Hopper, said he had left farm in Kansas to get in movies. Brother stayed on farm...name was Claud Hopper.
View comment on: Italian group claims to debunk Shroud of Turin at 10/6/2009 4:17 PM PDT
Comrade clem, that sounds like the perfect world. By the bye, did you see excellent film about Crowley? It has many fun and memorable moments which cannot be described here out of fear of getting the boot. I bought a copy for myself and one for my brother since he is like me. Movie has clever title "Crowley" . Apparently he spent some time in San Francisco and probably started the city on the slippery slope to the place we all love so well. One time I was a monk myself, at Halloween. I had special crucifix. It was mounted on nail so it could spin around and was covered with fake fur like ZZ Top guitar. That was even a Russian spy like me could seem to be American. To see Momo photos, take a gander at my blog.
Comrades, this just in:....There is a movement afoot to stop the use of duplicate "Shrouds of Turin" to make Halloween costumes. Not that many people want replicas of Christ circumambulating their neighborhoods on moonlit nights. This has a tendency to make Grandma more devout (having seen the Savior resurrected) and subjecting the family to a tirade of Biblical admonitions. Momo is back from the vet and is intoxicated.
Comrades, the facsimile Shroud, the "Shroud of Turin" had burns on it. That is , the diamond shaped patches on it which can be clearly seen. This was due to the nuns using the Shroud as a tablecloth since the Bishop was coming over. The nuns over served the Bishop with the (unblessed) wine and he keeled over into his bowl of mashed potatoes and knocking over the candles which are what actually did the burning. Martin Luther was attending this soiree, and this was before he nailed his Ninety Five Feces to the door of the church, but this incident was suspected to have started him down that road.
Comrades, of course this is not the "real" Shroud! This is only a facsimile of the real Shroud made long ago with the only technology they had then! The real one is in the Vatican Archives and therefore is known as the Shroud of the Vatican. That's why it doesn't carbon back to the First Century. Last time it was shown to the public, someone took a photo of it and brought out a line of cigarette papers with the image of the Shroud on them. The manufacturer was trying to get heathens to turn away from Satan and the cult of the cloven hoof,(goat and swine worship) He wanted them to at least turn to the camels as a way of weaning themselves from the cloven hoof. This is because from a distance, a camels foot is similar in appearance to a goat's hoof , but up close, it's soft.
Comrades,.... Agent Coolyon: Do you believe in him, Verbal? Verbal: Keaton always said, 'I don't believe in God, but I'm afraid of him'....Well, I believe in God, and the only thing that scares me is Keyser Soze...
Comrades, Dr. John Allegro speculated that the Christian religion was based on the scoffing of the Amanita Muscaria, a type of mushroom. He proposed that the "cross" was a metaphor for this mushroom. He also said that the "turn the other cheek" type behavior of the early Christians was just a way to fool the Romans while the Christians hid under cover of broad daylight. For example, the "fish " symbol, which meant "this way to Jesus' Own Loaves and Fishes Snack Bar and Sandal Emporium".
Comrades, VERY few people know this, but there was actually a "Shroud of Jesus' Dog" who died right after the Savior , of grief. This is from the side however. Not on his back. This "Shroud of Jesus' Dog " is also in the Vatican Archive. The dog's name was "Judas" which some of the cognoscenti think is partly why the human Judas turned Christ in to the Romans.
Comrades, everyone knew that this was not the real "Shroud of the Lord" because all the toes were the same size. We knew that whoever printed this "Shroud of Turin was a forger for that reason. The real Burial Shroud of the Lord was the Shroud of Palermo. This is stored in the Vatican Archive and this is commonly known to most Church historians.
Comrades, I accidently erased my avatar. I was putting some Momo photos on my yuri nahl blog. Sissi did you attend Allegro in Britain? Wasson ran what became Citibank. His wife was Russian and got him interested in the mushrooms. My father said that in Poland when he was a kid, they would chop up the "Fly Agaric" chuck it in some milk, and the flies would come and scoff it and croak! (what a waste) You see lots of European knick knacks with like Santa Claus , red duds, white trim, and other metaphors for the fungus. But before I forget, I had a weird dream. The singer "Fifty Cent" was modeling these Hitler derived fashions. I swear to God. He had a stylized Hitler pompadour, with blond Hitler falling down front of hair! I'm not kidding. I think it was because Snoop Dog was in this film on TV as an airline pilot and he croaked! Then the airliner landed in Central Park and had those funky wheels!
Comrade, that's funny. How about G.Gordon Wasson?! I found Allegro trying to find out "What's with these Dead Sea Scrolls?" I was trying to be scholarly! Then it's this geezer scoffing the red headed white scab fungus! Many laughs were coming subsequently! There was also the admonition to not urinate within line of sight of herd of reindeer in Wasson's book! For fear of being trampled be deer seeking salt! Many funny facts about life in Russia before alcohol!
Comrades, when I was historian and worked in Holy Land, many crafts peoples were gathered to discuss how original "Shroud of Turin" was made. After much scrutiny of Dead Sea Scrolls, and utilizing digital photograph of Scroll fragments, then having special software to decrypt meaning of Scrolls, was in fact discovered that after the Crucifixion of Christ, Apostles were short of cash. No more miracles, only income form "Jesus' Loaves and Fishes snack bar and sandals emporium" Apostles decided to check out rumors of undertakers re-using burial shrouds. It was found that when undertakers rolled body from shroud into land fill, this left print of body as it rolled down the cloth. This proved to be good money generating ploy for Apostles , who never said "Is shroud of Christ" only allowed believers to come to own conclusions. These important facts were not included in many translations of Scrolls for obvious reason. Dr. John Allegro was exception.
View comment on: Judge to Prop. 8 backers: Turn over your papers at 10/5/2009 7:33 PM PDT
Momo Toe News
Comrades here is the Momo toe news. He had a toe amputated, also a lymph node behind that knee. This is for clues about cancer. The doctor will call me on Monday with the biopsy results. He has something on a lung too, so time will have to tell the story. I will have him back on Tuesday and he is supposed to be mobile. I was slow realizing what was going on with him. He is an old duffer and I thought his favoring the other leg was like sore joints. I'll post more Momo photos soon on my yuri blog which at the moment is mostly about Stalingrad.
View comment on: Judge to Prop. 8 backers: Turn over your papers at 10/5/2009 7:01 PM PDT
Comrade sissi. Not that lucky, some jabernowl keeps giving me a "Thumbs Down"!
Comrades, it has come to my attention that forgeries have been appearing on eBay. You should keep an eye peeled for "Shroud of Turin" kitchen curtains which are made in China. The genuine "Shroud of Turin" kitchen curtains have "Made in Turin, Italy" written discreetly on them, not "Made in China".
Comrades, let us pray. God ,Thou art my God. We beg You,...intercede for us with the hardened of heart, with those whose souls are blackened with hate and cannot see the light. For those whose life is smudged like my underwear. Especially after a night at that Greek joint and all that garlic sauce smeared all over everything. Change for us Lord, the hate filled people who indeed hate themselves first and then their hideous lives which they have created, even claiming to be doing God's work! Drive them away from the ways of Satan, with the cloven hooved goat and swine. Drive them toward the camel, because the camel does not have a cloven hoof, it is a soft foot and only looks cloven from a distance. Let these people commit mass suicide by following the teachings of Rev. Jim Jones, once a partner in Jack Kevorkian Inc, "Where Death is Better than Your Life". Dr Jack Kevorkian is a leading proponent in the "Kill Grandma Now" movement. He is hoping to secure a position on a death panel.
Comrades, in days when Stalin forbade religion, we had to worship on the sly. Many houses used toothpicks to make crucifix and have flies hanging from cross to represent Savior and two thieves. A craftsman with a piece of fly paper had a commodity and could make many Rubles.
Comrade sissi, are you back? Regale us with a tale of life in the land where East and West embrace.
Comrade mtn cat, salutations! I admit that when I was younger, I also would attend Catholic Church to gawk at the girls and their bulges and nylons. I had to stick my hand into a vat of molten lead to keep me from abusing myself!
Comrade clem, Pliny said "Anyone aspiring to high office could certainly learn a lot by gobbling down a bucket of clams while reciting one of Plato's epic poems (in Greek, not Latin).
Comrades, today at my Orthodoxy Church the priest's sermon was entitled "The Gospel regarding the greasing of the chariot wheels (and axles) with pig lard, leading to the desecration of the holy neighborhoods where the chariot was driven, leading to the "lamentation of the women"(as instructed by the Holy Men and Elders) and the placing of sticks into the ears of the men and hitting the sticks with the hammers (because the men could not bear the lamentation of the women) and the subsequent murdering of the Holy Men and Elders by the men for suggesting the lamentation to the women." After the sermon, we had some small sausages with olives staked to them with toothpicks.
Comrade clem, that is what separates the real orators from the amateurs. In fact , the Romans would not allow politicians to become Senators if they could not perform this feat.
Comrades, after the crucifixion of Christ, the Apostles started sewing pieces of iron into their sandals to fool the Romans. They also started to sew hunks of iron into gloves which they claimed they wore because they had leprosy and their hands were unsightly.When the Romans could not drive nails through the hunks of iron, they became converted to Christianity and this sped up the Fall of the Roman Empire.
Comrades, no matter what anyone says, the Chinese are Communists, and seem to be doing OK! In fact, last time I heard, they are lending the US the dough for the stupid wars the military industrial complex wants America in so it can line its pockets! Once the US is drained of resources, by dopey wasteful wars, the Chinese may say "Where's our money?" That would be funny.
Comrades, this fellow I know at the French embassy here says that if they mess with Roman Polanski , any Bush administration thug arriving on French soil will be served with papers from the war crimes tribunal and thrown in stir. I swear to God!
Comrades, one of the priests at our church used to flip out when you slammed the door of the confessional. Then he would go smoke a Chesterfield King.
Comrades, backers of prop. 8 are descendants of the villagers who chased the monster through the town and tried unsuccessfully to burn him to death in the ruined castle.
Comrades, Jesus had a special sandal to chuck at the moneylenders at the Temple. It was curved in a certain manner so it would return to him like a boomerang . This convinced the devout that the Holy Spirit was indeed on the Savior's sandals.
Comrades, the "Gospel about the Donkey with a Straw Hat on ,with Holes Cut in it so His Ears Poked Through" was deleted in the second century. This information came to light only after the Dead Sea Scrolls were decoded.
Comrades, when the Apostolic Delegate came from Rome to check out my Catholic school and see why so many buttons and pop bottle caps were in the collection plate, he arrived in a Rolls Royce. I was only a kid but I thought "What happened to using a donkey as a conveyance?" Or at least a palanquin with a coupe of monks carrying it. Or a short monk at one end and a tall one at the other end in case the palanquin was going up or down hill and the Apostolic Delegate wanted to remain on an even keel.
Comrades, another gospel removed from the New Testament (but found in the Dead Sea Scrolls) was the gospel "Thou shalt not flog thine own mule" although some scholars think this may have been a joke foisted on those who came later by Israelites, {but followers of Jesus} just for the Hell of it.
View comment on: Iran plans new centrifuges for 2nd enrichment site at 10/4/2009 8:01 AM PDT
Comrades, Mahmood Ahmadinejad also known as "Badmood Ahmadinejad" is really Ringo's son. He may start acting more civilized if he can get a band together.
Comrade, I forgot to mention, that gospel also contained "Care and Grooming of Your Favorite Donkey". I apologize.
View comment on: Judge to Prop. 8 backers: Turn over your papers at 10/4/2009 7:34 AM PDT
Comrade friedfish, bestiality may be mentioned in the New Testament in the Dead Sea Scrolls. The tract may have been removed as a "Blighted Gospel" in the second century. This is because contained therein was the "Gospel About the 'Light Wiener Rub' " which the nuns felt awkward talking about.
Comrades, this sexual harassment was also a crime that the Fuhrer committed. Especially with Eva Braun . As he became more insane as time passed his poetry reflected this. This poem found in the archives of the (German) Army High Command, OKH, shows this opinion. (Fuhrer Poem addressed to Armed Forces)
Fuhrer Poem 1943
After I became the Fuhrer,
I sailed on the river Rhine,
To proclaim to those near and far,
I am the Greatest Strategist of All Time!
The End
View comment on: Music review: Kylie Minogue struts. Sings, too. at 10/2/2009 11:39 AM PDT
Comrades, she is such a babe. Even Comrade Putin loves her.
View comment on: The oldest known prehuman revealed at 10/2/2009 5:49 AM PDT
Comrade, don't be badmouthin' dem apes.
Comrades, Comrade Stalin used to say "Common sense leads to the conclusion that the Earth is flat."
Comrades, the problem with theories of evolution is they don't include the force of "luck". For example, If you go to your local grocery store you will see "Bad Luck Eggs" in the cooler. The brand was developed in the 1930s about the same time cross country air travel was starting. The farmer who was also just starting his chicken farm noticed that some of his chickens would be lying on their sides with what appeared to be a hunk of excrement stuck to their heads. After a lengthy perusal of the problem, the farmer realized that his farm was below the path the early airliners flew and when people went to the toilet, it was more or less a hole in the fuselage with a toilet seat on it. So when people went poo in the toilet, stools would careen down onto his chickens and knock them out. Upon realizing these indisputable facts, he thought he'd call the farm the only appropriate name left in the universe. The “Bad Luck Egg Farm”
Comrades, this person (Palin) is like a modern day Lucy From Hell. Her book would have been improved had she included the following Fuhrer poem, one of the "Lost Fuhrer Poems" which my grandfather Nikolai Nahlinski found after rummaging through the Fuhrerbunker in Berlin when city was liberated by Red Army from Fascists during Great Patriotic War . (Known as World War Two by everyone else). In any case, here is one "Lost Fuhrer Poem".
Lost Fuhrer Poem 1939
After I became the Fuhrer,
To Lead the German masses,
I realized my jodhpurs,
Would retain my flatulent gasses….
Upon my gaining this knowledge,
I had to give up smoking,
Because by dropping a burning ember,
I might possibly cause an explosion.
The End
...When these poems were shown to Stalin, he went into a drunken depression, because he was jealous of the Fuhrer's role as a "Renaissance Man" that is , both a painter and poet.
The Fuhrer Adolph Hitler
(Before He Went Mental)
View comment on: Palin's book already a best-seller before release at 9/29/2009 3:19 PM PDT
Comrade, I thought you may have achieved that fine complexion when you admonished someone to "sit on a happy face" which they did and subsequently broke wind with a robust thunderg
Comrades, I thought it said "Going Brogue" and referred to her new hoofware.
Comrades, this poor fellow who was probably killed by the villagers hunting for the monster, reminds me of Christ who was also killed by the villagers hunting for a reasonable return on their investment. But this is really a segue into seeing Jesus' sandals on eBay. These sandals have been verified by carbon dating back to the first century and were probably the property of a Jew . This is inferred by the letter "X" and the Latin inscription "place nail here, hit with hammer" on the front, which was the only type of sandal the Romans allowed non-Romans to buy. (as a way of letting the masses know who was in charge)
Comrades, I have doubled my contribution to a "Devil Worship Society" . That way people can have more fun living a life of sin and depravity, since they will probably be divested of guilt, and can enjoy their only life unrepentedly. Fear of pleasure is a strong non-emotion. It sometimes inspires sanctimonious squares to try to control what everyone else does. I will take the chance of burning in Hell if I am wrong , but considering the Christian fairy tale I'm really not too worried. I would rather believe in the integrated circuit than some geezer that lives in the sky and does all that Godly stuff.
View comment on: Obama pleads for harder work on climate change at 9/24/2009 6:40 PM PDT
Comrades, now we must travel forward in time to when Fuhrer was trying to become Chancellor of Germania. (Probably in early 1930s. because of reference to Gruppenfuhrer Ernst Rohm) So for your edification, Fuhrer Poem Number Seven...
Fuhrer Poem Number Seven
I had to wear a "Sun-monocle",
Though I didn't like it much.
Goebbels said i should wear it,
Because it really made me look butch.
The End
Ernst Rohm
(deceased)
Killed by Hitler in Night of the Long Knives
Comrades, the Fuhrer was apparently concerned about having to use a "Sun-monocle" . This is a continuation of previous Fuhrer Poem Number Seven , but to make reference easier in case someone compiles all of Fuhrer's poetry here is Fuhrer Poem Number Eight....
Fuhrer Poem Number Eight
The problem with the "Sun-monocle "was:
One side of my face would be squinting!
Then when I looked over at that swine Ernst Rohm,
The deviate thought I was winking!
The End
Comrades, this is last Fuhrer Poem I have found in my grandfather's memorabilia. So it shows Hitler's concern with his appearance. To demonstrate that thesis, here is Fuhrer Poem Number Nine...
Fuhrer Poem Number Nine
“ In the evening I'd take out the "Sun-monocle"
And I thought that I looked a disgrace!
One side of my face had a raccoon eye,
The other: wrinkles all over the place! “
The End
Momo Story
Comrade peng, I am good, but Momo has a pad infection. His claw is pointing up in the air but he's on anti-biotics and walks in the park almost daily. I met a chick who was a goddess. She had a three year old girl named Grace who liked Momo. Then I was driving by that park on the way home and saw a beautiful bronze colored Afghan. I couldn't believe it because this dog was a therapy dog! It was a beauty! The owner took it to the assisted care place for the patients fun.
Comrades, when my grandfather , Ivan Nahlinski was in Berlin with Red Army liberating city from Fascists, in Fuhrerbunker were Mrs. Hitler (the woman formerly known as Eva Braun) had her personal effects. Found in her souvenirs of the love stricken Fuhrer were poems from the days he was a student, such as: Fuhrer Poem Number Four....
Fuhrer Poem Number Four
I started going to college,
Studying drawing , painting and the arts,
And though I didn't tell anyone ,
I liked the model's private parts.
The End
Please excuse my crude attempts at writing English. My personal assistant has day off. So I will show Fuhrer Poem Number Five for your enjoyment. ....(from time Fuhrer was attending art school)....
Fuhrer Poem Number Five
I became an artist's model,
I was hoping chicks would dig me,
But I had to resign my commission,
They had an aversion to my wearing a fig leaf.
The End
Comrades, Fuhrer was so short of money he reconsidered his decision....Fuhrer Poem Number Six....
Fuhrer Poem Number Six
They offered me a very small fig leaf,
I said "Well let me look at it!"
"Something that small might conceal a sardine,
But it certainly wouldn't cover my haddock.
The End
Torture Is
If your dog humps your guests leg and they aren't wearing trousers or shoes, that is torture. If your dog humps your guests leg while they are wearing trousers and shoes, that isn't torture, said Mr You, law school teacher at Berkely.
View comment on: Limbaugh warns of white Jim Crow at 9/22/2009 3:13 PM PDT
When Rush goes swimming at the ocean side, the water level in harbor towns goes up noticeably. Also people check into lunatic asylums and claim they are hallucinating Moby Dick, the great white whale in Herman Melville's novel. In the movie, the captain was tied to Moby Dick. He appeared to be giving the whale a light rub. Or maybe caressing it in a whale love sort of way.
Go To Ireland
Comrades, it is a commonly known fact that Republicans have séances to ask Joe Goebbels for ideas to fool the normal people. I actually in real life went to my union pharmacy and got my pills. The kid at the counter said $100 for my pills on the outside whereas, I paid $10. He said HIV drugs are $50k a month. I advised him to go to another country. He said "I'm going back to Ireland." Then he told me about their retirement and medical plans. I was astounded. So youngsters, keep Ireland in mind.
Blessed Donkey
Comrades, on October 2,1187, after having laid siege to the city, the great military leader and conqueror of much of the middle east, Saladin, took possession of the Holy City of Jerusalem. As a fair and much respected (even by his enemies) ruler, his chivalry and benevolence were renowned by people of many lands, both near and far. He was know also as a builder of civil engineering works. During the excavation for the foundation of a government building, his workers discovered the remains of a donkey. This was purported to be Christ's own donkey because it was so imbued with otherworldliness from being in contact with the Savior, it was still braying! The Holy Men of various religions were contacted, and in one of the Gospels deleted from the cannon of the Christian Church, there was a parable about a donkey which was ascending into Heaven, while braying and defecating on the Apostles who had beaten him after Christ's death. When he was about to be entered into the Gates of Heaven, he was still defecating, so the Guardian of the Pearly Gates turned him away and had him buried in Jerusalem. (Although in an "undead state" ) He would be resurrected upon the "Second Coming", and Christ would ride him into Heaven. ( So long as he was not still defecating) Therefore Saladin's workers reinterred the donkey in an honorable manner and erected an admonition on a marble tombstone to not dig him up again. A reference to this incident is in the Vatican Archives and is an open source, although not often accessed.
Comrades, Heckle and Jekyll were crows. Also, Fuhrer poem number three....
Fuhrer Poem Number Three
After the Beer Hall Putsch,
Things went from bad to worse,
I had to wear these stupid jodhpurs,
Even though I'd never ridden a horse.
The End
Depleted Uranium
Comrades, the poor soldiers of the US Army will be examples of people who have been exposed to nuclear waste. The depleted uranium rounds which destroyed Iraqi armor also splattered the area with radioactive dust. This causes reproductive problems, genetic disorders, cancers. Some of the learned Comrades who post on this reliable message board can elaborate on this train of thought. The Iraqi population is already suffering from these diseases. They have so many instances of disease, that it can be observed statistically. War as a means of projecting "policy" is specifically banned by sanction dating from before all of us were born. After the Chernobyl disaster in Ukraine, one could see radioactive stools floating down the river glowing in the dark. People thought that they were reflections of the stars till they realized it was a cloudy night. People were afraid to use public outhouses at the picnic grounds incase these stools reached critical mass and had a one kiloton explosion.
Excremental Presidential Sculpture
Comrades, the presidential library of George W. Bush is trying to raise funds for a statue to honor the ex-president. The material for the statue is being discussed at the present time. Just as Rodin selected bronze for "The Thinker" , and the geezer that designed the "Statue of Liberty" was made of copper, and the "Motherland" war memorial was made of concrete, popular opinion has decided the material for the George W. Bush statue should be stools. So if you have stools that have the consistency of modeling clay, please send them to the appropriate authority. This can probably be found at the George W. Bush library, but he wont, because the literature on George W. Bush points out ... he could not, or would not, or... just flat out refused to read! This is part of the reason this country is draining its resources in Iraq. Searching for the WMDs that the head liar in the thugocracy said were in Iraq. In contradiction to all the professional nuclear specialists opinion.
View comment on: Attack on Obama riles Beck's advertisers at 8/24/2009 5:43 PM PDT
Join me, or die.
View comment on: Judge sets January trial for Prop. 8 lawsuit at 8/21/2009 9:05 PM PDT
Comrades, the nuns would go insane, and use bibles to make paper airplanes. Sometimes they made little origame bishops and stuck pins in them then set fire to them.
Cave Drawings
In Lascaux, France, drawings by cavemen (or women) of everyday lie shows a practice still known in modern time: namely, if you intend to urinate around a corner, you need a flexible penis. These works are at least 15,000 years old!
View comment on: Obama giving health care critics upper hand at 8/15/2009 12:04 PM PDT
sol, I have to expand my horizons . After spying for the Soviets, being a double agent for the CIA, moonlighting for the French...I still can't make ends meet! I will explain how I became a mercenary private spy after the Soviet Union folded up. They got rid of about three tons of antennas from the roof of their Consulate on Green St, and I was taking the junk to the scrapyard when I realized I could get any type of radio signal broadcast anywhere in the world. That's when I became a tripple naught spy. Better than a double naught even. I will elaborate later. ooo xxxx
Fascists kill old codgers, not Commies like me. Remember the Adolph Hitler reign over Germany? I will give tips of the Martha Stewart type on Monday. Regarding cut flowers.
View comment on: Marijuana, gateway drug to Jesus / Does pot lead to total enlightenment? Rehab? Scientology? Let's find out! at 8/13/2009 3:36 PM PDT
Comrades, if this utilization of the energy found in human waste was developed into a science, you could do a line of excrement to get a burst of energy.
Comrade I have had a streak of complete sanity which is so boring. I feel almost totally normal and it is quite bothersome.
If flatulence became reversed, and you belched out a big gag of flatulence,from your mouth that is, you could thank your lucky stars if you were not taking a big draw on a cancer stick at the same time as there could be a danger of an explosion.
Comrades, If there was a way to utilize the energy contained in flatulence, we could save a lot of money on food. There may be an increased danger of bad breath however.
Comrade mtn, because of the new freedoms we are blessed with in this country us Communists have to associate ourselves with some other "new scare " which people are using to peddle their wares just to get into the media! An article on the "Red Menace " was worth millions in free advertising! Those were the days in the "Cold War" The "war on terror " is small potatoes compared to those days.
Comrades, now we have to time travel back to the 1990s. The Bin Ladin siblings telling of "... he was a maniac! He had read of Oscar Wilde, and now his favorite saying was 'The only way to overcome temptation is to yield to it!' (ha ha ha !) and ' anything worth doing is worth overdoing' (ha ha !) Then , we would be at the Follies Bergère, with our spiffy duds on, and he'd show up with some mangy blanket that looked like it was from a Goodwill Box and sandals so dilapidated Jesus could have thrown them away! He was the party guy nonpareil! He liked sweets so much, he'd always have this powdered sugar all over his mustache"
Comrades, to continue if I may, the "Bin Ladin Group" (a famous construction and engineering 'empire', also in telecommunications, oil and real estate) which had made billions in mostly the Arabian Peninsula, and were friends with the Bush family, separated themselves from Osama after the 9-11 Tragedy. Some of his siblings said " He was gone, man! Our servants would call him down to have a family meal with us , and he'd say 'I'm listening to Mr. Ed played backwards and when I superimpose the Beatles over it , I can hear Paul and it makes complete sense' (!) We would be rolling our eyes saying 'That sucka was a bad apple from the word go!' " Bush's desire was to be "the Man Who Evangelized the Middle East". His plan was to have hundreds of helicopters and pickup trucks with giant loudspeakers mounted on them playing recordings of Jimmy Swaggert repeating the phrase "Out Demon!" Till vice president Dick Chainy pointed out that this was unrealistic.
Comrades, as not an aside, but as a substantive part of my thesis, ... Vice president Dick Chainey then had a brainstorm. He decided that a Christian "theme park" as seen in Bill Maher's "Religious" movie. In this movie, the devout watch Jesus being crucified every day at this park. Because of this conceived project, the rumors and conspiracy started to surface to the scrutiny of the normal people in the government of this great and powerful country. The vice president contacted the Disney Group (because of its successful amusement parks and media companies) and used their analysis to consider the possibility of putting this Christian theme park in a non-Christian country. (considering the chance there would be daily bombings etc.) The problem arose when Chainey assumed that this extensive analysis was "pro bono" (much to the chagrin of the Disney Group!) Promises were made. In touch with the movers and shakers at Halliburton manifested sometimes as KBR, (Kellogg Brown Root.
Comrades, in the Nixon presidency, vice president Spiro Agnew was accused of receiving bribes that dated back to his tenure as Governor of Massachusetts. He would receive cash payments in paper bags while ensconced in the White House! (so they say) Perhaps (and not for sure), this was what insured vice president Chainey to ask his former employer Halliburton, to see what kind of fortune could be made building roads all over Afghanistan leading to the Christian theme park and construction of the park proper. In order to sweeten the deal for the survival of the endeavor, the Bin Ladin Group was asked to be a partner in a joint venture, because the middle east is their "back yard" and would know who to bribe etc. They could put leverage on the various factions who were currently in combat
View comment on: The right-wing -- now plus Lou Dobbs -- still doubts Obama's birth certificate at 7/23/2009 3:25 PM PDT
Remember those aircraft like the first supersonic aircraft the Bell X3, or the XB70 Valkyrie, or the XB 52 , or X15 rocket powered plane? The "X" stands for "excremental”
Holy Land
Hello Comrades. I have just returned from the Holy Land, and that's why I have not been posting. I noticed a new trend. One day I observed a crowd forming and being a curious sort of fellow, I went to see what it was about. There was a photographer, and he had a life-sized photo of Christ being crucified with a hole cut where the face of the Savior would have been, except the beard was still there. Then, tourists were sticking their faces through the hole to simulate their being crucified. I expected some old codger to run up and hit the photographer with a rolling pin or something, but none did! The weird thing was, people were making funny faces, and big smiles etc, while hanging from the cross! It was a sort of strange juxtaposing of sacred symbolism.
View comment on: Coalition of LGBT groups: Next year too soon for gay marriage vote in CA at 7/16/2009 6:47 PM PDT
Hi sol. I have been working seven days a week , one night we worked 15 hours, when the bridge sunk the barge. The river came up 2 feet!
yuri_nahl's comment violated SFGate's Terms and Conditions and has been removed
So sometimes dogs sniff each other's poo and it gives them a sort of olfactory picture of the other dog's health.
View comment on: Palin stepping down as Alaska governor at 7/5/2009 6:20 PM PDT
“It is a lack of stature and recognition of one's task if in times such as these, a soldier in a high position only defines his duties and tasks in terms of the limited framework of his military assignments , without becoming aware of the highest responsibility he carries toward the whole nation . Exceptional times require exceptional actions!” .........Former German Army Chief of Staff, Ludwig Beck, wrote this in 1938 because he saw what was coming from Hitler. He committed suicide after being implicated in the bomb plot to kill Hitler. Many Germans were against Hitler, just as many Americans were against the the Thugocracy of G.W. Bush et al.
View comment on: Religious study: Gays not "godless" "Christian bashers" at 6/23/2009 4:57 PM PDT
There is a new operation where if you have an eye injury, you can have a testicle transplanted into your eye socket then the iris and pupil are tattooed onto the testicle for a natural look.
Comrades, for example, "original sin" !!!!! That a load of bull. !!! An innocent little baby has sin!!! Even if you believe in the concept of "sin" , it's obviously a ploy to manipulate those who are dumb enough to buy into it! Keep in mind, when Martin Luther nailed his 95 feces to the door of that church, the "church" was selling "indulgences" basically a ticket into heaven for cash!!!! The religion of "love ", burning people alive if they disagreed?!!! A ticket into heaven is an attractive idea, but this is the 21st century!!!
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad
Sometimes Called “Bad mood Ahmadinejad”
Or “Mack the Knife”
Comrades, Mahmud (also known as "Bad Mood" or "Mack the Knife" ) Ahmadinejad is a religious fellow. If he would get a decent tailor, and attend Keith Richards detox and grooming spa for a makeover, he could probably survive the backlash against the vote fraud in Iran. I say this because well look at the creepy senator from Newvada who was caught boning one of his staff, who's husband worked for him too , now their son works for the senator too , and there were allegations of "extortion" yesterday, and selling the story to the media,and this is one of the hypocrites who called for Bill Clinton to resign, and Larry Craig, and now the talking heads are not mentioning anything except how he's going to get over, just because he didn't bring his wife on stage with him as he spilled the beans on himself!!!! So if you look sharp, like this dude, and have a good hairdo, and a swell suit, you can get away with murder around here!
If you have a banister in your pad and it has a precious wood veneer, remember to give the wood a light veneer rub with an oily polish. Especially the knob on the end.
View comment on: S.F. asks federal judge to toss Prop. 8 at 6/22/2009 6:25 PM PDT
Comrades, and greetings Comrade solana, Comrade Bear and my friends. This is a news flash... If you have a cat, don't drop any rubber bands on the floor. If your cat scoffs it, he might go poo and when he walks away, the hunk of poo might act like a yo yo and smack him in the butt , and he will probably find this to be disconcerting.
Comrades, I just acquired a priceless Steinway piano. It has a precious wood veneer finish , so I am giving it a light veneer rub.
So like if there's "trophy wives" and "trophy husbands", can there be "trophy masturbation" ?
In view of the chance of self implication,/ But then again, there's really not that much to lose,/ The truth can finally be revealed,/ In all or part or none or just a speck or two,/ Of what could possibly compel a guy or a babe to be moved to cry (more likely weep ) upon this revelation.!
OK, consider that/ Sometimes it's possible that a guy or babe / Could possibly / Be accused of something that just about /When all other possibilities have been removed /Might be recognized as a symptom of this voyeurism!
The Azure Main.
View comment on: Intensified crackdown mutes protests in Iran at 6/20/2009 12:02 PM PDT
Hey this is like the Democratic Convention in 1968 in Chicago, or when Sly and the Family Stone didn't show up for that free concert in Grant Park. !
My daughter saw a James Brown concert at the U of I , Chicago Circle Campus, but said he was a shadow of his former self. I had forgotten about the 'capes' and all that stuff till I had this flight of fancy yesterday. What a cool guy.
Winston Churchill had a speech in which he described the Soviet Union as "An Iron Curtain descending over eastern Europe" something like that. President Gorbachev of the Soviet Union said "When Margaret Thatcher came to power in Britain, a beef curtain descended over that once formidable land!" Although, Joseph Stalin's interior decorator had "iron curtains" installed all around the 'Man of Steel's' abode, because his butch image needed constant bolstering.
Martha and the Vandellas had a tune "Dancing in the Streets" It seems like the Iranians are doing that now. I hope the Iranian kids checked out the archival films of the 1968 Democratic Convention in Chicago. (for tips on how to avoid the most obvious pitfalls)
I ran out of my meds but because of bad storms, I came to the library instead of hitting the street. It's like 40 miles to my pharmacy. So I just took my blood pressure pill. I feel kind of loony, but that's a good thing. Thanks for the compliment ashley. Mohmarr Kaddafi, has commissioned Calvin Klein to tailor a new image for the ex-sponsor of terrorism. He was being mistaked for a doorman at a really good hotel, or some poor galoot who had walked away from auditions for the guy at the door of the Emerald City in the Wizard of Oz, in a peculiar state of mind.
Is a "veneer" another way of spelling "wiener" ?
View comment on: Obama: More benefits for gay workers only one step at 6/19/2009 2:40 PM PDT
Hi ashley. No I'm not thumbelina. I don't know who that person was. I have not been online like I usta, well it was like 14 hours a day! I'm still my old self. I think I am anyway! I am a liar and fraud too but that's part of the fictional part I play in the great tapestry of life. I had a vision of many flies. I can't remember why. James Brown, self proclaimed 'Soul Brother Number One ' had something to do with it. Maybe it was a dream. I was thinking of art school days. Like in '65 when James Brown was self creating. Creating a whole new genre of music. So powerful totally original! Then years go by...and even his death and burial was totally original!
When Luther nailed his 95 feces to the door of that church , nobody noticed till the door flew away, because the flies had enough 'lifting power' to haul it away. After that, the populace thought Luther was magic and started following his teachings. The pope did not dig it, and sent many wagonloads of fly-paper to his town in Germany so he could not pull off the stunt again.
Seen in a PETA office "Wanted for 'Fly-a-cide' .... President Obama" ...I swear to God!
Hi sol, my dear. If I were not an old fossil myself with one foot in the grave and the other on a banana peel, I would be hesitant to post those remarks. I personally would love to wake up and see my slippers scooting across the floor. One thing I always remember is as a kid , we were in Hove park, and we had some gunpowder we made. There was this old cleric geezer and we put a pile of this gunpowder behind him about thirty feet. We lit it and hid. Then this big cloud of smoke started billowing up and sort of enveloped the old galoot. It was in my mind like "The Devil coming from a hole in the ground " So that was funny. Even at that time I knew that someday the roles would be reversed. But it's still funny , either way!
Old people can be fooled if you get a plain stone outdoor table and arrange flies on it so that they resemble a chess board. (You have to keep the flies in the fridge over night so they get dormant and can't fly.) Then old codgers put their chess pieces on the board and when the flies warm up and fly away, the old geezers think they are loosing their marbles. (Cuz the chessboard disappears !)
View comment on: Sarah Palin accepts David Letterman's apology at 6/16/2009 5:46 PM PDT
I disagree. In comedy, there is usually a straight man and a chump. It's a substantive part of any comedy. There's always a looser! And remember, "The winners get the honeys, the losers get the blues" (Trower)
I meant " All's fair" . And in any case, I would rather have a joke made in bad taste be allowed out in public. It shows what bag the joke teller is coming out of. If the American nation can survive eight years of the last administration, it can surely survive some corn ball joke. (Which I have not actually heard, and don't give a hoot about anyway.
Dave should not have apologized. That way he would have kept getting free promotion almost ...forever! Just like Sarah was getting. Now she'll have to think of a new scam to get her mug into the media. Anyway, all's fail in love and politics. If you can't stand the heat, give yourself an ice cold enema.
When research was being done for the movie "Evita", politicians who were active at the time Juan Peron and Evita were in office in Argentina begged Madonna to not bring to light the law the Peron's were going to foist on the Argentine nation, where everyone would be required to wear an Adolph Hitler disguise when they were outside. This was to allow the former Nazi dictator and genocidal maniac a better chance to blend in with the general population, since the chance of the Fuhrer wearing a "guacho" outfit was beyond imagining since he was a nutcase and thought the world revolved around himself. People nowadays wonder why the Peron's would even go along with such an idea in the first place. The answer is of course the bars of gold bullion with the Nazi eagle stamped on them which were made of gold stolen from the helpless victims of Nazi theft and general criminality.
Because of the political backlash over the alleged vote fraud in Iran, president Mahmud Ahmadinijad (Mack the Knife, to the cognoscenti) has rescinded his "No Light Wiener Rubbing" decree in order to placate the general bru ha ha against him in the Iranian street.
Russian archives recently made public reveal the secret of the thousands of "Charlie Chaplin Mustaches" found in the "Fuhrer Bunker" in Berlin. At the time these were discovered, the Soviet GRU, and KGB were afraid that the Fuhrer had escaped the dragnet trying to capture him under cover of "Many Imitation Fuhrers" The Charlie Chaplin disguise was proposed by the Minister of Propaganda, Joseph Goebbels. The whole Nazi administration had intended to escape to Argentina in a long range submarine and live in a special town where everyone was required to have a Charlie Chaplin mustache, so as to fool any Allied or Jewish plot to extradite him back to Europe to face Crimes Against Humanity charges at the War Crimes Tribunal. Since everyone would have a Charlie Chaplin mustache, it would be hard to distinguish the Fuhrer from the other inhabitants of the town. Sort of like hiding under cover of broad daylight
One time I was listening to a radio station for the Comrades of Color. They played that song "She's a Brick-house" etc. Then one of the DJs said "My friend said when he met his wife she was a "brick-house" , now she's a "ware-house"!
View comment on: Donald Trump ousts Prejean as Miss California at 6/12/2009 2:11 PM PDT
There were some groupies there that were really moved in the "Crucifixion Scenes" crying etc. That might be a good gig. For getting chicks to dig you I mean. Now I really gotta go.
local_lesbial, you are good! Hau, Bear. It's me!My sister works at the Consulate of the Russian Federation and got my brother in law, Maxim Gorky a job there.
View comment on: Sarah Palin: Letterman owes women an apology at 6/12/2009 1:38 PM PDT
Hey lisa, if you pick up your dog's droppings with grocery bags, make sure you don't use the "net bag" , only use plastic bags.
View comment on: Gay marriage bill signed into law in New Hampshire at 6/6/2009 2:35 PM PDT
From highly regarded book by Joachim Wieder regarding completely different subject, concept of "will this (anti -gay and lesbian) or just intolerance get by before the "Tribunal of History"? Crazy intolerance and concept of "sub-human" people for whatever cornball reason , you fill in the blank, is already known to be a lot of malarkey. Only people who never crack a book open believe this hate filled voodoo! Look at the big picture.! Look for the "Man Behind the Curtain"! He may be wearing a pointy hat.
In spirit of free trade between former Soviet republic of Ukraine and adopted country of USA, I wish to offer new garden illumination rocks for sale. These are rocks made of genuine concrete recycled from nuclear reactor at Chernobyl , Ukraine. These rocks are so radio active, they will glow enough to illuminate your walkways or even cook a meal if you leave same on top of rock. If your pet cat sits on the rock, when it has kittens, they may have two heads or five legs and make interesting conversation pieces. Just leave message and I will get in touch.
Soviet super spy in Japan told of reason of Ernst Roehm's demise. When Fuhrer, (dilettante lunatic Adolph Hitler ) heard of Ernst Roehm's plan to have thousands of Hitler Jugend dressed in "tap boots" and black jodhpurs ,tap-dancing down Unter Den Linden in a Nazi parade, he went insane with rage, breaking his monocle and threw his riding crop with such force it broke in two. One of the broken pieces bounced back and hit Count Staufenberg in the eye, causing him to wear an eye patch.
My grandfather Vasily Nahlski was in battle of Stalingrad in which Patriots of Soviet Union encircled and destroyed German Sixth Army and killed many Nazis.
I should say "brather in law", I am married to his sister
My brather, Maxim Gorky is gardener at Consulate of Russian Federation in San Francisco.
View comment on: Same-sex marriage movement looks to 'Obamify' at 2/18/2009 3:17 PM PST
That's nothing...Russian flies on turd sing "Volga Boat Song"
Red Army T-34 Tank In Berlin
In Front Of Reichstag
Mr.truck, your avatar remind me of when we worck in arctic circle. Start bulldozer procedure.: pour in liquid ether .Get greenhorn volunteer to crank engine . Three meter flame shoot into sky. from exhaust pipe .Very funny! We laugh!
Holy Stalin's Mother ....this sounds like lawyerfest after slipping half a dozen shots af delux espresso into their Mocha Java with cream liquid refreshment. I think I will go brush down the stallion some more.
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