THE GREAT FIRE OF LONDON AS SPAKE (AND WRIT DOWN) BY SAMUEL PEPYS (DIARIST)

Comrades, I like these fashions so much I will let you read this history I have written, which only has the slightest amount of plagiarism in it.

Derived From What Was Written in Samuel Pepys Diary.

“Oh the miserable and calamitous spectacle!” A.D. 1666. So at this time the Great Fire of London occurred. Because of a small mistake, but with tragic consequences.

On September 2, 1666, Thomas Farrinor, baker to King Charles II of England, failed, in effect, to extinguish his smoking material. He mistakenly thought he had tapped the glowing embers from his pipe into his chamberpot, but apparently the smouldering embers ignited some nearby socks, which in turn applied fire to the curtains and by one o’clock in the morning, three hours after Farrinor went to bed, his house in Pudding Lane, fairly close to the river Thames, was in flames. Farrinor, along with his wife and daughter, and one servant, escaped from the burning building through an upstairs window, but the baker’s maid was not so fortunate, becoming the Great Fire’s first victim. “Did this tobacco pipe set fire to London?”

Leading up to this was the extreme nicotine addiction of many English fellows. After a Saturday night of debauchery, fondling stallions and smoking pipes, they would scurry off to church on the Sabbath to try to make amends to God.
The chaps would still be puffing their pipes in church and this bad habit was what led to the ritual of the man of the cloth dipping a brush like device, sort of like a little mop, into a small bucket of “Holy Water”, and slinging the “Holy Water” at the pipe smoking vagabond’s pipes, to try to douse the tobacco in pipes of those partaking of the gaseous elixir. (“Holy Water” being very similar to ordinary water, except for its property of “Being Holy”)

Now this mop apparatus was also actually used to bless the devout, besides extinguishing smoldering tobacco pipes.

In London during that time, most of the church attendees did not have an attractive bouquet. To remedy this condition and the plague of flies which it caused, the “Celebrant” or his “deacon”, would swing this incense holder called a censer or thurible around the holy , but smelly congregation. It hung from 3 or 4 chains and had a metal saucer in which to burn the incense which it was hoped would render the devout with a more attractive fragrance. Sometimes this layperson would be called the “altar server” or “butler”.

A famous large thurible is the Botafumeiro, in the cathedral of Santiago de Compostela which weighs 110 pounds (55 kilos) and is hung from the ceiling. This five foot (1.6 meter) high thurible amputated the leg of one of the pious when the main chain broke during a holy ceremony, and it (the thurible) fell upon the unfortunate chap. Luckily, the bishop was able to administer Holy Ritual before he passed over to the other side, as a way helping the fellow into heaven. He blessed the loins or reins, on account of walking, and the loins as the seat of pleasure. (Since the censer had landed on the fellows loins, it was inferred that his loins had been guilty of sin.) For even by merely walking past a house of dubious pleasures, sin could be drawn into the soul by osmosis. In gratitude, the deceased, (before he actually became deceased, and was therefore still alive) donated his earthly property to the bishop, since in the heavenly realm, these goods would not be needed.

Down through the ages several other worshipers received broken bones when they misjudged the trajectory of the venerated artifact, and were crushed when squeezed between the thurible and a statue of the Holy Virgin Mother. These chaps were thought to have not retreated in time. When first noticed, one of these fellows were thought to have been embracing the statue of the Holy Mother in an “un-dignified” or “in-appropriately personal” manner, until it was realized both of his legs were broken and he was merely trying to keep himself from falling onto the floor.

This “censing” was highly formalised in some religions. This required the censer to wear evening wear of the old style popularly called a “Monkey Suit” plus a “Top Hat”, and “Spats”. Besides the person censing, there would be a “boat boy” who would add incense as needed. Sort of like a “fireman” on a locomotive, or a “stoker” on a coal fired ship. (except not as strenuous).

The different religions had unique ceremonial aspects to their style of censing. For example clockwise and counter clockwise swings, single ,double ,triple, swings, the Sign of the Cross. Sometimes the clergyman would carry a candle in his left hand.

The faithful would sometimes burn their own incense, but this had led to a number of conflagrations, so it was discouraged. There were some of the devout who would try to warm up a cup of tea or heat a shepherd’s pie over their censer or thurible in their pew, but this proved to be a distraction.
In some rites of worship, the censer is swung toward a person or an Icon. Care must be used, as a number of priceless Icons were set ablaze, having been given a coat of flammable varnish in the course of conservation. The Icons were generally doused with Holy Water in an attempt to extinguish the inferno, rendering them more holy.

The chains on the censer had “bells” attached to them. These were not in reality bells but were a form of “bolas” which is used to capture any of the congregation who were stealthily leaving the church just as the collection plate was being passed around.

The swinging of the censer toward a person could also cause problems if the trajectory were not correctly judged. If a fellow was taking a nap and struck by the censer, he could be doused with glowing incense, and (though not noticed right away) start smouldering or burning later. More than one awoke, thinking he had been swallowed into a crack in the earth and been set ablaze by Beelzebub to begin an endless torment in the bowels of Hell. The deacon or altar boy with the Holy Water sprinkler would attempt to extinguish the flame and smoke engulfed parishioner. At least one of these smoldering chaps was so exalted by not being captured by Satan that he donated all the coins he had on his person when the holy offering plate was passed around the church.

There were one or two instances where a member of the congregation who was in debt to the deacons and gave “bugger all” in payment. These ungrateful cretins received an extra helping of flaming embers from the deacon. Then a vessel of flammable baptismal oil (with a healthy measure of Holy Distilled Spirits added) instead of Holy Water which of course only insured that they would run shrieking from their pew enveloped in a ball of fire. The less-worldly clergyman who did not realize the flames were an inducement for payback of a loan, recited the Exorcism Ritual as fast as he could (since he thought this “spontaneous combustion” was a visitation by the Archfiend of Hell) Usually this application of Heavenly Fire was enough to convince the sinner of the rightness of paying back a few quid. By the time his blisters healed, the debt was usually paid back. Nevertheless, the sinner could be slathered with healing unguents for months.

Over the passage of time, various churches tried to augment the flow of coin of the realm into the collection plate by adding opium or hashish to the incense in the censer. This was hoped to give the parishioners a more generous and giving state of mind. The devout would tend to doze in a nap, minds clouded by elixir of Opiate, and when awoken by the jingling collection plate being passed, they would donate some coin of the realm, some Doubloons or Rubbles, before his wits were about him, and realized the clergy had added a couple of “passing the collection plate” events. There was a down side to this “Opiate Dispensing”, in that the clergy would also be susceptible to it’s effect, with the predictable “Altar Boy on Fire” syndrome. (In modern times, the “Sleeping Pope Benedict” was a probable victim.)
Amen.

HANNIBAL CROSSING THE ALPS WITH WAR ELEPHANTS

#

yuri_nahl Says:

March 3, 2010 at 3:19 am

Comrades, If I had a set of bagpipes, (or bagpipe, or whatever you call the blasted things) I would put a big blob of the finest reefer inside. I would then have a convenient charcoal or stove lighter inside to set flame to the pile of reefer. I would then have a burly Scotsman or burly geezer of any nationality, since the important part would be the burliness. He would then blow into the input pipe and place suitable customers in lines, so they could approach the reefer belching bagpipes and get a suitable whiff , adequate to fill their lungs, and give a sacramental trajectory towards Nirvana.

#

yuri_nahl Says:

March 3, 2010 at 3:28 am

Comrades, with my degenerated mind, I forgot to point out that since there are multiple tubes emanating from the “air vessel” part of the bagpipe, that would be where the customers would be getting their whiffs of finest ganjah, and the desired effect would be to induce a metamorphosis in the Rastas , that would re-configure them as “Tabula Rastas” which could be discerned from normal “Rastas” by the apparent separation of mind and body, so desirable when seeking succor upon the Astral Plane.

yuri_nahl Says:

March 3, 2010 at 3:56 am

The story of this epic campaign must be told. But in truth, this story demands to be told. The spirit, the soul, the power of the will of these incredible men whose crossing of these mountains was a war in itself, demands and wills this to have life in our time, so perhaps men can know the potential of men. This achievement has remained a benchmark for those who aspire to great works for over 2,000 years. To win a war with the mountains, to have a chance to fight a war with the Romans! It is the story of the bringing of an army, including the war elephants, by Hannibal, Carthaginian general, and tactician nonpareil, through the mountains northwest of Italy, the Alps, to make war on the Romans.

Clearly, this is but a fragment of the career of Hannibal. As such, this heroic overcoming of this arduous challenge is still illustrative of aspects of the leadership which allowed Hannibal to feel comfortable in the presence of the Gods of War, as his generalship was peerless.

These achievements are known to us from the writings of the Roman historian Livy (Titus Livius) . Livy learned of this campaign through the “Histories of Polybius”, written fifty years after this particular traversing of the Alps occured. Polybius was a Greek historian (and military advisor) who wrote “an extensive treatise entitled ‘Tactics’” for “he was learned in matters, both political and military”. By method, he was a modern professional historian. As a rule, his accounts were derived from eye witnesses who had lived the events, and from visiting the very locations and battlefields. Most of the chronicles of Polybius are lost.The account of the march through the mountain roads survived, so fortunate are we who wish to have some understanding of one of the greatest generals in history.

This listing of the bona-fides of the authors of the histories, and the provenance of the written accounts is only to give credibility to an event which by its nature , is so astonishing and otherworldly, so unbelievable, but for the eyewitness accounts, it would seem to be a fiction, derived from fantasy. Therefore, presented below are the events which together are known as “The Crossing of the Alps by Hannibal the Carthaginian”

This occurs during the time called “the time of the beginning of the Second Punic War” (218BC) A remarkable thing about bringing an army through the Alps is the ingenuity one must use when faced with the pervasive and utter horror of abrasive wind, snow drifts, and blinding snow squalls which limit visibility to a few feet. Under such indescribable hardship, when progress becomes at best, a crawl, the logistics of re-supplying the fighting army with food are all important. Conversely,the weapons of war become an anchor, less than worthless. Only more weight for the exhausted troops to drag with them through the abominable conditions

At this time, the time called the “beginning of the starvation” it was decided to devour the elephant’s penises, as the organs were not utilized in their role as “war elephants”, First the penises would have to be removed from the elephants. (as it was considered unhealthy to try to eat an elephant penis still attached to the elephant, since the elephant would generally take great umbrage to the effrontery) The elephants had to be given an “herbal elixir” and the while under the influence, be given a “light wiener rub”. The elephants’ penises weighed around a hundred pounds, so it took a couple of burly soldiers to give this “light wiener rub”. Injuries were common as the elephant penis thrashing around could easily sling a stout fellow fellow twenty feet so he’d often end up a pile of broken bones. When the wiener was stiff as a tree trunk, a rope was tightened around it and it was sliced off and cauterized.

This penis could then be roasted, and cut into tasty snacks to sustain the army in its time of need.

This penis amputation (and subsequent munching of) would have been sufficient to victualise the army , had it not been for the winter being the worst in decades.

This new period became known as “the time of the peg-legged elephants” Due to the harsh winter, all of the elephant penises were soon devoured, and the land was barren, devoid of any resource which might be used as sustenance. (an aside) This “elephant penis roasting” was adopted by Greek mercenaries and became the basis of the popular “gyros” sandwiches.

The elephants were essential for transport so they could not be slaughtered. It was decided that the elephants would still be functional if one or two of their front legs was amputated, and replaced with wooden ones. (peg-legs) So that these “peg-legs” would not sink into the snow, the largest size sandals available were nailed to the bottom of the legs.

In this way, after removal, the elephant legs could be cooked and gobbled down by starving soldiers. The roasted legs were smothered in “creamy white sauce” derived from the elephant gonads. Unlucky was the chap who received a slice with part of a toe-nail attached!

The decision to use the front legs was because when the war was over, if the elephants were used in a circus, they would have a hard time standing up on rear wooden legs, unless wearing giant “clown shoes ” with holes for the tips of the peg-legs to fit into. As it was, the front legs were then replaced by the crafty army veterinarians with”Captain Ahab” type peg-legs.

Sometimes the wooden legs were outfitted with rudimentary skis, and the elephants slid along, pushing with the back legs. Plans were considered to amputate three legs and use chariot wheels mounted to the peg legs, and using the left over one to push, as the children use “skateboards” in the 21st century. This idea was discarded as being impractical.

As time went by and more elephants were lost to accidents or desperate need for food, there was concern that an insufficient number of elephants would not put the Romans to flight as the massed animals had done to other adversaries. It was therefore decided that on the death of an animal, flies were allowed to devour the insides of the elephants (when the meat that could be removed was in fact removed ) This left a hollow cavity which was outfitted with a framework which allowed soldiers to simulate a walking live elephant especially if observed by someone with bad eyesight.One soldier would be slid down inside each leg and shuffle along, as if he were in drag, and wearing a really tight skirt of the style worn in the 1950s. The legs would be covered with “chaps” but this was a wee bit chancy, as the elephants assumed the gait or, more accurately, “lack of gait” peculiar to the stylised “nuns”, depicted in the film “The Blues Brothers”. In this way, these “spurious elephants” could join the ranks of front line beasts. This was hoped to give the Romans the impression they were hallucinating. These artificial, man-powered elephants were hoped to make the Romans think they were having nervous breakdowns, as when tipped over, they would deflate like balloons, which is not what real elephants do. Hopefully this would confuse the Romans, as it was hoped they would doubt their own sanity.

Another cause of elephant casualties was during the blinding snow squalls, the poor elephants would tumble down from the precarious mountain paths and cruelly die in the crevasses below. This was the sole benefit to the tribes-people inhabiting the Alps. Although, to begin with, these bellowing gigantic animals flying out of the sky, made the tribal chaps run off, thinking dragon like monsters were flopping out of the sky to murder them. But they were ingenious and took the dead elephants and removed the meat, then using the animals skeletons, branches and hide glue, they constructed a structure which caused the dead elephants to appear to be standing in a manner formerly only live elephants were capable of.

When arranged into a configuration which a herd of elephants would assume had they been alive, wild beasts such as ravening wolves or even carnivorous stoats which inhabited these ranges would be afraid to approach the vicinity of the encampment.

After the hides were hollowed out and set up this way, families could move into the elephants and make a cozy dwelling out of the remains.The ploy of the inhabitants “roaring in unison” helped scare off interlopers.

Careful scrutiny by those of other tribes willing to stalk the herd led them to believe these were “zombie elephants” because even though they roared, they did not in fact actually move. They did appear to defalcate, but that was only because the inhabitants had utilized the missing penis aperture for a primitive garderobe.

A few brave primitive “hunter gatherer” fellows would approach the elephant circle utilizing “gris-gris” or other “totems” to help overcome the obvious power of the elephants. Upon seeing that the elephants possessed the skill to make fire and the magic needed to apparently compel animals to come and be cooked , the intruders retreated, afraid the elephants would induce them to befall the same fate as the animals roasting on the spit.

To return to the subject of Hannibal, he successfully brought his army, and elephants, albeit peg-legged ones, down from the Alps and engaged the Romans in savage war.

The third major battle, the “Battle of Cannae” ( 218BC) was considered to be the greatest “encirclement of enemy to win battle” in history until the “Battle of Stalingrad” during 1942-1943 in the Second World War, at which time on the “Eastern Front”, what is called “The Great Patriotic War” by the (peace loving) Russian Federation, the fascist Nazi German Sixth Army (at that time the most powerful military force in history) was encircled and destroyed by the Soviet “Red Army”.This is considered to be the psychological “turning point ” for the Red Army in the Great Patriotic War and was the beginning of the single most important factor of the Second World War, the destruction of the fascist Nazi war forces.

This victory at Cannae, guaranteed Hannibal’s reputation as one of the most accomplished leaders in military history. In the pantheon of military genius, he ranks very near the top.

History tells us that the elephants acquitted themselves admirably also.

( Dr.Yuri Nahl, professor of history, Boondoggle University, British Virgin Islands. 3/1/2010)

#

paulboylan Says:

March 3, 2010 at 5:20 am

Yuri, please go on.

(Now THAT’S faffing!)

#

Dr Yobbo Says:

March 3, 2010 at 5:30 am

Fucking gold medal performance this.

#

FUNNY STORIES FROM THE PAST FROM SF GATE DURING THE GOLDEN TIME

Funny Stories



ivabigun7/9/2008 10:47:51 PM

i got the old woman a couple of those books and she chucked them out! after i hauled them thousands of miles for her reading pleasure from powels bookstore. by the river, there was a sign for a resturant, hung lo, with a neon sign that said cocktails but only the first half worked. somehow it made me think of the song "smilling faeces, warm embraces

hughjasse7/9/2008 10:14:19 PM

maybe on the internet, i found this story of some geezer finding this old fossil who was sort of rotting into the couch. , maybe glued onto it with gallons of dried semen and vasaline. like the good old days,like when the dock johnson disapears only to turn up months later with little holes all over it that indicate it's been a large part of the ferrets diet. but this guy, wrote some other books, that were so horrifying, so hot and sleazy that you almost had to gulp down handfulls of really good pills just, just in order to acquire the mind set needed to read 'em! with a closet full of moth eaten trench coats. after recieving the special nobel prize for literature written on the walls of that public crapper right by the old folks home on sackville road, where i found out about the other world of sex, the one your parents don't mention.

hughjasse7/9/2008 9:38:44 PM

if you have not read cruel lips, it's the best...love sex, dirty dreams all that stuff... there's a giant bookstore in portland that had a pile of his stuff, you had to have a bucketo' water in case you or the book started blazing. i found m. van heller im 1972 or so. it turned out the guy was paid to pump out porno under this pseudonym but his work was just so above aand beyond the call of duty wheeww!

Recommend: (3)(0)[Report Abuse]

hughjasse7/9/2008 9:31:51 PM

hey baby, is that the bridge at san gregorio on your nogin>

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sf_gaze7/9/2008 9:27:29 PM

hey huge ass! *waves frantically*

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claudebottom7/9/2008 11:58:00 PM

i was reading some of the messages. it was different. it seems the off topic lunacy is better than the subject we's sposed t' be talking about. like the internet has become this giant mind that sort of reflects the enigmas that reside within us all. so that with the expression of these enemas, we can understand the human condition better. like ifya read "under the rooftops of paris" well i imidiately thought ...wow every kind of sex known to man within the first 3 pages ... so it seemed so acceptable, normal healthy, and that was what in 1930s paris? so whadaya think? also when i usta go to these group therapy sessions to give up booze, we usta go blabbing, like on tangents. that's not the party line. there was this one anal chick who really cracked the whip and said "no cross talk" but to me ,it seemed like the cross talk was the best part. and some of those people were really hot.

7/10/2008 2:50:13 PM

dear countess, please forigve me if i have offended your cultured sensibilities, but may i be the first to offer my hand in marriage since i am of the male persuasion. i will stop at the cemetary and bring flowers as is my habit when courting a swell babe, and if you would kindly remind me, how high was that secret mountain of krugerands, you alluded to in a moment of indescretion.



countess_urania

7/10/2008 2:37:30 PM

That is a lovely home, is it not? But honestly Mister or Missus ivabigun, one would not speak of the private aspects of anyone person's business matters on the internet! If you are so inclined, you may contact the realtors. I believe the property is available for fifty million dollars.

Recommend: (2)(0)[Report Abuse]



countess_urania

7/10/2008 1:30:15 PM

Why would a gentleman want to slap such a handsome young man such as yourself, Mister Gaze? Why, this Mister Snerdley must be no gentleman at all!



countess_urania

7/10/2008 1:15:44 PM

Oh ho HO! You charming young people do amuse us so in these commentary parlors. Nigh the time has come for a proper introduction if you would be so kind as to allow one the indulgence. We are the Widow and Countess Eugenia von Urania, and are charmed to meet each of you. We must thank you for the mirth you do provide. Thank you.

Recommend: (5)(0)[Report Abuse]

show details 7/11/08

SFGate:

Happy Meals / It is the end of the nutball Christian right. Here is your proof. To go at 7/11/2008 11:02 AM PDT
Well my goodness! Back in our day, being a good Christian meant having a bible in the home, doing good deads, wearing one's Sunday Best upon the occasion of Easter, Circumcision, and other feast days, and striving to observe The Golden Rule in one's daily conduct. In these troubled times it seems that the church knows no Good Shepherd! Horsefeathers! This old bat has dwelt in the heaven-blessed city of San Francisco long enough to know that the homosexual is as beloved by God and is as splendid an individual as any other sort of being! Why, I believe at least half my staff are homosexual, and they are brilliantly talented and charming personages. Oh, I cannot abide the devilry of those who cloak themselves in sanctimonious airs, bullying the homosexual, as they did the Negro and the Jew in the all too recent past! It is poor citizenship, and most un-Christian, if you ask me! Young Mister Morford, we thank you for your impassioned manifesto. God bless you charming gay people! Bless you!
Comment on: Have Highbrow Porn, Will Travel / Violet Blue investigates CineKink, the X-rated Sundance at 7/10/2008 6:51 PM PDT
Did we say 1916? O la la too long have one's old grey noodles stewed in the bouillabaisse of life's eddies and tides! Why for the life of one we cannot remember the exact year of our cotillion. My dear ivabigun, with a name so heartily suggestive as your own, I've a notion that you've already the better lot of the arsenal of longevity in your armory. Exercise as one may, keep a stiff ... upper lip, and don't forget a stiff nightly nightcap of the libation of your preference, ho ho!

Comment on: Have Highbrow Porn, Will Travel / Violet Blue investigates CineKink, the X-rated Sundance at 7/10/2008 3:07 PM PDT
Mister ivabigun, no offense taken, but thank you. This Countess is no longer available for conjugal arrangements of the legal sort, and for what it may or may not be of value to those who have noted one's station, one's fine family fortune has been fully willed with finality to one's existing heirs and charities. Or was young Master Butt's David Guest warning in regards to the perils of the Botox?

Comment on: Have Highbrow Porn, Will Travel / Violet Blue investigates CineKink, the X-rated Sundance at 7/10/2008 2:37 PM PDT
That is a lovely home, is it not? But honestly Mister or Missus ivabigun, one would not speak of the private aspects of anyone person's business matters on the internet! If you are so inclined, you may contact the realtors. I believe the property is available for fifty million dollars.

Comment on: Have Highbrow Porn, Will Travel / Violet Blue investigates CineKink, the X-rated Sundance at 7/10/2008 2:26 PM PDT
ivabigun, kind of you to enquire. You may address me as you see fit. My first name is Eugenia. My international social and peerage title is Countess. Mine is not to expect the formalities of society upon the internet, so by all means do let us be casual. Oh Mister Gaze, bless you for putting a smile in a lady's day.
Comment on: Have Highbrow Porn, Will Travel / Violet Blue investigates CineKink, the X-rated Sundance at 7/10/2008 2:17 PM PDT

Mister Gaze, the portrait photograph was taken at a private Cotillion at the San Francisco home of Mister Gordon and Mrs. Anne Getty in 1999. As my appointment was to be Matriarchal Chaperone of the Debutantes, I wore the blue diamond tiara that one had worn at one's own presentation to society in 1916. Oh the girls, they laughed, but so did we. Jolly good. In one way or another, yes, I've always some bit of jewelry jangling about. Haven't we all?
Comment on: Have Highbrow Porn, Will Travel / Violet Blue investigates CineKink, the X-rated Sundance at 7/10/2008 2:00 PM PDT

Good day to you Mister Mulligan. My beloved departed the Baron Hugo von Thurn und Taxis von Urania bestowed upon one's manque these Okinawan pearls upon the occasion of our sixtieth wedding anniversary at Castile del Sol y Luna, Montserrat. Oh, I have scads of pearls. The Baron was very giving. Mister Butt I've no doubt that you are quite fetching as you are. Fat farms, do they still do those? I remember when Mrs. Patricia Montandon was said to have discreetly retired to one such farm, only to return to society a tad more plump for the recess. As for hangovers, the hair of the cur my friend, ho ho!
Comment on: Have Highbrow Porn, Will Travel / Violet Blue investigates CineKink, the X-rated Sundance at 7/10/2008 1:49 PM PDT

In one's widowful dottage, one hasn't the powers of concentration that one had as a tartly young dish. Nevertheless, when our manservant Randolph performs certain duties, concentration is hardly a problem! Why Mister Butt, I shall take the Fred Mertz comment in good humour. Really, I'm just a filthy rich old bat from a more pastoral era, and am quite aware that it shows.

Comment on: Have Highbrow Porn, Will Travel / Violet Blue investigates CineKink, the X-rated Sundance at 7/10/2008 1:38 PM PDT
Young Master Butt, my goodly parents named me "Urania" for the classical muse of the heavens. It is an antiquated name to be sure, but we are an antiquated dame, ho ho!

Comment on: Have Highbrow Porn, Will Travel / Violet Blue investigates CineKink, the X-rated Sundance at 7/10/2008 1:36 PM PDT
Mister Gaze, I blush with appreciation. You are quite kind, and we are enchanted to meet you! If this Snerdley fellow continues to annoy you, I shall pay ten brute ruffians to have a word with him!

Totally Gay Happy Meals

ivabigun7/13/2008 11:32:32 AM

Hello Countess, so nice to see you. I was afraid you had somehow got ahold of a time machine ,and travelled to the time of the Pre-Raphaelites, to perhaps hangout wih Orcar Wilde and chuck lilies at each other!

Recommend: (2)(1)[Report Abuse]

Totally Gay Happy Meals

countess_urania7/13/2008 11:23:59 AM

Now see here Mister Granite, one just returned from Sunday morning services. Why did not you? Oh bother, do not respond. I shall have delivered to you fifteen gay Happy Meals in hopes that at least one arrives with the plastic "Twinky Winky" premium that may amuse you, or has one overestimated your age?

Recommend: (6)(1)[Report Abuse]

SFGate:

Happy Meals / It is the end of the nutball Christian right. Here is your proof. To go at 7/11/2008 11:02 AM PDT

Well my goodness! Back in our day, being a good Christian meant having a bible in the home, doing good deads, wearing one's Sunday Best upon the occasion of Easter, Circumcision, and other feast days, and striving to observe The Golden Rule in one's daily conduct. In these troubled times it seems that the church knows no Good Shepherd! Horsefeathers! This old bat has dwelt in the heaven-blessed city of San Francisco long enough to know that the homosexual is as beloved by God and is as splendid an individual as any other sort of being! Why, I believe at least half my staff are homosexual, and they are brilliantly talented and charming personages. Oh, I cannot abide the devilry of those who cloak themselves in sanctimonious airs, bullying the homosexual, as they did the Negro and the Jew in the all too recent past! It is poor citizenship, and most un-Christian, if you ask me! Young Mister Morford, we thank you for your impassioned manifesto. God bless you charming gay people! Bless you!

Comment on: Have Highbrow Porn, Will Travel / Violet Blue investigates CineKink, the X-rated Sundance at 7/10/2008 6:51 PM PDT
Did we say 1916? O la la too long have one's old grey noodles stewed in the bouillabaisse of life's eddies and tides! Why for the life of one we cannot remember the exact year of our cotillion. My dear ivabigun, with a name so heartily suggestive as your own, I've a notion that you've already the better lot of the arsenal of longevity in your armory. Exercise as one may, keep a stiff ... upper lip, and don't forget a stiff nightly nightcap of the libation of your preference, ho ho!

Comment on: Have Highbrow Porn, Will Travel / Violet Blue investigates CineKink, the X-rated Sundance at 7/10/2008 3:07 PM PDT
Mister ivabigun, no offense taken, but thank you. This Countess is no longer available for conjugal arrangements of the legal sort, and for what it may or may not be of value to those who have noted one's station, one's fine family fortune has been fully willed with finality to one's existing heirs and charities. Or was young Master Butt's David Guest warning in regards to the perils of the Botox?

Comment on: Have Highbrow Porn, Will Travel / Violet Blue investigates CineKink, the X-rated Sundance at 7/10/2008 2:37 PM PDT
That is a lovely home, is it not? But honestly Mister or Missus ivabigun, one would not speak of the private aspects of anyone person's business matters on the internet! If you are so inclined, you may contact the realtors. I believe the property is available for fifty million dollars.

Comment on: Have Highbrow Porn, Will Travel / Violet Blue investigates CineKink, the X-rated Sundance at 7/10/2008 2:26 PM PDT
ivabigun, kind of you to enquire. You may address me as you see fit. My first name is Eugenia. My international social and peerage title is Countess. Mine is not to expect the formalities of society upon the internet, so by all means do let us be casual. Oh Mister Gaze, bless you for putting a smile in a lady's day.
Comment on: Have Highbrow Porn, Will Travel / Violet Blue investigates CineKink, the X-rated Sundance at 7/10/2008 2:17 PM PDT

Mister Gaze, the portrait photograph was taken at a private Cotillion at the San Francisco home of Mister Gordon and Mrs. Anne Getty in 1999. As my appointment was to be Matriarchal Chaperone of the Debutantes, I wore the blue diamond tiara that one had worn at one's own presentation to society in 1916. Oh the girls, they laughed, but so did we. Jolly good. In one way or another, yes, I've always some bit of jewelry jangling about. Haven't we all?
Comment on: Have Highbrow Porn, Will Travel / Violet Blue investigates CineKink, the X-rated Sundance at 7/10/2008 2:00 PM PDT

Good day to you Mister Mulligan. My beloved departed the Baron Hugo von Thurn und Taxis von Urania bestowed upon one's manque these Okinawan pearls upon the occasion of our sixtieth wedding anniversary at Castile del Sol y Luna, Montserrat. Oh, I have scads of pearls. The Baron was very giving. Mister Butt I've no doubt that you are quite fetching as you are. Fat farms, do they still do those? I remember when Mrs. Patricia Montandon was said to have discreetly retired to one such farm, only to return to society a tad more plump for the recess. As for hangovers, the hair of the cur my friend, ho ho!
Comment on: Have Highbrow Porn, Will Travel / Violet Blue investigates CineKink, the X-rated Sundance at 7/10/2008 1:49 PM PDT

In one's widowful dottage, one hasn't the powers of concentration that one had as a tartly young dish. Nevertheless, when our manservant Randolph performs certain duties, concentration is hardly a problem! Why Mister Butt, I shall take the Fred Mertz comment in good humour. Really, I'm just a filthy rich old bat from a more pastoral era, and am quite aware that it shows.

Comment on: Have Highbrow Porn, Will Travel / Violet Blue investigates CineKink, the X-rated Sundance at 7/10/2008 1:38 PM PDT
Young Master Butt, my goodly parents named me "Urania" for the classical muse of the heavens. It is an antiquated name to be sure, but we are an antiquated dame, ho ho!
Comment on: Have Highbrow Porn, Will Travel / Violet Blue investigates CineKink, the X-rated Sundance at 7/10/2008 1:36 PM PDT
Mister Gaze, I blush with appreciation. You are quite kind, and we are enchanted to meet you! If this Snerdley fellow continues to annoy you, I shall pay ten brute ruffians to have a word with him!

ivabigun7/11/2008 10:46:51 AM

I was actually warming up for a story where people from the religious right could open up bars in which they could hang from crosses, and have waiters whirl the crosses around so they could "high five" each other (as people who drink have a tendancy to do, but wouldn't be able to since they are nailed to a cross) But just thinking about the cross gives me a shudder. My ma has 'em all over. When I was a kid, we were cutting through the churchyard at the end of Colleridge street and there was Christ hanging from a cross. They had made a little roof over His cross (because it was England, and didn't want Christ to get rained on because of the inclement weather) So all of a sudden a minister came out of the darkness...It still gives me a shiver to this day, 50 years later. I do think they shoud drop cross shaped munitions on the enemy in Afghanistan for instance. Since it's just an extension of the Crusades, a Holy War. Even drop the cross feet first so Christ's loin cloth would blow up!

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countess_urania's Comments Comment on: Totally Gay Happy Meals / It is the end of the nutball Christian right. Here is your proof. To go at 7/13/2008 11:59 AM PDT
One is diminished to have disappointed you, beezkneez_, but one is what one is. We can only hope to improve in one's assessment with the grace of passing time. May yours always be Arcadian and Idyllic in quality!

Comment on: Totally Gay Happy Meals / It is the end of the nutball Christian right. Here is your proof. To go at 7/13/2008 11:54 AM PDT
Good day to you too, Mister ivabigun. Ho ho, no, one is not quite elderly enough to remember Mister Oscar Wilde, although his savory collected works do grace our library, as bestowed to us in first editions by the dear departed Nan Kempner one lovely Christmas. Do kindly forgive the tardiness of our response to your electronic epistles. One only just now chanced upon them, and shall respond soon. For the time one is most amused by this parlor's ongoing chitter-chatter! There appear to be myriad witty and intellectually acute personages hereabouts, and a few ignominious rascals of petty mindedness as well. Quite the novel venue, this internet!

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View comment on: The 10 most awesome albums of 2009 / Also, the 25 best songs, all guaranteed to soothe the soul and make you howl at the moon at 12/18/2009 11:29 PM PST

Before she was so brutally transported to the afterlife by some unspeakable urchin our dear departed goddaughter Mistress Deborah did speak fondly of one chamber ensemble "Tool." Being of a certain age, we saw fit to inform the ebullient young lady that without the superbly artistic precedent of a certain crimson king, there would never have been any said "Tool" to be making such a raucous fuss about! Alas, the lesson did fall upon ears of tin. 'Tis was if we talked to the wind, but the wind did not hear.

View comment on: The 10 most awesome albums of 2009 / Also, the 25 best songs, all guaranteed to soothe the soul and make you howl at the moon at 12/18/2009 9:59 PM PST

Goodness we. Our fond acquaintances of many a decade Mister Gordon and Mrs. Anne shall not be pleased to learn of this dreadfully distasteful carpet bombing of this webbed site. The infernal concoction SPAM is far beneath their delicate palates and shall not be tolerated! In earnest we do wish that they should never come to learn of this horrific assault upon the goodly readers of the SF Gated community and House of Getty. The insolence!

View comment on: Oxford dictionary's word of the year: unfriend at 11/16/2009 7:19 PM PST

We at Villa Urania earnestly endeavor to arrive at a point of acceptance regarding the curious phrase "opposite married." We have hitherto found concise use of the word "married" to suffice, but hear tell of an attractive yet dissolute lass of stage and screen who has introduced this newly minted means of indicating matrimony to common tongue, and not wishing to seem any more antiquated than one may or may not be, duly do try to keep up with today's tiara'd debutantes.

View comment on: SFGate turns 15: A timeline at 11/3/2009 8:34 PM PST

Felicitations! Confetti! Let us adorn the halls with gaily colored bunting and ribbons upon the occasion of this crystal fifteenth anniversary!
This Gateway was early to Webbed table and did so well migrate the news of the day's Roman fonts from page of paper to page of Web as to have won the visitation of personages from well abroad of our bounteous Bay Area.
What a delight, a blessing at times mix'd, the sufferance of response and commentary from the ever-opinionated and frequently clever readership! With a sigh of propinquity we do recall the day when but one entertainingly irate Lanny Middings did write to The Editor with frequency. To-day, there are countless such earnest Lanny Middings venting spleen and ideal with oft-impassion'd candor hereabouts!
Fare thee well for the fifteen years hence and beyond, o golden Gate! Oro en paz, fierro en guerra!

View comment on: Hero teacher didn't have time to think at 8/25/2009 10:51 PM PDT

Oh we DO so adore a handsome hero! What is not to love?

View comment on: Judge sets January trial for Prop. 8 lawsuit at 8/21/2009 2:29 PM PDT

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View comment on: Judge sets January trial for Prop. 8 lawsuit at 8/19/2009 11:15 PM PDT

Dearest ducklings, fellow brothers and sisters in Christianity, various visitors and sundry speech-makers of San Francisco's Gate, do let us invoke the spirit of our civic namesake one Francisco di Assissi, Italia, who is sainted in the Roman tradition, and recognize the eternal Springtide of the bounteous blessings of matrimonial ardor among our endearingly talented, witty, creative and socially conscientious homo-sexual citizenry. For what conceivably goodly reason would Society and Free Republic deny them their rightful due? We have given extensive consideration to the objectionary protests thereof and thusly declare them ill-considered unneighborly poppycock, horsefeathers and balderdash relative to our Golden State, where gay fraternity and sorority that do indeed speak their name have gilded good Califia since at least the bullish lust for lucre of old 1849 if not longer!
Inasmuch as ye do oppress these the gayest of His beloved ducklings, ye do it unto Him!
Let us be kind.

View comment on: Obama birthers ate my love child! / The president is an alien! The Republican nutball fringe wants you! Apply now! at 7/29/2009 12:18 AM PDT

By the grace of the goodly heavens, we have only very recently come to terms with the presence of an acronym so inelegant as "MILF" as an acceptable figure of the common tongue. Must we so quickly upon the heels of that ghastly arriviste phrase's debut accept this new malapropism "birther" as the linguistic avatar of a most peculiarly malcontented tributary of inventive philosophy? In one's own day, that word, 'tho it did not properly exist, would have meant a "mother," a person who gives birth, be she human or beastly, and one shall never accept that a mother is one who invents farcically uncharitable parlor charades with intent to disrespect the office of our formidable and stately President!
One who gives birth does so best of love, never of ill will.

View comment on: Mormon 'kiss-in' in Utah leads to shouting match at 7/21/2009 11:02 PM PDT

We had temptation to curse one's own insomniac eve, yet serendipitously did chance upon this discussion parlor and were quite intrigued by the clever banter occurring herein. My goodness but you young ducklings keep the hours of a night owl!
If the Supreme Creator can said to be purest Love, are not the occasional excesses of Cupid's wily archery to be blushed away without undue alarm? Good heavens, a mere kiss, perhaps a surprisingly passionate one, but what bother? Why in the days of our youth, gentlemen exchanged fond kisses now and then and nothing scandalous was made of it, it was mere fraternity. In our dottage, we have come to understand that homosexuals are our equals in God's eyes and so should they be in the eyes of our greatest muse, Justice herself!
Kindly calm yourselves, officers of America's Great Salt Lake!

View comment on: Coalition of LGBT groups: Next year too soon for gay marriage vote in CA at 7/17/2009 11:47 AM PDT

For the love of the Heavens, do let them marry! Too long we have tarried on this matter. Our beloved homosexual brothers and sisters are a delight, a boon, scintillating gems in the treasure chests of Creation! Is their love less deserving than that of you or I? Not in the slightest measure.
Do unto others as ye would have them do unto you! And then do it again, ho ho!

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View comment on: Don't go, Sarah Palin! / A nation turns its lonely eyes to your ditzy insufferable ramblings at 7/10/2009 10:07 AM PDT

Dearest ursine acquaintance, truly you are a gentleman, and we are duly charmed. However, we have lived long enough to have heard it all, and to have seen a ribald thing or two, too!
How we should like to provide a proper spree of shopping for young Mrs. Palin, but alas, our furs languish in storage and there is so little to do in Alaska to keep one from jading. The poor dear would benefit greatly from a bit of prudent editing and guidance in matters of appropriate deportmen. Why, we have seen photographic images of the Governor wielding an enormous firearm while exhibiting virtually everything our Lord bestowed upon her physical form, covered hardly at all by a fabric derived from our glorious national flag! This hardly befits such a, a, such a *retiring* official.

View comment on: Don't go, Sarah Palin! / A nation turns its lonely eyes to your ditzy insufferable ramblings at 7/10/2009 9:57 AM PDT

Good heavens Mister Flynn Stone, in that case, perhaps there is yet Cupidic hope for a filthy rich old bat! Ho HO!

View comment on: Don't go, Sarah Palin! / A nation turns its lonely eyes to your ditzy insufferable ramblings at 7/10/2009 9:51 AM PDT

'Tho we are accustomed to that inevitable lingua non franca which prevents elder generations from fully comprehending the colloquies of the younger, too long has our curiosity been aroused to accommodate enduring ignorance, and thus we must inquire:
Whatever is a "milf" ?

View comment on: Church of England bishop says gays should 'repent' at 7/5/2009 8:47 PM PDT

Dearest Mrs. Solana you are so very kind and always have been. It is good to see you, too! We must away, as it is an old spinster's bed-time, but shall peacefully dream of bountiful cornucopiae of good health and happiness for you and Mister Paolo. Bless you!

View comment on: Church of England bishop says gays should 'repent' at 7/5/2009 8:28 PM PDT

Many a-moon a-go, my dear departed Baron von Urania and I did live for a time in Marlborough, and did at times attend service of Church of England. Splendid was the grandeur yet also austerity of their cathedrals, evocative of the orderly day of Mister Oliver Cromwell and Maestro Henry Purcell! Indeed our very wedding was officiated by a priest of the Anglican persuasion, known discreetly by all to be homosexual. Flamboyantly so, it must be said, and you know? The Baron and I adored him for it. He was a gentleman and a true Christian, admired by his doting flock and also other gentleman of similar instincts, if you know what we mean, ho ho!
Alas, we do not know what all this bother is about to-day! Is it no longer common knowledge that the Church of Old Henry is fraught with a lavender variety of fraternity, and if we may say so, sorority, too? We do not think it proper or goodly to persecute the gay folk. They are a delight, boon and a blessing bestowed upon us by the Creator!

View comment on: Maybe we got off on the wrong Gucci at 6/22/2009 1:32 PM PDT

Our fond acquaintances Elizabeth Reginae II of the United Kingdom and her betrothed Prince Philip have something profoundly effective to say about the nattering nabobs of negativity who do find occasion to degrade them: Absolutely nothing at all. They do not condescend to dignify the petty maledictions of their detractors with response or rebuttal. Perhaps there is an enduring bit of wisdom in this?

View comment on: Sanctuary city debate still in the mix at 6/17/2009 1:56 PM PDT

The Sanctuary City movement was started, as I recall, by well-intending religious organizations on the principle of offering refuge from persecution and poverty in the home countries of persons desperate enough to enter the USA illegally. However in the years since then it's become obvious to all that the status has been abused and misused by illegal immigrants and their protectors stateside at considerable cost. I simply don't see how the status can endure any claim of legality or legitimacy at this point. Moreover, *San Franciscans don't want it!* The nanny-like refusal of our city's "leaders" to do away with the failed program is unconscionable, given the bad news of the past year that we all know about in addition to the program's insult to legitimate citizens and legal immigrants.

View comment on: Enough of Sarah Palin, the victim at 6/17/2009 12:48 PM PDT

Many a moon a-go, we did wrap ourselves in ermine and mink in protection from chill elements and ventured forth unto the snowy permafrost and glacial grandeur of Grand Alaska, from whence we could see our Comrade Yuri 'cross nether border of yon Russian territories. Alas, young Sarah was as yet unwed to her Todd of clan Palin, 'tho she was heavy with child in advance of wedlock at the time. How like the mother is the daughter! 'Tis no joke, neither be it occasion for sermon on abstinential theme. Fallen, fallen is Babylon! In one's own day, the dressing of one's locks into a bun signified reserve, propinquity, feminine grace and demure countenance. However in these emboldened times buns are flaunted with such ebullient pugnacity! Good heavens, whatever is a "MILF?" Perhaps one would prefer not to know.

View comment on: Sarah Palin accepts David Letterman's apology at 6/17/2009 12:36 PM PDT

Dearest Eagle-eyed Thumbelina,
We are humbled by your request and shall duly honor it. Forgive us, for we had enjoined in your avian mirth in like good humor, and intended no offense.
Fly high, glorious hunter, and be not discouraged by the dirty birds hereabouts!
Truly yours,
The Widow and Countess Eugenia Urania

View comment on: Sarah Palin accepts David Letterman's apology at 6/17/2009 12:30 PM PDT

Squawk! The sky is falling! The sky is falling! Bigot bigot this, bigot bigot that. Squawk!

countess_urania's Comments

View comment on: FBI: Holocaust Museum suspect expected to survive at 6/10/2009 10:26 PM PDT

By the gilded pipes of Saint Cecilia's seminal organ, we do pray in earnest that one Mister Creepy Bobo does not play that dreadful Skrewdriver and Nordic Adolphian bruit upon his Grammophone!

View comment on: Miss California USA can keep crown, Trump decides at 5/14/2009 11:52 AM PDT

Dearest Lioness, as our beloved old friend Mister Samuel Clemens once penned, the coldest winters are summers spent in San Francisco, and accordingly we have arranged to pass the season at Hacienda de los Uranias in the verdant hills above sunny Puerto Vallerta in Mexico, but have been sternly advised by our doctors not to siesta thereabouts for the time being. Well horsefeathers say I! We shall away to our southern neighbor without fear of piggy malady! I do so love a stalwart margarita on a June afternoon, don't you? Ho ho and ay, ay, ay!

View comment on: Miss California USA can keep crown, Trump decides at 5/14/2009 11:24 AM PDT

Good heavens, how dreadfully unpleasant!

View comment on: Palace of Fine Arts offers peek at restoration at 5/9/2009 10:05 AM PDT

We do have the fondest of memories pertaining to the grand old Palace. 'Twas anno domini 1915 that my sisters and I did participate in a water pageant in the shadow of the great dome, the Arcadian likes of which are unseen in present milieu. I did portray the Dryad Urania, Queen of the Grecian Urn. My sister did play the Spring Nymph of Califia although there was a bit of an unseemly mishap with the train of her elaborately draped gown and a rather too earnest snapping turtle from the murky lagoon. Oh! How we do wish that you younger goslings could have seen the glittering grandeur of that wondrous faire! It was celestial, delightful, the resplendent jewel of the west! Alas to-day the closest thing to a water pageant to be seen are the dancing fountains of the dissolute oasis Las Vegas, 'tho nary a dryad is to be seen there, yet many a randy nymph and satyr, ho ho!

View comment on: Miss California's fate to be decided by Monday at 5/8/2009 12:36 PM PDT

Buona Mama Italia, long may she nurture Romulus and Remus!
Now as for young and tartly Miss Prejean, should her tiara (which we are advised is fabricated of rhinestone and silver-plated tin, good heavens!) be relinquished, we shall not be forthcoming to offer her one from our own sparkling collection. A true lady must earn her pate of jewels, and prejudicial pursuits are simply not the way!
Young Missy, make way for ducklings, or forever be regarded as a quack!

View comment on: Opponents challenging new Maine gay marriage law at 5/7/2009 3:35 PM PDT

Good Heavens! What an unconscionable perversion of the Word of the Lamb! Why, that man Mister Emrich, what a pallor! Was he prepared for photographer's lens by an embalmer? Get out into the sun, Brother Emrich, and for the love of our Lord Jesus Christ, do not persecute the liberties of our homosexual brothers and sisters!
Shoo!
And amen.

View comment on: Michelle Obama captivates glittery crowd in NYC at 5/5/2009 9:14 PM PDT

She is the toast of the world! A charming, intelligent, and motivated first lady. The nation is graced by her good example.

View comment on: Miss California's fate to be decided by Monday at 5/5/2009 8:07 PM PDT

QUITE forgetting his manners, VinceFoster did exclaim: "gay weddings are for loosers!!!"
Now you see here, dear sir. There is no reasonable cause to begin a sentence without capitalizing the first letter of the first word, neither should the maledictive epithet "loser" be misspelled as "looser" nor be there due cause to go lashing the exclamation point about as if one find one's self to be an excited dominatrix at the Faire of Folsom Street! Kindly do show more respect for the written word, and for heaven's sake, do not insult our friends in the homosexual community! Sir, your abuse of Her Majesty's Mother tongue is abuse enough!
Shoo!

View comment on: Comments on news stories a double-edged sword at 5/5/2009 7:49 PM PDT

We do so very much enjoy the commentary salons provided by this webbed site. Myriad colorful personages and personalities inhabit them, some notably talented in the ever fading art of conversation, and some gifted of swashbucklingly rapier wit. Bless the Blarney!
Then again we find ourselves aged beyond the contemporary colloquy and vernacular herein employed such that much of what is written cannot be duly deciphered!
How fleetingly the world passes by as one's dotage encroaches! Yet the simple pleasures of a bit of chit-chat with our darling young ducklings at the Gate of San Francisco do make the passing of time a splendid delight. For this we thank you!
Thank you!

View comment on: Comments on news stories a double-edged sword at 5/4/2009 4:38 PM PDT

We miss the 1915 Panama Pacific Exposition. What a faire that was!

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View comment on: Miss California to campaign against gay marriage at 5/1/2009 12:37 AM PDT

Oh we knew it well Mater Scribe, a lovely chapel and grounds indeed! Alas olde San Mateo ... a best-kept secret of midcentury California! Our little grandson Prentice Tyler-Saks von Urania und Thurn und Taxis was earnestly fond of the miniature locomotive that did circumscribe Central Park while we wandered in idyll among the lilies, bespotted coi and stone pagodas of the adjacent Japanese Gardens. San Mateo, star of the southerly lands!

View comment on: Miss California to campaign against gay marriage at 5/1/2009 12:25 AM PDT

We did once upon a time attend Mass at Saint Matthew's on the El Camino Real in San Mateo, California, when my dear Baron and I had a peninsular estate on Roehampton Road in Hillsborough, California. Alas it was faintly redolant of the nearby McDonald's. We were quite fond of the bouquets assembled at the propinquitous florist Ah Sam also of olden El Camino Real, the Podesta Baldocchi of the Peninsula in those times and also their myriad multifaceted tannenbaums at Yule.

View comment on: The Right goes insane / Evil overlords to flaccid clowns in the blink of Jesus' eye. Adorable! at 4/30/2009 10:29 PM PDT

Gracious we, do not today's Young Republicans know that the best tea comes from tins, not bags? Alas, if they've a tin ear to such meaningful subtleties, is it any wonder that they have otherwise gone quite insane? Why must Mister Beck scream so? Has some Mad Hatter infused his high tea with mercury?

View comment on: Survey shows why Americans change religions at 4/28/2009 12:42 AM PDT

So! We are not alone in noting the grandeur of our great bay's leviathan? We do so adore the venerable Very Large Fish of our San Francisco Bay! Never did an Alioto's or Trader Vic's harbor such a maritime enormity, ever less an Aqua or Farralon. While we of proper Christian sensibility are taught to follow the Carpenter Fisherman, we do sense no harm in occasionally floundering in the gentle waters of the Tremendous Fishy Carp as well, if only for the halibut, ho ho!

View comment on: Pageant PR rep accuses Miss California of lying at 4/27/2009 6:53 PM PDT

Tsk, tsk young tart! Self-serving dishonesty is a sin!

View comment on: Presbyterians reject gay clergy, but vote closer at 4/25/2009 6:45 PM PDT

Far be it from this aged Christian lady to speak ill of her fellow lambs in most cases, but to one's mind, when votes are taken to exclude fellow Christians from serving clergy and laity, matters have gone dreadfully amiss. How gravely the flock has strayed from the loving and tolerant words of the shepherd!
An agreement to serve as a goodly Christian in the spirit set forth by the Nazarene gentleman in whose name we worship should suffice. It is told that brother Jesus did intercede on behalf of those whom the sanctimonious mob judged unjustly. It is his example that we should follow, not the prejudicial whims of the bitterly hardened heart.
Be of good cheer and endure, gay children, for behold, you are loved as equals in the kingdom of heaven, and shall prevail in the fulfillment of times!

you are quite the randy cad!
Comment on: Have Highbrow Porn, Will Travel / Violet Blue investigates CineKink, the X-rated Sundance at 7/10/2008 1:30 PM PDT
Why would a gentleman want to slap such a handsome young man such as yourself, Mister Gaze? Why, this Mister Snerdley must be no gentleman at all!
Comment on: Have Highbrow Porn, Will Travel / Violet Blue investigates CineKink, the X-rated Sundance at 7/10/2008 1:15 PM PDT
Oh ho HO! You charming young people do amuse us so in these commentary parlors. Nigh the time has come for a proper introduction if you would be so kind as to allow one the indulgence. We are the Widow and Countess Eugenia von Urania, and are charmed to meet each of you. We must thank you for the mirth you do provide. Thank you.
Comment on: 4 out of 5 sunscreens inadequate, study finds at 7/10/2008 12:05 PM PDT
It has been our providence to enjoy a proper sunscreen in a concoction of finely strained essence of cucumber infused with an emulsion of fois gras (duck, not goose,) bouquet garni, and Andean cocoa butter. When applied in an even layer, this rich melange does block the deleterious desiccating rays of the sun in such a manner that no bothersome age spots need be feared. We do thank Doctor Brunno von Ristow of San Francisco for sharing the secret of this protective elixir!
Comment on: Rove ignores subpoena, refuses to testify on Hill at 7/10/2008 11:55 AM PDT
Tsk! Tsk! Tsk! Mister Rove! Step up and face your obligations to the nation. Society does not approve of this willy nilly dilly dally. Not one bit sir! Why, I've a mind to speak to Mister George Schultz about this pernicious scallywaggery!

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wrote: countess_urania wrote:

Why no dear lad, I've never been known as "ludd." My stars in heaven, that footage to which you'd linked us! That garish woman surely needs to invest in a finer calibre of photographer, and must needs be reminded to always lock the door when pork-rinding in a public water closet!
7/13/2008 5:37 PM PDT
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One's August Father
by countess_urania
One's own beloved father, his Crown Eminence, Prince Viktor Alessandro der Esterhazy von Herz und Mund und Tat und Leben of Moldavia, circa 1920. One does remember Daddy's fetching fez and all the honorific gingerbread of his martial sartorial splendidry so very well!

Comment on: Totally Gay Happy Meals / It is the end of the nutball Christian right. Here is your proof. To go at 7/13/2008 11:59 AM PDT
One is diminished to have disappointed you, beezkneez_, but one is what one is. We can only hope to improve in one's assessment with the grace of passing time. May yours always be Arcadian and Idyllic in quality!
Comment on: Totally Gay Happy Meals / It is the end of the nutball Christian right. Here is your proof. To go at 7/13/2008 11:54 AM PDT
Good day to you too, Mister ivabigun. Ho ho, no, one is not quite elderly enough to remember Mister Oscar Wilde, although his savory collected works do grace our library, as bestowed to us in first editions by the dear departed Nan Kempner one lovely Christmas. Do kindly forgive the tardiness of our response to your electronic epistles. One only just now chanced upon them, and shall respond soon. For the time one is most amused by this parlor's ongoing chitter-chatter! There appear to be myriad witty and intellectually acute personages hereabouts, and a few ignominious rascals of petty mindedness as well. Quite the novel venue, this internet!

ivabigun7/16/2008 8:25:51 AM

One thing about this contraption is...what if a guy had one of these installed. Then the guy died, and his body was used in that "BodyWorld" show. With the pump still installed. Then some other galoot walked by and accidentaly bumped his garage door opener,and turned on the remote controll pump and the body in the "Body World " suddenly started getting an erection? And what if the pump wouldn't turn off and sucked the whole body into the pump and pumped it into a gigantic erection?

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claudebottom7/16/2008 8:53:13 AM

This could have an industrial use which might offset the cost for human use. In the artificial insemination field, it would be more convenient to be able to press a button on a remote labled "erection" and then "ejaculate" rather than having to manhandle (Or womanhandle) one of those whopping great penises. Unless you are in pretty good physical condition, it's asking for a heart attack trying to get one of the horse, or rhinnocerous penisses to ejaculate, and what about an elephant...that's really asking for trouble? So with this remote controll gadget, You can eliminate the human intervention, plus not have a two ton animal writhing in ecstasy, with the risk injuring itself or its object of affection. That's just the horses! With an elephant,forget about it! It's almost like being attacked by some legless aligator from Chernobyl!

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miraclek77/16/2008 3:23:26 PM

Iva and Stan, some very plausible ideas you are bringing forth. Countess, I do have contact with some very talented and reliable spiritualists should you need to converse with the other side. I, myself, have been known to conjure persons of the deceased demeanor: also tarot reader and astrologer to paupers.

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countess_urania7/16/2008 3:19:33 PM

Thank you dear Mister ivabigun for your kind advice. I have just finished speaking with Mrs. Joan Quigley, who informed us that she can only provide insight of an astrological variety, not insight into the state of the departed. It had occurred to me that a talented Medium might offer some communion with my dear departed Baron, although upon further reflection, I believe I shall wait for my own inevitable transport to speak again to he. Oh! These temporary bouts of loneliness do inspire the silliest whims! I do not know what I was thinking, and shall courier an ermine stole to Mrs. Quigley for so foolishly miscalculating her peculiar talents. Bless you dear boy, you are so very kind to offer assistance.

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The Remote Control Penis

ivabigun7/16/2008 3:08:13 PM

I think Countess, you should try to get in touch with a Voodoo (or Hoodoo) practitioner,the reason being the present administration has moved the stars out of allignment so much, you will need to have your JohnDe'Conqueroo working just to give any kind of reality a nudge. I have seen a lot of references just playing on the internet about thr zombies...willing zombies, who want to go into a false death for a year and make a come back later...Just as a way of avoiding that dreaded appointment with Doctor Kavorkian! After seeing their lifes investments go down the sewer of life due to the skill of the banking industry. If you ever make contact with the other side, check with Elvis to get Doctor Chris's phone number. I'd like to make a bid on the King's surplus medicine supply. Just to bolster me till the economy comes back! I also wanted to avoid "Tic De La Rou" somtimes associated with these powerful Voodoo (some people say Hoodoo) spells and enchantments.

Recommend: (0)(0)[Report Abuse]stantheology7/16/2008 2:51:23 PM

I should like to explore the possibility of getting a gadget like that installed in my head.The reason is ,then one could become the greatest Cyrano De Bergerac impersinator in history,and still live a normal life when not impersinating. The only drawback migt be if one was in Silicon Valley,which is laden with many an electronic contraption. The fear being that one might be on the bus or train commuting to work and some lazer beam or other might cause the Cyrano De Bergerac nose to deploy, making fellow commuters think they were, halucinating, having a flashback due to the sacramental mushrooms they had munched in the late 1960s. The bionic penis and nose installation may give the patient an unfair advantage if he were employed in the "Hospitality Industry" and I think Doctor eurologists should consider this.

Recommend

ivabigun7/16/2008 3:08:13 PM

I think Countess, you should try to get in touch with a Voodoo (or Hoodoo) practitioner,the reason being the present administration has moved the stars out of allignment so much, you will need to have your JohnDe'Conqueroo working just to give any kind of reality a nudge. I have seen a lot of references just playing on the internet about thr zombies...willing zombies, who want to go into a false death for a year and make a come back later...Just as a way of avoiding that dreaded appointment with Doctor Kavorkian! After seeing their lifes investments go down the sewer of life due to the skill of the banking industry. If you ever make contact with the other side, check with Elvis to get Doctor Chris's phone number. I'd like to make a bid on the King's surplus medicine supply. Just to bolster me till the economy comes back! I also wanted to avoid "Tic De La Rou" somtimes associated with these powerful Voodoo (some people say Hoodoo) spells and enchantments.

Recommend

stantheology7/16/2008 2:51:23 PM

I should like to explore the possibility of getting a gadget like that installed in my head.The reason is ,then one could become the greatest Cyrano De Bergerac impersinator in history,and still live a normal life when not impersinating. The only drawback migt be if one was in Silicon Valley,which is laden with many an electronic contraption. The fear being that one might be on the bus or train commuting to work and some lazer beam or other might cause the Cyrano De Bergerac nose to deploy, making fellow commuters think they were, halucinating, having a flashback due to the sacramental mushrooms they had munched in the late 1960s. The bionic penis and nose installation may give the patient an unfair advantage if he were employed in the "Hospitality Industry" and I think Doctor eurologists should consider this.

Recommend

stantheology7/16/2008 7:56:24 PM

xocon...I loved that flick.Tears were running down my swarthy mug. So good, So good. So if you dig historical stuff,search for 'celts romans.'..it's fun and tells of how the Romans got a cano' whoop ass opened on'em when they first met the Celts, during the begining of the Roman state[The Celts told the Roman envoys that] this was indeed the first time they had heard of them, but they assumed the Romans must be a courageous people because it was to them that the [Etruscans] had turned to in their hour of need. And since the Romans had tried to help with an embassy and not with arms, they themselves would not reject the offer of peace, . www.ibiblio.org/gaelic/celts.html - 13k.... try that. It 'sworth the effort! THe web adress is the source of this fun information I also liked Crow in 'Master and Commander' but check out the Roman stuff, it's really satisfying!

The Remote Control Penis

miraclek77/16/2008 4:44:21 PM

Stan, I don't know if the zulu vocalizations will do for a teen, but I've been know to yell "DUDE" at my son before I rip into him; he, of course, knows what's coming...

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The Remote Control Penis

stantheology7/16/2008 4:18:50 PM

Just as an aside, the magnificent vocalisations by the Zulu warriors, in the movie "Zulu" which will make you hair stand on end ,I guarontee, was also admired by the maker of the movie "Gladiator" starring Russel Crow. In the scene where the Romans are about to attack the Germanic tribes, the Romans are also vocalising, to raise their spirits for the ensueing slaughter. If you pay attention, you will hear a" sample"of the Zulus Roaring with the Romans. It's art. it goes beyond the limit of what it is.!You will dig it!

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stantheology7/16/2008 4:03:01 PM

I have to go to the library and return my Miss Marple DVDs.

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Stan Balabuszko
show details 7/16/08

The Remote Control Penis

stantheology7/16/2008 9:42:44 AM

Then again, these pump equiped animal penises might end up at the Beijing Penis Emporium for your cooking and viewing pleasure. And just as a group of nuns from the United Nations or perhaps Olympics visitors walks by and someone bumps their garage door opener and immediately, you have a bunch of penises writhing in ecstacy, in plain view of everyone, not even at an adult book store, and it all gets videoed and ends up on You Tube or some venue like that,and tourism in China immediatly increases and the frade deficite gets worse.

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hughjasse7/4/2008 6:23:05 AM

i found that during the time of the rebelion of the slave "spartacus", there was a bump in the vulture population of southern italy. naturally we must attribute this to the excessive amount of food available to these vultures, since there were thousands of the escaped slave "spartacus'"followers.(hanging from crosses) . so that like nowadays, the increase in bird population was due to human intervention. ( from the department of stanthropology, stanord university)

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ivabigun7/4/2008 5:56:00 AM

if you add 2'a's to stan, you get satan, or insstead of "stanthology" ... you get "satanthology" which is cloe to "satantheology" ... and you know how stanthology was always going on about codes? well if sf gate hadn't taken his lifes work off this post thingie, you'd have noticed he always put dots betwen his thoughts...remember three dots is morse code for "s" ...the antichrist!

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ivabigun7/3/2008 10:23:33 PM

so zee beret, zee sunglasses, zee bongo drums. not really zat appropriate for a men henging from zee cross , iz eet?

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ivabigun7/19/2008 4:29:56 PM

I still say you alternative sex galoots are not organised like you should be. 10% of the population should have more political power than y'awwl demonstrate.

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ubernun7/19/2008 4:24:36 PM

I think Random Acts is Carl Rove.

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ivabigun7/19/2008 4:19:39 PM

malfouka, I say, you have some interesting stuff to look at! Very original and fun.

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Likely voters oppose marriage initiative

ivabigun7/19/2008 2:54:47 PM

The German s are exporting a few electric powered autos.They stopped exporting war. It was an unsustainable product line.They are big in the photo voltaic products too,also wind.

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This comment was left by a user who has been blocked by an SFGate editor.
ivabigun7/19/2008 2:48:10 PM

Liquiffy the methane gas emanating from sewage treatment plants. Then you could describe your BMW as being a three turd power car.

Likely voters oppose marriage initiative
Fifty-one percent of likely voters in the state oppose Proposition 8 on the November ballot, a constitutional amendment that bans same-sex marriage by defining marriage as only between a man and woman, according to a...
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Add Your Comment
ubernun7/20/2008 12:43:56 AM

Oh, and I could tell itsy was Rudy - who else could it be? - and I know Rudy's son is not related to Rudy and he's probably passed out by now also. Rudy's neighbor may actually be Rudy's neighbor.

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ubernun7/20/2008 12:37:34 AM

Random Acts of Bigotry and bluesdoctor should stop cutting and pasting. Olddawg has passed out by now and ramon's family is sweet. I'm back. Ubernun's position: One doesn't have to be Black or Gay to be on the right side of a civil rights issue.

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malfouka7/19/2008 10:30:01 PM

Re: legalized prostitution. The only way I would support legalized prostitution is: 1. the "pimp" aspect was removed and criminalized 2. prostitutes, like others in certain public-service settings, must undergo annual health screenings and tests 3. Street prostitution be either not allowed or only allowed in certain areas so as to insure that minors and "sex slaves" are protected. It's not a moral issue for me. I just worry about the disease, the forced prostitution, and the violence issues.

Recommend: (2)(0)[Report Abuse]

malfouka7/19/2008 10:01:16 PM

old_dawg~ Re: "normal." If a certain percentage of any animal population consistently shows a certain trait over thousands of years, that trait is normal. For example, it is estimated that only about 13% of the human population is (and scientifically, has been) left-handed [and as a quick aside, being left-handed was once considered a mark of evil, and etc, and many, if not most children were forced to use their right hand] yet being left-handed is a normal human trait. Same thing with hetero- AND homo- sexuality. The fact is, you don't like what gay folks do in their bedrooms (and in YOUR perversity, use these lurid images to deny equal rights). In order to justify your position, you resort to faulty logic and the use of terms such as "normal."

Recommend: (2)(2)[Report Abuse]

malfouka7/19/2008 9:31:37 PM

oldowg1945 says: "I raised four girls, nothing scares me" ----- oh goddess, you've procreated!

Recommend: (2)(2)[Report Abuse]

malfouka7/19/2008 9:26:57 PM

oldowg1945~"we, the normal heterosexuals"? You and your bigoted, non-thinking, and unintelligent ilk are so far from "normal" it's stupid.

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ivabigun7/19/2008 9:18:55 PM

When you consider that first ,the church said "the Earth is flat" and threatenen to bake Galileo to a golden brown unless he re-considered his speculation that the Earth is round. After gold was discovered the church said "we changed our mind" ...Now, after years of "Flaming poofters are bad" and it comes to pass, that there are lots of child molesteres in the church, and it's costing the church a lot of that gold,perhaps the church is afraid that its perch on the moral high ground of civilisation might get eroded slightly if the church said "you know , all that fudge packing we were saying is a sin, well we changed our mind!And it's just fun after all!" I personally think, that the people of America should learn to keep their extra long,prying, controlling noses out of other peoples sexuality,and focus on the disastrous economy. People should try to think up products to export,instead of war,and war machines. The Germans did after WW2, and they're doing well. Hi everybody

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cthulu7/19/2008 9:04:49 PM

Gosh, imagine the shock when you lose in November....who knew

Recommend: (1)(1)[Report Abuse]

bluesdoctor7/19/2008 8:57:11 PM

Look at the fine print. Folks were pollled by phone. Who picks up for strangers and who, even more tellingly, agrees to give up their time to strangers on the phone for a survey? Answer: small children, those with the IQ of small children, & those in jail with nothing else to do.

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miraclek77/19/2008 8:52:33 PM

Ramon, bless you and your family....

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ramon3667/19/2008 8:41:48 PM

I'm going to use this forum to step up to the plate and brag about my now-deceased parents. Many posters claim that this is a generational issue - that may be true, but it isn't ironclad. My mother was born in 1913 in Latin America and she and my dad were totally accepting of gay men & women. They saw thru the bigotry and the twisted agenda of people who pretended to know God's mind on various topics. There was never a peep of protest from clergy when they sat shoulder to elbow with my parent's gay guests, godchildren, etc., and they had no tolerance for the fire and brimstone crowd who shied away from tackling the tough issues in life - gay marriage and love not being one of them. It's starting to sound trite, but if you disapprove of gay marriage, don't have one! The christian-Taliban needs to tackle that true threat to marriage - divorce.

Recommend: (6)(2)[Report Abuse]

jwoode7/19/2008 8:36:52 PM

Random acts.. as a Darwinist, how do you explain the growing acceptance of gay people in societies as evidenced by the increasing number of countries where it has become an accepted way of life? Where it is growing both in literature and in popular entertainment? It would seem that the evolution of human thinking is leaving your mindset in the dust. None too soon for my taste either which brings me to another point. You wonder why gay males react with "harsh venom" to female posters like yourself... isn't that a bit like the pot calling the kettle black when you consider that virtually every single post you make drips venom? You, mister.. yes I believe you to be male, are becoming extinct. Now quick.. go fetch something snide from your collection to cut and paste into a post.. wouldn't want to trouble you to think.

Recommend: (3)(0)[Report Abuse]

beezkneez_7/19/2008 8:28:00 PM

I agree. No pimp. This is a business transction between consenting adults. It's no one else's business, church or gov't. Period.

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Likely voters oppose marriage initiative

ivabigun7/20/2008 3:14:27 PM

The situation has been exacerbated by the elimination of hunchback-studies programs at many technical colleges. Since 1990, the number of schools offering a two-year hunchbacking degree has dropped from 492 to 39, leaving many mad scientists without much-needed grotesque lab assistants. source: the onion

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Likely voters oppose marriage initiative

Likely voters oppose marriage initiative
Fifty-one percent of likely voters in the state oppose Proposition 8 on the November ballot, a constitutional amendment that bans same-sex marriage by defining marriage as only between a man and woman, according to a...
Read Full Story
Sort Comments by: Oldest First | Newest First
Add Your Comment
ubernun7/20/2008 12:43:56 AM

Oh, and I could tell itsy was Rudy - who else could it be? - and I know Rudy's son is not related to Rudy and he's probably passed out by now also. Rudy's neighbor may actually be Rudy's neighbor.

Recommend: (1)(0)[Report Abuse]

ubernun7/20/2008 12:37:34 AM

Random Acts of Bigotry and bluesdoctor should stop cutting and pasting. Olddawg has passed out by now and ramon's family is sweet. I'm back. Ubernun's position: One doesn't have to be Black or Gay to be on the right side of a civil rights issue.

Recommend: (2)(0)[Report Abuse]

malfouka7/19/2008 10:30:01 PM

Re: legalized prostitution. The only way I would support legalized prostitution is: 1. the "pimp" aspect was removed and criminalized 2. prostitutes, like others in certain public-service settings, must undergo annual health screenings and tests 3. Street prostitution be either not allowed or only allowed in certain areas so as to insure that minors and "sex slaves" are protected. It's not a moral issue for me. I just worry about the disease, the forced prostitution, and the violence issues.

Recommend: (2)(0)[Report Abuse]

malfouka7/19/2008 10:01:16 PM

old_dawg~ Re: "normal." If a certain percentage of any animal population consistently shows a certain trait over thousands of years, that trait is normal. For example, it is estimated that only about 13% of the human population is (and scientifically, has been) left-handed [and as a quick aside, being left-handed was once considered a mark of evil, and etc, and many, if not most children were forced to use their right hand] yet being left-handed is a normal human trait. Same thing with hetero- AND homo- sexuality. The fact is, you don't like what gay folks do in their bedrooms (and in YOUR perversity, use these lurid images to deny equal rights). In order to justify your position, you resort to faulty logic and the use of terms such as "normal."

Recommend: (2)(2)[Report Abuse]

malfouka7/19/2008 9:31:37 PM

oldowg1945 says: "I raised four girls, nothing scares me" ----- oh goddess, you've procreated!

Recommend: (2)(2)[Report Abuse]

malfouka7/19/2008 9:26:57 PM

oldowg1945~"we, the normal heterosexuals"? You and your bigoted, non-thinking, and unintelligent ilk are so far from "normal" it's stupid.

Recommend: (2)(2)[Report Abuse]

ivabigun7/19/2008 9:18:55 PM

When you consider that first ,the church said "the Earth is flat" and threatenen to bake Galileo to a golden brown unless he re-considered his speculation that the Earth is round. After gold was discovered the church said "we changed our mind" ...Now, after years of "Flaming poofters are bad" and it comes to pass, that there are lots of child molesteres in the church, and it's costing the church a lot of that gold,perhaps the church is afraid that its perch on the moral high ground of civilisation might get eroded slightly if the church said "you know , all that fudge packing we were saying is a sin, well we changed our mind!And it's just fun after all!" I personally think, that the people of America should learn to keep their extra long,prying, controlling noses out of other peoples sexuality,and focus on the disastrous economy. People should try to think up products to export,instead of war,and war machines. The Germans did after WW2, and they're doing well. Hi everybody

Recommend: (0)(2)[Report Abuse]

cthulu7/19/2008 9:04:49 PM

Gosh, imagine the shock when you lose in November....who knew

Recommend: (1)(1)[Report Abuse]

bluesdoctor7/19/2008 8:57:11 PM

Look at the fine print. Folks were pollled by phone. Who picks up for strangers and who, even more tellingly, agrees to give up their time to strangers on the phone for a survey? Answer: small children, those with the IQ of small children, & those in jail with nothing else to do.

Recommend: (3)(3)[Report Abuse]

miraclek77/19/2008 8:52:33 PM

Ramon, bless you and your family....

Recommend: (0)(0)[Report Abuse]

ramon3667/19/2008 8:41:48 PM

I'm going to use this forum to step up to the plate and brag about my now-deceased parents. Many posters claim that this is a generational issue - that may be true, but it isn't ironclad. My mother was born in 1913 in Latin America and she and my dad were totally accepting of gay men & women. They saw thru the bigotry and the twisted agenda of people who pretended to know God's mind on various topics. There was never a peep of protest from clergy when they sat shoulder to elbow with my parent's gay guests, godchildren, etc., and they had no tolerance for the fire and brimstone crowd who shied away from tackling the tough issues in life - gay marriage and love not being one of them. It's starting to sound trite, but if you disapprove of gay marriage, don't have one! The christian-Taliban needs to tackle that true threat to marriage - divorce.

Recommend: (6)(2)[Report Abuse]

jwoode7/19/2008 8:36:52 PM

Random acts.. as a Darwinist, how do you explain the growing acceptance of gay people in societies as evidenced by the increasing number of countries where it has become an accepted way of life? Where it is growing both in literature and in popular entertainment? It would seem that the evolution of human thinking is leaving your mindset in the dust. None too soon for my taste either which brings me to another point. You wonder why gay males react with "harsh venom" to female posters like yourself... isn't that a bit like the pot calling the kettle black when you consider that virtually every single post you make drips venom? You, mister.. yes I believe you to be male, are becoming extinct. Now quick.. go fetch something snide from your collection to cut and paste into a post.. wouldn't want to trouble you to think.

Recommend: (3)(0)[Report Abuse]

beezkneez_7/19/2008 8:28:00 PM

I agree. No pimp. This is a business transction between consenting adults. It's no one else's business, church or gov't. Period.

Recommend: (4)(1)[Report Abuse]

Prostitution measure makes in onto S.F. ballot

ivabigun7/20/2008 4:44:54 PM

If you need "The Untoucnables" doesn't that imply the rest of the cops are on the take? If the cops are on the take, doesn't that imply there's an un-reasonable law, that nobody believes in on the books. A law that enables mobsters, thugs , all the people in the legal industry (the people that make the rules) to make a mountain of money.

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Likely voters oppose marriage initiative

ivabigun7/20/2008 5:11:18 PM

My daughter had a ferret. It was a formidable little brute. It stole many socks and hid 'em in a pile.

YURI NAHL IN DEEP DE-MIND CONTROL THERAPY AND HOW THE DEVIOUS HORSES AND MOMO HYPNOTIZED YURI NAHL ALSO THEIR PLANS FOR STARDOM

Comrades, you will please excuse sudden and unexplained absence. I, Yuri Nahl was in deep "de-mind control therapy". Because of the astute and observant Mr.Boondoggle, who noticed that the world-renowned black dog, the Afghan hound Momo, had let the hair on the side of his eyes grow long, he was able to extrapolate or infer that Momo was hypnotizing me every time he thought no one was watching. It was determined that he was beaming "mind-control rays" at me , so as to make me enter a partial "Voodoo trance".

Upon realizing these facts, I was removed to a dog and horse free location, where I would be safe from "mind-melding" by four legged animals. (even though they were not cloven hoofed, and the minions of the "Fiend of Hell")

The horses were moved to a new location in the pasture right by the foundry and supplied with a tent, their wide screen TV, a supply of their special smelly hay they had ordered on the Internet with the voice actuated keyboard, and the pirated video files from Parkland College in Illinois, USA, which showed horses mating. (somehow they had hacked into the Veterinary School files and thought these videos were "horse xxx pornos")(They were also selling the videos on eBay)

Now while I was isolated in safety and not susceptible to the horse "hypnosis rays", the nerds looked around the horses stalls. There the nerds found , (1) a wireless keyboard, voice activated, (2) LCD photo frames, with the dog Momo and the four horses on them, in head on poses looking intense, (3) wireless connections to hook up the horses electronic contraptions to the foundry computer system, (4) evidence of code in the foundry computer, suggesting the horses had set up some hidden operation of their own, which was invisible, unless nerds were looking for it. (5) miniature CSTV cameras, (6) another LCD picture frame set up as a TV monitor.

Using nerd mind power, the significance of the stealthy computer code was determined. It was shown that when I Yuri Nahl was in the foundry, The horses would be observing me with the miniature closed circuit TV camera, and then, using a camera in each horse stall, beam "mind control rays " at me, using the LCD photo frames as a medium. Whereas, most people think that two live mammals have to be physically present in the same location to do hypnosis, this is not correct. A reasonable facsimile will suffice, such as the live picture frame LCD horse "photos" . If I were to look at the "horse photos," (which were supposedly for my benefit) they would stand really still. Except I seem to have a recollection of a fly drifting by in one of the photos one day, but it just didn't register in my mind, as I was probably partially under control of their "enchantment" or "spell".

These clever animals had a "flash drive" type system in their hacked foundry computer, from which they played "mind control" images, and murmurings, sort of like Jane Fonda exercise videos. Integral to this was an automatic motion detector even including face recognition software which they had apparently stolen out of an anti terrorist surveillance gadget at San Francisco airport. They used this to stop the murmuring and focused energy rays if I was looking at their photos. At that time they looked docile and relaxed, as if they had just munched an extra helping of their special smelly hay. Which made them drowsy. They would then watch "Mr. Ed" videos, or get giant boners, sometimes both.

These "fake LCD photograph mind control weapons" were constantly working, so there was no escaping the beams of energy. If Mr.Boondoggle had not noticed my symptoms, there's no telling what might have happened, but I suspect it would have had something to do with attractive female horses. This "horse love" was their downfall. Dobbin had been composing a love sonnet to a female horse pen pal he had been working on and forgot to encrypt it, There it was in plain text just by coincidence at the time when the nerds were doing their forensic code analysis. This "love poem" tipped the other horses off about Dobbin's "love monopoly" and they wanted in. They checked on eBay to see if the stuffed Trigger (Roy Roger's horse) was up for bid, so they could use it as a "sex toy" .

Much horse strategy had been planned, including their film careers.

Momo sugested that they reprise the "Mr. Ed " show with Dobbin playing "Mr. Ed" as the original "Mr.Ed" had passed over. They were planning on using Mr.Boondoggle as "Wilbur" since the original actor, was 90.

Much planning had gone on, led by the incomparable Momo. Due to his penchant for history, Momo had read of the British Raj in India, (the "Jewel in the Crown" of the British Empire). He had relations in Afghanistan, who had communicated with elephants whose relations , ancestors had been of service to the British during the time of the Raj.

They had many interesting tales, some of which had never been told before. For example, After hearing of the exploits of Katherine the Great of Russia's love of using horse semen for a restorative skin balm, British women who had accompanied their husbands to India , to educate and evangelize the heathens had started to use this "semen therapy" to fight the rapid skin ageing due to the hot climate. They also seemed to enjoy practicing newly learned "love skills " taught them by the Indian women who were not repressed like the British.

This learning was facilitated by the two foot long penises of the stallions, because during "sex class" six or so British ladies could participate in the learning process (of penis rubbing) at one time which allowed larger classes and sped up the learning process. This also helped the British women to overcome their Puritan upbringing, and to getting used to a horse ejaculating into their rectums (for a therapeutic semen enema).

Previously they had utilized the penis of a "house boy." (switching to "stallion penis rubbing" helped fan the flames of the "mutiny" as these "house boys" had gotten used to the British women practicing fellatio, hand stimulation, sodomy, and various other "marital skill practices" listed in the "Kama Sutra" utilizing their stiff young extra long, (and sometimes even really thick penises). This made the job as a "house boy" much sought after.

The use of the semen which the women had ejaculated onto their faces and bosoms by their house boys, was also a blessing in that, the dubious expensive lotions lotions were not needed.

Now the Indian climate is very hot , and this led to a "fly problem". Fortuitously, it was discovered that dousing oneself with horse urine was an excellent "fly repellent". Later, it was also found that elephant urine was just as good, but could be harvested in greater abundance. (Although harvesting "elephant urine" was a decidedly more risky endeavor since the elephants sometimes mistook this "elephant penis aiming" for a "light wiener rub" and when their penises became turgid, a chap could easily get crushed, or knocked into the "urine collecting vessel" and drown in a distasteful manner.

The Indian women cleverly started laying off the "house boys" who had previously just spent the day drinking tea and showering the British ladies with urine and semen. Needless to say, this also contributed to the "mutiny."

Through his Afghan hound contacts who consulted with elephant friends they had, (and remember, elephants have good memories,) it was learned that the British soldiers started allowing the elephants to defaecate on them so as to darken their skin while they were spying, or trying to get jobs as house boys, so they could ejaculate and urinate on the British ladies, (although not necessarily in that order) as they could not do this while in Britain, as polite society frowned upon it. After being defaecated on, the house boys had to massage the excrement into the British soldiers skin, whereas before, they massaged their semen into the skin of the breasts of the ladies. (this undoubtedly contributed to "the mutiny".)

This horse and elephant urine, ejaculate, and excrement therapy, (not well known in the rest of the world), was still practiced in India as the therapeutic effects were still known to foreign stars of film and stage who's skin was under the scrutiny of the public. Spas were opened in towns with film studios. These became known as "One and Two Spas" in the jargon of the milieu. (For obvious reasons.) Many a guffaw or chortle was had by the local "urine, feces, and semen technicians", because they knew the therapy was of dubious value.

Now that the exposition of motivating forces has been done, we shall follow the story as it unfolds. (With a sort of "Prequel")

It was Momo, (the world renowned Afghan hound) who suggested to the horses that they communicate through "Wilbur" (Wilbur Post played by Alan Young) as he was thoroughly familiar with "horse to human" and "human to horse" dialects, and even "backward speaking dialect", and had in fact just finished a lucrative contract assisting the publishers of "Cliff's Notes" suitable for college students, as the study of the "Mr Ed" series was at last being recognized as an important facet of modern culture, and as such, many students were trying to find ways to assist themselves understand this important topic. Several dissertations were floating around on the Internet but were mere shallow glances. (not even considered to be "outlines" by the cognoscenti!) of a piece of modern culture which has been compared with "Ulysses" by James Joyce.

Alan Young (Wilbur) agreed to communicate with the horses. He stipulated that (1) He would only communicate using closed circuit TV. (2) He would be given sunglasses of the type used to observe the Trinity A-Bomb Test at the Alamogordo Test Range. This of course was to defend his eyes from any "mind control beams" emanating from the horses and their adviser, Momo. (3) He be equipped with a "dead-man" switch, which if he let go of it, would shut down the TV cameras and monitor, and in this way protect him from energy rays or hypnosis. Alan Young was familiar with "human whispering" as practiced by some horses, and when detected could counter it with "horse whispering".

Now at this time, it was decided (by the horses) to erect a tent over the horses communal stall, (where they puffed that peculiar pipe made from a five candle candelabra modified to their specifications.) Also peculiar was the smell of the tobacco they smoked. They seemed to like puffing the smelly hay they had ordered off the Internet using the voice controlled keyboard and sometimes pretending to be Steven Hawkins. They always needed time to recover from the choking and whinnying which sometimes resembled laughter. This decision was actually complying with a formal request emailed by the horses.

Now this was the time when the plan of the world renowned Momo, agreed to by the horses, would come into play. In general, the plan consisted of (1) Starting a new improved "Mr.Ed" series. (2) It would portray life in India during the time of the Raj more in line with the way Indian historians viewed it. This would be verbalized to the TV viewers by the "Indian" Mr.Ed, possibly with a more appropriate sobriquet, so as to resemble fictional character Harry Faversham, (from the novel "The Four Feathers" or his disguise as the despised mute Sangali, staggering out from the wilds from time to time. The elephants and horses of India would also be portrayed as more elegant and handsome, not all dusty and smelly. These things had already been discussed by the four chariot horses and their counterparts in India, only expedited by the incomparable Momo. Emails had been flashing back and forth for some time.

In return, the horses and Momo agreed to admit that they had accidentally shipped the handsome Arabian horses to Argentina, and had accidentally not paid for the horses or the shipping fees. But only by way of throwing the humans a bone. The horses and Momo also agreed to stop, or at least slow down this electronic pillaging of banks all over the world, buying gold bullion and stashing it in Irish and Swiss banks.

In reality, the horses and Momo knew they had an advantage over any prosecutor because if they were in court, in the witness box, or witness stall in their case, when the prosecutor asked them a question, they would pretend that they could not speak English, and just defacate or urinate all over and get giant boners, to the delight of the lady jurors. This attempt to cross examine the horses and Momo could have the effect of making the prosecutor look mentally ill, and ruin his chances of any political career, so this just gave the creatures added leverage.